Mama Scarlet's Wild Ride

Mama's Moving!

2008-04-16T18:59:00.005-03:00

I'm in need of a fresh start so I made the decision to leave this blog behind and start a new one.

I'm now blogging over at : "Searching For Kermit" . Come on over and say hi! :)

Cheers!

Wants vs. Needs

2008-04-15T16:51:00.004-03:00

I always wanted to be one of those women who was completely fulfilled by her role as wife and mother. I worked very hard for many years, trying to stuff myself into that role and be happy with it. Since becoming a mommy I've gone through several 'dark periods', where I struggle with depression and feelings of unworthiness.

I've been experiencing the same thing for the past several months now.

What it really boils down to is the fact that I'm not satisfied with just being a wife and mommy. I wanted that, and I tried so hard to be it. I thought that the problem was that I just wasn't trying hard enough. I can see now that there isn't really a "problem", just reality. And the reality is that I need more in my life, that I need more things that are just for me, that are outside of being a wife and mommy.

Despite what I may want, I'm stopping to take a look at what I actually need. The two aren't necessarily the same.

The fact that Emma is getting older is really making me think about the fact that I'm not always going to have these girls of mine. They're not even really "mine", since we can't "have" another person. I've simply been entrusted with the responsibility of nurturing and protecting them, and helping them to become the people that they are meant to be.

And while I'm doing that, I can't forget to nurture myself, and be the person that *I* am meant to be.

Now I'm just left with the task of figuring out who and what that is....

Wild Times at the Magic Castle

2008-04-14T08:08:00.002-03:00

It's the morning after. Yes, the party was tons of fun, but I have to say that I'm glad to have another 11 months before it's Molly's birthday again. ;)

I stayed up the night before the party until 1:00 am, decorating and getting the cake ready. It's always a little bit stressful, but I do love it.

The party theme was "Pink Castle" (Emma's choice). So the house was decorated with lots of pink decorations. I hung stars, streamers, ribbon and balloons from the ceiling all over the downstairs of the house. I made use of some paper flowers from her party two years ago, and stuck those up on the living room walls as well, just to give it a fun feel.

The invitations promised "contests of wit, bravery and skill". The contest of "skill" was to pin the fire on the dragon. The contest of "wit" was to figure out the clue and find where the Queen had left her favourite necklace, and the contest of "bravery" was to enter the Ogre's Cave and retrieve the Wizard's lost magic wand (Chris had originally wanted to dress up as an ogre to scare the bejeezus out of them, which I talked him out of, explaining that there was no way we would be able to afford the future therapy bills that this would inevitably lead to).

I learned a few things during the party, for sure. Like never underestimate the volume level of 8 children chanting, "CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE! CAKE!". Also - ice cream cones are a treat even if they don't actually contain any ice cream (the kids all wanted a cone to go with their cake (the castle towers were made from ice cream cones). I began to tell them there weren't enough on the cake to go around, when I remembered the whole box in the pantry and figured what the hell...this was surprisingly a big hit. Who knew?

Another thing I learned was to never underestimated how exhausting a five year old's birthday party can be. By the end of the afternoon, I was pooped!

The important part was that all the kids had a blast...and so did I. I do love doing parties for my kids, but I'm glad that I have a good long break until the next one....

Three Hours and Counting....

2008-04-13T11:19:00.002-03:00

Three hours to the big party. There are a few finishing touches to be done, but overall, I think I've got a handle on things. I ended up staying up until 1:00 a.m., putting up decorations and getting the FAB-U-LOUS castle cake finished (photos to come).

The worst part about having a party is busting my hump to clean the house...only have it trashed in a matter of a couple of hours. I'm sure that despite all of my hard work, tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up with another pile of cleaning to do.

Ah, well, such is life.

Okay, so yeah, I MAY be procrastinating just a bit. Time to get back to it. :)

Can't seem to get this song out of my head today....

2008-04-12T08:06:00.004-03:00

I posted this for those of you who aren't familiar with The Finn Brothers/Crowded House. And for those of you who are, then you can appreciate why I'm hooked on them.....

It's called "Fall At Your Feet". My favourite version of this song is actually sung by our dear friend Scott. He really needs to put some of his stuff up on youtube. ;)

Don't ask for the recipe....

2008-04-12T05:33:00.005-03:00

...because I don't have one!

(I've been inspired by my niece to blog about the food I'm cooking/eating - thanks, Mel. ;)

I love to cook. The way I love cooking the best is to just throw things in a pot or pan, with a vague idea of what I want the end result to be, and see what happens. More often than not, I am pleasantly surprised with the results.

A couple of days ago I made a gorgeous chickpea and vegetable soup. We're mostly vegetarians and so chickpeas are a staple at our house. They go into everything from soup to chocolate cake (yeah, that's right, I said chocolate cake. Maybe I'll post that particular recipe sometime - delicious!).

This soup has lovely chickpea goodness, along with potatoes, carrots, onion and garlic, vegetable stock, tomatoes, basil, spinach and one of my favourite soup ingredients - broccoli stalks. Yep. Broccoli stalks. I'm one of those frugal people who really hates throwing out good food. It kind of chaps my hide to serve my family broccoli and see those tasty stalks go to waste. So I try to use them up in soup whenever I can, which admittedly isn't as often as I'd like. In any case, I used them in this soup and it made me happy.

What also made me happy is that my picky eater children actually ATE this soup. Surprise, surprise!

I'm having the leftovers for lunch today! YUM!

Happiness Is....

2008-04-11T16:55:00.001-03:00

Happiness is....

Date night with my hubby. :)

I Will Survive

2008-04-11T09:32:00.003-03:00

It really sucks seeing potential in a person and seeing it go to waste. But I'm learning. One of the biggest lessons I am learning is that I can't control other people. Being compassionate means giving others the space to be themselves and learn their own lessons.

Being sad when you see those lessons going unlearned is also part of compassion as well. That's the part that hurts. Sometimes life surprises us in good ways, sometimes in not so good ways. That's just how it goes sometimes.

But now, I turn my compassion back to myself.

I will survive.

Foiled Plans

2008-04-10T08:20:00.002-03:00

I went to bed last night with the plan of getting up this morning for a run. I made it as far as downstairs, and I just couldn't get myself dressed and out the door. I hate that. I hate it when I allow my emotional state to hold me back from something that I know will actually help my emotional state. Guess it's my self-destructive tendencies showing.

I'm trying to see this as just a little bump in the road, but I've gotta be honest - it's tough.

I'm going to make the effort, though. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

It's SO hard....

2008-04-09T17:45:00.002-03:00

One of the biggest challenges of parenting is putting aside my own issues in order to give better to my children.

Today was Emma's birthday, her special day, and I managed to get overwhelmed with something that I wasn't expecting. I worked really hard to roll up my issue, my anxiety, my hurt, my anger, and everything else I was feeling into a tight little ball and push it down as far as I could - so I could be the mommy that she deserved today.

I really wish that I'd had the luxury of curling up into a ball, shutting out the world, and just allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Instead I had to plaster on a fake grin, grit my teeth, and feign enthusiasm. Hopefully she was none the wiser.

My biggest fear is that someday she's going to think back on her 5th birthday and remember that mommy was upset and unhappy. I can only hope that she was so focused on herself, on what was going on around her, that she wasn't tuned into what *I* was feeling. And maybe some day I'll be able to make it up to her, for, once again, not being the mommy that I wanted to be.

I love my kids so much...and I'm working on being the mommy they need and deserve. It's not easy to do that when my problems get in the way.

I just hate that I have one more thing to add to my list of "reasons to feel guilty"....

Adventures in Sleeping

2008-04-09T08:07:00.003-03:00

Anyone who is, or has been, the parent of two young kids knows what an adventure bedtime can be. I can probably count on one hand the number of peaceful night's sleep I've gotten in the past five years. Coincidentally, I think all of those peaceful nights have been while I was all by myself.

Last night was a great example.

Chris had a co-op meeting and so I was left with the joy of getting both girls to bed. Molly still needs someone to lay in bed beside her until she's asleep. Emma was - well, let's just say Emma was a bundle of excitement on the night before her birthday. Molly didn't seem very tired. I was surprised by this, considering the fact that they had a nice long playground visit in the afternoon.

It took about an hour to get Molly settled. My frustration level was high, as every time I tried sneaking out, her eyes popped open immediately, and she grabbed onto me for dear life. All I could think about were the birthday gifts to wrap, and party decorations to work on.

I finally made it out of there. The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful. I worked on Sunday's party prep. Chris came home, filled me in on the co-op news, and then we went to bed.

I was just dozing off when I heard the girls' bedroom door open. The heavy-footed gait told me that it was Molly. I pulled another pillow into our bed and let her crawl in with us. For the next 45 minutes, Molly proceeded to toss her leg up over my neck, repeatedly, play with my hair, and shove her knees into my back. She would seem to wait just until I was almost asleep to do it. It was nothing less than TORTURE!

Finally, I grabbed my pillows and left in disgust. Chris could deal with it. I needed sleep.

I crawled quietly into Molly's little bed and drifted off to sleep. At around 1:30 I was ripped from my dreams by a light being flashed in my eyes. Emma's flashlight.

"Mommy, is it morning yet?" She wanted to know.

"Not even close, Kiddo. Go back to sleep."

By this point my back was starting to hurt. Mo's bed isn't exactly the most comfortable one in the house, particularly for an adult body. I managed to get to sleep anyhow.

At 4:30, same thing. Rustling around in the room, flashlight in my face. "Is it morning NOW, Mommy?"

Deep breath. Clenched teeth. "No, honey, go back to sleep." I mustered up a sweet reply.

I woke up at 5:45, and contemplated a run. The bed was so warm, I was so tired...I drifted back to sleep.

6:00 am. More flashing lights. "Is it morning now, Mommy?"

"Yeah, Kiddo, it is. Happy Birthday."

"Do I get my presents now???????"

"Go wake up Daddy...."

And today I'm dreaming of a huge coffee....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA!!!

2008-04-09T07:35:00.002-03:00

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Miss Emma Wigglepants.....

Happy Birthday tooooooooo youuuuuuu!!!!

So she's five. FIVE YEARS OLD. How did I suddenly become the mother of a five year old? It doesn't seem possible, somehow. The last five years have flown by in the blink of an eye, and I know that the next five will go even faster.

In five years, Emma has grown from a helpless newborn into a sweet, charming, funny, creative and spunky five year old. I know that the future holds great things for her. I feel so privileged to be able to share in that with her.

Happy Birthday, Kiddo.

Presenting.........

2008-04-08T16:07:00.001-03:00

.....some positivity for the paranoid and pensive. ;)

Happiness Is.....

2008-04-08T16:03:00.001-03:00

Happiness is.....

The first playground visit of the season! :)

Glorious Morning

2008-04-08T09:07:00.004-03:00

This morning's run was nothing short of awesome. The sun was shining, there was a hint of crispness in the air, birds were singing. I felt strong and capable and full of life.

I got out the door a little later than I would have liked, and so the run had be shorter than was ideal, but hell, it can't all be perfect, now can it? ;)

It's a busy week for me this week, what with the birthday party on Sunday and all, but it's a good kind of busy. Throwing myself into a fun project is a good distraction from some of the less pleasurable parts of my life. Yeah, I'll get back to dealing with those unpleasant things, but for now, it's good to take a break from them and focus on something else. The issues will wait. Emma's only ever going to have one 5th Birthday Party.

This morning we have a playdate with a friend. The best part of it for me (besides the company, of course!) is getting a HUGE mug of strong organic coffee. Like the addict that I am, I can't keep coffee in my house, so I need to take advantage of the opportunity to have it whenever it arises. Today is one of those days. I can already feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Kermit!!!

2008-04-08T07:01:00.002-03:00

This is for everyone who knows what this is about. And even for those of you who don't, who doesn't enjoy a little Kermit the Frog now and again?

Happiness Is.....

2008-04-07T17:11:00.002-03:00

Happiness is....line-dried laundry. :)

Yes, spring really is here.

Enjoying the Spring Weather

2008-04-07T09:57:00.005-03:00

The girls and I got out yesterday afternoon to enjoy the beautiful spring weather. We drew with sidewalk chalk, blew bubbles, rode bikes, even had a short playdate with the neighbour kid who came out to ride with us.

Spring is here! It makes me so happy!

I'm smiling

2008-04-07T08:24:00.003-03:00

I went out for a run this morning. It's "long run" day, but I only ended up with a mediocre one - 11-k - I sacrificed sleep for some quality time with my hubby last night ;) and so I'm a little sluggish this morning as a result. Hey, it's all about priorities, though, right? Time with hubby comes before an extra 5-k on my morning run.

This morning I am smiling, drinking in the sunshine and relishing being alive. I am keenly aware today that there are no guarantees in this life, and so I need to make sure that I enjoy the happy moments while I'm in the middle of them (as I write this, Chris is wrestling with and tickling the girls behind me. Their squeals of delight are almost deafening).

You know what? I think I'm going to hit 'post' and go join them. :)

"Bitch" -- Meredith Brooks

2008-04-07T08:22:00.002-03:00

I love this song for those days when I'm feeling a little unsure of myself. I added it to my running playlist a couple of months ago - and I love it!!!!

Today I'm feeling fairly strong and confident, so I just wanted to share that vibe with everyone.

Enjoy! :)

Party Countdown!

2008-04-06T12:27:00.003-03:00

So Miss Emma turns 5 on Wednesday. Five years old! How is that possible?

(Okay...deep breath...I'll save the moaning and wailing post about my baby growing up for Wednesday).

To honour the occasion, we're having a "Pink Castle Party" next Sunday. I've kind of gotten myself into trouble with the birthday party 'theme' thing. Two years ago Emma had a "butterfly garden" party. Last year was a Pirate party extravaganza. Molly has had parties with a Ladybug theme, teddy bear theme, and this year was (by her decision) a "Purple Spider Party".

Sadly, I've been procrastinating with the preparations this year. In my own defense, I've had a lot on my plate, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm definitely on the upswing, but I still have a way to go. And hell, let's face it, even at the best of times, I struggle with procrastination.

So I have a busy week ahead of me....decorations to make...a cake to plan...treat bags to assemble....ugh. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But a good kind of exhausted, the kind that comes from throwing myself into something, body and soul, that I absolutely love doing. Throwing big parties like these for my kids are my way of working out my artistic urges. I get to geek out making invitations, decorations, and a fabulous cake, coming up with party games and activities and making food.

Yeah, I'll be exhausted, but a big part of me is looking forward to it. And don't worry - I'll be sure to post pictures. :)

Happiness Is......

2008-04-06T09:58:00.002-03:00

Happiness is....hangover breakfast....when you're NOT hungover.

Sushi Night!

2008-04-05T07:14:00.003-03:00

My husband and I are very busy people. Two kids, Chris in school full time, working part time, me doing the homeschooling thing, living in a co-op, finding time for our friends......it can get pretty hectic by times (And by 'by times', I mean pretty much constantly). One thing we've always done, for years now, is commit our Friday nights to one another. Barring something special (like a rare "mommy sleepover" for me), we always spend Friday evenings together. We hold off dinner until after Emma and Mo are in bed, and then eat together, enjoy a drink or two, and usually watch a movie. It's a nice little tradition, something to look forward to at the end of the week. Just relaxing together, no expectations, just enjoying good food and each other's company.

Most Friday nights for the past three years, I always make us sushi. We've taken a break from it for a few months, because frankly, I was getting tired of it. It was good to branch out and experiment with other things.

Last night we had sushi again for the first time in months. I'd forgotten how yummy it could be. We also watched "The Notebook", which I'd watched before, but I consider one of the ultimate in romantic movies. Not too sappy, not too corny - hell, even Chris enjoyed it the second time around. I'm embarrassed to report that I was a complete bawl-bag, which really isn't surprising, considering the emotional turmoil I've experienced these last few months. Guess I needed something to cry about other than my own issues. ;)

I love our Friday nights. It's nice knowing, no matter how frazzled and busy the week gets, we've always got that one chunk of time guaranteed for one another. It doesn't really even matter to me what we do - it's good to just have that time to count on, to know that no matter what, we're committed to that, and to each other. Such a seemingly small ritual, with so much deep meaning.

I love you, honey.....

Happiness Is.....

2008-04-04T16:36:00.002-03:00

Happiness is........a kind neighbour who made me coffee when I came desperately begging for a caffeine fix on a Friday afternoon....

Van Halen - "Right Now"

2008-04-04T07:10:00.002-03:00

This video always gave me goosebumps.

Some of the words that are particularly relevant to my life, and some of those around me RIGHT NOW:

"Right now opportunity is passing you by"

"Right now guilt is turning someone inside out"

"Right now, somebody's got the wrong idea"

"Right now is just a space between ice ages"

"Right now is a good time to repent"

'Right now the truth is being obscured"

"Right now no one is safe from loneliness"

"Right now time is having its way with you"

"Right now you aren't doing what you most wish you were"

"Right now keeps happening"

Yep....the goosebumps are still there....

GAH!!!!!

2008-04-03T19:20:00.002-03:00

....and to top it all off....

WORST HAIR NIGHT EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anxiety Attack!

2008-04-03T18:29:00.003-03:00

So I got invited to a gallery opening tonight. When I first got the invitation, I was happy -- giddy, even. Us stay-at-home moms rarely have the occasion to get dressed up and go out for an evening.

But now that the moment is here, I'm filled with anxiety. And it all boils down to one thing - what to wear???

I hate that.

I've tried on probably half a dozen outfits and none of them seem right to me. I've gone through my closet about twice as many times...searching...searching...searching...that's the problem with us stay at home moms...since we rarely go out, that means we don't really have anything to wear on those rare occasions.

I hate being in a room full of people and being uncomfortable with how I look. Too many bad memories of the eating disorder days.

It's almost enough to make me want to stay home. I would, in fact, if I hadn't committed to a friend to go with her.

Hell, if this were a mommy's playdate at the Discovery Centre, I'd be all set.

I'm going to be screwed if my husband does finish law school. I shudder to think of the cocktail parties now....

Happiness Is....

2008-04-03T16:34:00.001-03:00

Happiness is...when a husband offers to cook supper.

Ah.............

Thanks, Sweetie.

For a friend - who needs to know that he's not alone

2008-04-03T08:12:00.003-03:00

I'm sending out care and concern to a friend who is in need today. You're not alone. Hug yourself with the love you have in your life. You deserve every bit of it.

Big News!!

2008-04-02T15:03:00.002-03:00

I have quite possible that I have the world's most excited almost five year old.

This morning, while at the library, Miss Emma commented that her front teeth hurt while eating her snack. Upon close inspection, it was discovered that Emma has her first loose tooth. It's only a tiny, tiny, tiny bit loose, but as far as she's concerned, that's good enough. The kid's been asking since she was 2 1/2 when she was going to get her first loose tooth, so as far as she's concerned, she's been waiting for this moment forever.

She was so excited, in fact, that she then proceeded to go to all the librarians she knew to spread the good news. We even had to go up into the adult section to seek out a couple that she knew up there. Naturally, everyone was quite excited to hear the news, which only added to Emma's delight.

Watching her, I drank in her happiness and excitement. She'll probably always remember this day, for this very reason. It's kind of ironic - I have my own reasons for remembering today, as a fresh start in my life, and it will be made all the sweeter by the fact that I share this memory of a special milestone in my daughter's life.

Her joy was contagious today, spreading throughout the whole building, infecting everyone she came into contact with. But most especially me. I looked into her excited little face, and knew that it was moments like these that make life truly worth living.

Good morning !!

2008-04-02T06:21:00.006-03:00

I'm just on my way out the door for a run. I'm really looking forward to it - the warmest morning we've seen so far in 2008. But just as I'm on my way, I thought of this song. And well, if it's gotta be stuck in *my* head, I might as well share the love.

I suddenly find myself inspired to go out and locate a pair of legwarmers.....

ENJOY! :)

Finding the Love

2008-04-01T22:46:00.004-03:00

So it's been an intense few days. Those who know the details, know why. Those who don't, let me assure you that everything is fine...just a lot of emotions have come to the surface, issues faced.

Most of all, I know that I will be okay.

I have faced a lot of darkness lately. I know that it's shown here, in what I've been writing. I know that it's okay to face that darkness, to talk about it, and to write about it. But I'm not going to do that here.

My focus now is on living. I have a lot of ground to make it up, it seems. I have begun by righting some wrongs, with others. I need to right wrongs with myself now, too.

I will run. I will write. I will cherish my daughters. I will love my husband as best I can. I will be the friend that I know that I can be. I will appreciate the gifts that I have been given in life, as they are many. And slowly, gently, I will learn to love myself.

Because that's what this all comes down to -- me loving myself. I'm sad to report that I haven't done a very good job at that lately. Or ever. It's time for that to change.

I won't do it perfectly. I will stumble along the way, I'm sure. But in this moment, I know that it's worth fighting for.

Falling Short

2008-03-31T08:14:00.003-03:00

Today was supposed to be long run day. Note I said "supposed to be". I had a bit of digestive upset yesterday - not sure if it was physical or emotional - but it left me feeling drained this morning.

On top of that, I am feeling very weighed down by my mental and emotional state.

I tried. I did oversleep, resigning myself to the fact that I would still be able to get out there and go for at short one. I got up, dressed, and got out there. Less than 5 minutes into the run, I knew that I wasn't going to be a good one. Another five minutes, when I stopped to stretch, I was ready to throw in the towel. I turned back toward home.

I'm trying hard not to feel discouraged by this. Last week it was so great to be getting out there again, doing something that I love so much. This morning, I'm having difficulty believing that I deserve to feel good like that. And that's always the issue - feeling like I deserve it.

I still don't.

I'm thinking of taking a break from this blog for a while. I feel like I have few good things to write about right now. I'm tired of the moaning and complaining. I can do that elsewhere, but not here. This blog was always meant to be about so much more than that. Sure, there was always an element about my struggles in life, we've all got those. I always thought that in some small way, I could offer hope to other people reading this that they're not alone, that we all struggle, and it's okay. Not alone, check. Struggling, check. Okay? Some days I'm not so sure anymore.

This blog has morphed into something that I didn't want it to be. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I have morphed into someone that I don't want to be.

I'm sorry to those that I have let down. You never deserved to be disappointed.

This morning's thoughts

2008-03-28T06:56:00.004-03:00

I went to bed last night with the intentions of getting up this morning to run. I woke up in the night, a couple of hours early, and realized that it probably made more sense for me to spend an extra hour sleeping, instead of running. I've been planning all week to get to bed early, and it just hasn't happened. So this morning I chose sleep over running. It's all good, though - I am happy with that decision. There is a little sadness over the lack of running...I'm surprised by how good it feels again, so quickly. But Monday is my long run again, and already I'm looking forward to it.

Tonight my girlfriend and I are staying at another girlfriend's empty apartment for a "mommy's sleepover night". We're going to drink beer, giggle, eat nasty takeout food, and maybe even go out dancing, if we feel up to it.

I really, really need some fun. I'm really looking forward to it. Mommy-free time is good. :)

This morning

2008-03-27T08:06:00.003-03:00

Today I awoke early and got out the door by 6:30 this morning. I had to work to get my bum out of bed, but ultimately, it was worth it. It was a glorious morning to be out. It was a crisp, cool morning, a thin layer of ice covering everything from the foul weather that we'd had yesterday. But as I turned my nose to the air, I could smell it, sense it - that promise of warmth to come later on today. As the sun inched up in the sky I could feel it there, too.

Today is going to be a good day.

...If I had a Million Dollars....

2008-03-26T21:58:00.001-03:00

Okay, so Chris and the girls will confirm that I'm all about the Barenaked Ladies these days. Wasn't much of a fan "back in the day", but I've re-discovered them and see their appeal. So I'm posting this. Humour me.

And besides, there's nothing funnier in the whole world than hearing Molly belt out the words to this song.....

This morning's "therapy session"

2008-03-25T07:51:00.004-03:00

More therapy this morning - another run.

I am happy to report that the running part of my life is steadily improving. I am both impressed and shocked at how readily my body is responding to it again. Not to mention the positive effect this is having on mental and emotional state.

Huh. Maybe I really AM a runner after all. Well, if this doesn't teach me that, then frankly, nothing will.

This morning I found myself thinking about our dog, Max. I see lots of people out walking their dogs in the early morning, and for some reason, today, Max popped into my mind. Hell, maybe I'm just desperately searching for something ELSE to feel guilty about...

In any case, I thought about Max. Max, our 150-lb, Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix who was dumb as a post but the sweetest dog on the planet. We got him right after we were first married from the SPCA when he was just a wee puppy. He soon grew up into a massive dog with the heart of a lap dog. He was a handful! He ate leather sandals (yes, that's right, I said ATE sandals...everything but the soles!!), chewed other shoes, dug giant holes in the backyard, ripped open our garbage and dragged it through the house when he was left home alone. He did a million other things too, that have been forgotten about over the years. He loved people and he loved playing hide and seek and laying in a big bean bag chair that we had just for him. He was good natured and protective and possibly the dumbest dog that ever lived.

After Emma was born, we had even less time for dear old Max. With a little baby to care for (and a high-maintenance one at that) we had even less time for our high-maintenance dog. Max got even less attention than he had before. We weren't being fair to poor old Max.

After a long decision-making period, we decided that we needed to find another home for Max. Add to the complication the fact that we were selling our house and moving into an apartment so that I could be a stay-at-home mom, and there's not too many places big enough to accommodate a dog of that size. Eventually, we took him to a wonderful animal shelter that keeps the animals until a suitable home is found for them.

I was surprised to find out how hard it was to do that, how much I missed him. How much I still miss him! Sometimes I see dogs around the city that look very much like him. I've even stopped and struck up conversations with the owners. None of them have been Max.

This morning I thought of dear old Max and was filled with sadness. We did right by him, in the end, and I'm sure that he's in a loving house and getting all the attention and love that he deserves. I'm sorry that we weren't the ones to be able to give him that.

Hopefully, for the sake of his new family, he's broken his sandal-eating habit.

The Run

2008-03-24T09:13:00.003-03:00

I did it. The long run. Sadly, not nearly as long as I wanted. It ended up only being 13 k - I was hoping for at least 15. But considering how little I've run these past 4 months or so, I think I'll just be satisfied with what I managed with relative ease.

I was surprised by how well it went this morning. I wasn't overwhelmed. I felt calm and centered. Thoughts came in, emotions crept up, memories knocked at the door. I didn't fight them. I acknowledged everything. I didn't crumble. I didn't stumble. I didn't fall apart. If the emotions welled up a little too much, I simply pushed myself a bit harder, focusing on the physical sensation. I even reached the 'sweet spot' that I desire so much - when my body just takes over and it's like I can run forever. I'd kinda forgotten about that feeling. (!!) By the time I reached that place this morning, I'd already sifted through a lot of the mental garbage. I let my thoughts flow as my body did what it does best. It's so reassuring to know that even after all this time, my body still instinctually knows what to do.

And now I'm enjoying the post-run glow. I'd forgotten about that, too - the flow of energy, the mental calm, the feeling that all is right with the world.

I'm so glad that I was able to push past all my fears and get out there and do this for myself. It's making all the difference. Not every day is going to be as good as today, but I can live with that. They're not all meant to be gems.

I'm going to be okay. I finally, finally, finally feel this.

Tomorrow's Plan

2008-03-23T22:15:00.003-03:00

My plan for tomorrow morning is to get up bright and early and go for a nice long run. I haven't gone on a long run in months. I've been so afraid lately...afraid to be alone with myself, my thoughts, my memories.

I finally feel ready to face them.

I'm posting my plan here so that hopefully it will prevent me from backing out. I need this. I need to run. I need to allow the thoughts and the emotions to wash over me, and know that I'm not going to crumble. I will listen to my breathing and hear the birds singing and remind myself what it feels like to be alive, and all of the wonderful reasons that I have for living. I will turn my face up to the sun and drink in the glorious morning.

If I feel afraid, I will remind myself that fear won't hurt me. If I feel sad, I will tell myself that sadness won't destroy me. If I feel anger, I will let it in only long enough to let it see that I'm ready for it to move on.

I am ready for it.

A Note to the Easter Bunny

2008-03-23T07:27:00.002-03:00

If you hadn't had quite so many beers last night, we might be able to find that last Easter Egg....

De-Cluttering

2008-03-22T07:09:00.004-03:00

Chris and I are still on our de-cluttering kick. Granted, we haven't made a lot of progress in this area, what with everything that I've been dealing with these last few months. But we've made a vow to get back to it and start making progress again. The areas where we have de-cluttered and organized (our bedroom, the girl's room, playroom), are so much more pleasant and easy to manage. I need more of that general feel in the whole rest of my life.

Ironically, I need to do some emotional de-cluttering, too. That, however, is going to take considerably more time. If only it were as easy as making three piles - one to keep, one to throw away, one to donate.

"Okay, let's see. The pain from my childhood? Nobody needs that - we'll put that in the 'throw away' pile. The guilt I have from recent life events? Donate. Somebody might be able to put that guilt to good use in their life. The joy I have from being with my family? Definitely a keeper."

Yeah...emotional de-cluttering. I like that.

Running as Metaphor

2008-03-21T08:17:00.005-03:00

I'm always amazed at what a metaphor for life running is. Maybe it's because I'm a runner that I see them...?

(I got out again this morning. That's the second time this week. That's how I know, for sure, that I am on the mend in my life. Progress is slow, yes, but any forward movement is progress, and for that I can be grateful.)

Some runs are effortless, just like some days. There is a certain joy in the ease of them. My body is on autopilot, taking me through the streets. I don't have to think about it, I just move forward. The conditions are perfect, there is nothing difficult about it. These kind of runs are what keep me doing this on a regular basis. We all have those effortless, autopilot days. They are good, but there's not a lot of challenge in them.

Sometimes (particularly lately) getting out there to run is just too much to face. Either the outside conditions, or my own mental state just won't allow it to happen. It's like those days when you've got nothing to give to the world. Just not gonna happen. Fact of life.

And then, there are runs like the one I had today. Days when the conditions are far from perfect. My spirit was willing, my body was tentative, unsure. The wind whipped around me, biting my cheeks, blowing through my clothes, tossing little stinging chards of snow into my eyes. This morning, though, I was ready for it. I turned my face into the wind and met it with a huge grin. The wind blew hard, trying to blow me backwards. It almost succeeded.

And that's when I asked myself, "How bad do I want it?"

I chanted it in my head, "How bad do I want it? How bad do I want it? How bad do I want it?"

The answer came back to me loud and clear:

I want it.

This morning's run reminded me of why I love running so much. It was difficult. I had to push myself to get out the door, to keep my body moving, to keep pressing forward. But it reminded me of what I am capable of.

I can do this.

Looking for the Light

2008-03-21T06:23:00.002-03:00

Gotta love my ability to set an "internal alarm clock". I went to bed telling myself 6:00 am. And indeed, by 6:05 this morning I was awake. Waking up this way is a helluva lot better than with an old-fashioned alarm clock ripping me from my dreams.

Today I have promised myself to go out into the world and look for the light. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months, with life in general. It's been rough. Not just for me, but for the people around me, too. I'm afraid I've been a bit of a black hole.

Although I've done as well as I could to be the best mother that I can throughout all of this, I'm afraid that the girls have suffered some. They have gotten less of me than they deserve and need. And it shows. They are a little more tentative, a little less sure of themselves. They end up coming in our bed/room before morning every single night. I think they've just been needing a little extra reassurance.

They are so wonderful. And they truly do deserve better than they've been getting. Today I start working on making that better. My hope is that I haven't done any irreparable damage.

Today I also start working on gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that I have. The little things. Instead of feeling frustration because I spend every night sandwiched between my hairy husband and a squirming toddler, I will feel grateful that I am loved this much. Instead of sighing when I'm asked to stop my housework to read a book or give some cuddles, I will enjoy a quiet moment with my daughters, knowing that they will only be little and will only need me like this for so long.

Not every day will be good, this I know. And I am okay with that. I can only live day to day. I cannot worry about tomorrow. I will take that as it comes.

Status Update -- for Chantel, and only because she asked.....

2008-03-20T15:23:00.003-03:00

Too little sleep + too many emotions + 2 extra large cups of extra strong coffee + a miserable cold, rainy, windy day + walking to the grocery store without the proper raingear + two disobedient and rowdy children = ONE REALLY ROTTEN DAY.

Some positives from today:

1) I bumped into my neighbour at the grocery store who kindly offered to bring my groceries home. This meant I didn't have the extra 50 lbs in the stroller to push all the way home.

2) I had the foresight to wear my running shoes, which meant that I made it home even faster + I got a little extra exercise in there, too.

3) Chantel managed to get us tickets to see LEONARD COHEN!!!!! on May 13th. Happy Birthday to me!!!!!! :)

Overall, though, I'd have to give today two thumbs down. Some days are better off spent at home.

Roller Coaster

2008-03-19T17:32:00.001-03:00

Today has been one of those roller coaster kind of days. I woke up feeling great...better than I have in months, in fact. It lasted a good part of today. But now, tonight, as I write this, I can feel the happiness slipping away. The downward slide is happening.

It was in my grasp for such a short while.

Maybe it's all just inevitable.

5:30 am

2008-03-19T07:03:00.004-03:00

I went to bed last night, late, after having laid out my running clothes and setting my internal alarm for 5:30 am. It's been a long time - months - since I've greeting the early morning with a smile, had some quiet time, and went out for a run.

I had a bad night's sleep. Too many things on my mind.

I woke up and looked at the clock. Sure enough - 5:32 am. I laid there for a moment, wanting desperately to just drift back off to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. But then I remembered my promise to myself. I have been letting myself down too much in the last couple of months. I haven't been allowing myself joy. I haven't been doing the things that I need to be doing in order to feel good, human.

I peeled myself out of bed. Dressed. Came downstairs, shivering. Fired up the computer to do my usual checks - email, facebook, the weather. -16 with the windchill. I haven't been out running in those kinds of temperatures all winter long. I've used that as my convenient excuse for not running, when the truth of the matter is that I've been too afraid. Too afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I bundled up and went out there this morning. It was a dark and glorious morning. The wind in my face was crisp, biting at my cheeks. I took a long, slow deep breath.

And I smiled.

I could allow myself to regret these past few months of denying myself such a wonderful part of my life. Instead, I'm going to try and look at it like I simply needed a break. It's good to allow ourselves that when we really need it. And boy, I needed it.

Today I once again felt the calmness of the early morning. I listened to the quiet sounds of the city not yet waking up. I didn't worry about turning off my brain, or being overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. I simply allowed them to just...be. It's okay. They're not going to destroy me.

It was a brief run this morning, around 5-k or so, but that's alright. I need to work back to this slowly. The important part for me is that I enjoyed the morning. I felt, even just for a brief while, like me again.

As I turned the corner this morning, heading back toward home, I looked down the hill and saw the sky just starting to light up. A beautiful pale orange all along the horizon. And that's when I knew it...believed it...for the first time in a long, long time.

I am going to be okay.

I'm not there...yet. But I will get there.

Orange Sky

2008-03-18T21:51:00.002-03:00

My new favourite song....passed on to me by my niece. Since I don't have television I am completely out of the loop, and am just finding out that this song has been used in more than a dozen television shows and movies over the last couple of years. Take a listen, and you'll understand why.

It makes me happy.

People

2008-03-18T09:52:00.002-03:00

Today is one of those days when I'm having a difficult time having faith in humanity. On days like these, I feel a lot of anger toward humans -- we are all so selfish and we hurt each other so much sometimes.

It's days like these when I feel terrified for Emma and Molly - who have yet to see the worst of what people are capable of. I hope that they never will. The thought that some day someone will undoubtedly break their hearts, disappoint them, use them, damage them in some way, makes me want to lock them away and keep them safe forever. I am sure that these hurts are closer in their future than I can imagine.

Days like today mean that I have to work extra hard to remind myself why I like people so much....because most of the time, I do. I believe that human beings are capable of so much love and kindness and compassion. I believe that it's contagious - that if I go out into the world and spread my positive energy and light, then it will touch those around me and they, in turn, will go out and do the same.

Today, however, I am a black hole. I suck in all the light and don't let any of it escape. I am suspicious, mistrustful, and pessimistic. My anger at the human race is there because I am feeling so vulnerable - I am expecting the world to crush me at any moment. Maybe if I stay angry, no one will mess with me.

At least that way, the only one hurting me is myself.

Because it makes me smile....

2008-03-17T08:47:00.004-03:00

I'm feeling in a bit of a funk this morning, so I thought I would post this. I need to remind myself of the things that make me smile, and this is one of them. For some reason I woke up this morning with this song in my head. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

Oh - and did I mention that I have a HUGE crush on Ben Stiller? He's my man.

Yes, geeks are hot.

Mama's Thoughts

2008-03-16T22:26:00.004-03:00

It's so hard being a parent sometimes. As prepared as I believed myself to be for motherhood,the harsh truth is that I didn't know crap. The older I get, the older my girls get, the more I'm able to see that.

The most difficult part of parenting, for me, is the emotional stuff. Teaching my girls how to be emotionally responsible, healthy people. It's sad to say, but when it comes to this kind of thing, I'm feeling around blindly in the dark - because it's not something that was ever taught to me. I have to make this stuff up as I go along. Thanks again, mom.

I think I'd feel a lot better about the process if I felt, even a little bit, like I had my own crap together. Maybe if I were a little wiser, a little more emotionally stable, this might come to me a lot easier, I don't know. It's hard to teach my girls good boundaries when that's something I still struggle with myself. It's had to teach my girls healthy coping mechanisms when I spent the majority of my life either binging or starving or overexercising my emotions away. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning this stuff right along with them.

I guess the one thing that I can teach my girls is that mistakes happen. Mistakes happen to us all, and we have the power to choose to learn from those mistakes, or use them as just another excuse to wallow in misery. 'Cuz that's pretty much all I know from personal experience right now. Hopefully, I'll know more in years to come.

Sometimes I look at those wonderful little girls of mine and I feel almost overwhelmed by fear. Already I'm afraid of the first time their hearts get broken. Of all the suffering that they will inevitably be met with in their lives. The fear is so gripping that I just want to grab them up and hug them close and never let them go.

Another hard part of being a mom is accepting that you can't protect those wonderful little creatures forever. Some day, sooner than I'd like to think about, they will be turned out into the world and left to fend for themselves. My success (or failure) as a mother will determine how well they are able to handle themselves in this scary world.

I worry that I'm failing them, not doing a good enough job.

The worst part is that I won't know until it's too late.

Your Words

2008-03-16T08:14:00.005-03:00

Your words can hurt me or comfort me.
Calm me or disturb me.
Nurture me or crush me.
Help me to heal or damage me forever.

It is in your hands.

Words

2008-03-15T21:14:00.002-03:00

Words have the power to heal a wound...or shatter a heart.

Words can cause tears, or cease the flow.

Words can comfort, or strike fear into a heart.

Words can be a comforting blanket to wrap around oneself on a cold winter's night...or it can be the bitter wind blowing through the cracks in the windowpane.

Some days, words are all that I have. I hug them close to me. I nurture and poison them at the same time. Words filling up my brain and my soul, buzzing inside my skull, squeezing out all coherent thoughts.

Tonight, I am filled with words...and there is no one to hear them.

City Girl

2008-03-15T13:14:00.004-03:00

I got to spend some much-needed time this weekend, alone, out and about in the city. I was reminded again of how much I love it. I'm a country girl originally, a way-out-in-the-sticks kind of country girl, and I never imagined myself as a city dweller.

Yet here I am.

Here I am, and I love it. I am thriving here. I am a people person and I love being surrounded by people. I love the fact that I can be both surrounded by people, and all alone at the same time. I love watching people, seeing the differences and similarities that we all share.

We are not alone. We humans are attached by emotion - deep down, we share emotional experiences. I love the feeling of being connected with everyone else - both in the city and the world around me. It makes it easier, on days like today, to feel compassion for myself, as I allow myself to feel compassion for others.

Feeling compassion for myself isn't easy some days. It's far too easy to focus on my (many) shortcomings. But I am trying. I am making small efforts toward moving forward.

But I digress.

Spending time out alone in the city reminded me of the fact that, deep down, I will always be a city girl. I love the sights and sounds of the city. I love the pigeons and the roar of the buses and the honking of impatient drivers. I love the energy of the city - I feed off it.

It reminds me of what there is to live for.

Forgiveness

2008-03-13T14:17:00.006-03:00

Forgiveness is one of those things that's difficult for a lot of people to understand. I'll admit that it's something that I personally had/have trouble with as well.

I used to think that by forgiving someone, it meant saying, "It's okay what you did to me." I mean, how many of us have been trained, when someone says, "I'm sorry" to respond with "that's okay"? I have retrained myself to say "that's okay" only when it truly is okay. Other times, when someone hurts me and apologize, I simply say "thank you".

I believe that forgiveness, particularly when it comes to the big issues in life, should be about the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness of this type means, "I'm not going to harbour any bad feelings toward you. I am letting go...and I am doing this for me." To truly forgive someone means that you are no longer allowing those negative feelings to control you. Forgiveness is about letting go of all the hurt and moving forward, into the light.

I have suffered significant hurts in my life. Some more recent than others. I am no longer holding on to the anger and hurt from these events -- it serves no useful purpose to do so. I forgive those who have hurt me. I am moving forward with my life.

The only thing I do find interesting in all of this is that if I'm able to forgive others...why do I have such a difficult time forgiving myself? I am my own harshest critic. I observe myself - my thoughts, words, and actions, and pass judgment on myself more harshly than I would any of my loved ones.

I guess that's the problem, really. I don't appear on my list of "loved ones". I know that I have to rectify that, in order to move on with my life and be a happier person.

Some days I can see happiness...just over the horizon, just out of reach. I truly hope that I will make it there one day.

Last Night

2008-03-12T07:54:00.005-03:00

Last night was a fun evening. I had plans to hang out with a girlfriend at her place, and then found out at the last minute that my blogging friend Robb's two boys were going to be playing at open mic night at the Seahorse Tavern. These days I'm not one to pass up an evening out, much less a chance to meet an online blogging, running, and homeschooling friend. So we headed on down to The Seahorse to hear the boys play.

They were awesome! They were only on briefly (it was a minors in a bar at 8:00 pm thing) but it would have been great to hear them play a lot longer. My girlfriend and I stayed for another hour, and I have to say that the Cusack Boys were the highlight of our evening. Hopefully next time we'll all be able to hang out a little longer.

It was interesting meeting Robb. I've only ever met one other person from online in person like that - Chris - so it was fun meeting someone else. I've known Robb online for about a year and a half now, and it was interesting to discover that he was just as I'd expected. You hear all these stories sometimes about online weirdos, and while I'm sure they're out there, it's cool to find out that someone is exactly as they represent themselves online.

It's weird, too, to know someone from their blog and then meet them in person. I know a lot about Robb and his family and his thoughts on life...but had a hard time making the chat. In some ways I think of him like an 'old friend', but since we'd never talked face to face I felt a little unsure of myself. Weird. Maybe next time. :)

Today's thought to ponder....

2008-03-11T15:57:00.001-03:00

Why does clean laundry take up more space in the basket that dirty laundry?

Glorious Sun

2008-03-11T13:37:00.003-03:00

I am so happy to see the sun shine today. Yeah, I wish it were a little warmer, but whatever. Spring is on it's way - that's what counts.

I had the morning off - my girlfriend and I trade off kid-watching every other week for our sanity's sake. So Chris and I met up at my favourite coffee shop to relax, chat, and flirt a little. It's so nice to get out and spend some time remembering that we're more than the people who make peanut butter and honey toast and wipe butts and noses and clean toilets together. We all need that from time to time.

We need another "real date" soon.

On the parenting front, it's been a busy and stressful few weeks. I've got my own "stuff" that I'm dealing with (and when I say "stuff" that's an understatement - more like a festering pile of doo-doo), and then to complicate things, the kids have been sick with this horrible cold that's been going around. They've been snotty, whiny, impatient, cranky...it's been very difficult remaining patient with them. And I will admit that I've lost my patience more than once with them in the last couple of weeks. It's hard for that not to happen sometimes, unfortunately.

Today I'm making a special effort to enjoy life. It's not easy many days, and I don't know if it's the sun shining or what, but at least for this day, it doesn't seem quite so bad.

I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

The Moment of Truth

2008-03-10T12:35:00.005-03:00

I ate him. He was delicious.

Me...in Cupcake Form

2008-03-09T18:34:00.005-03:00

So here is a wonderful cupcake from a certain 4 year old's "Sock Puppet Birthday Party". This was one of the "rejects", but as soon as I saw him, I knew I had to bring him home with me. The look on his face so accurately sums up how I've been feeling this last while. Frightened, worried, depressed, uncertain about life...without knowing how to make it all stop.

I don't know whether to eat him or preserve him forever.

Long Week

2008-03-09T07:46:00.004-03:00

It's been a long week. The girls have been sick, sick, sick with this rotten cold that's going around. I know that my days are probably numbered. Maybe I won't get it as well, but at this point, with the amount of snot that's been flowing at my house, it seems highly unlikely.

We've been incredibly fortunate this winter in the illness department, so I guess I shouldn't complain *too* loudly at this point.

It's just that after the week we've had, if I have to clean up one more soggy tissue or lie awake at night listening to one or both of my children hacking, I think I might have to move into the basement.

Yeah, Kelly the Basement Dweller. Sounds pretty good right about now...

Through the Eyes of a Child

2008-03-07T16:38:00.003-04:00

Geez, kids are amazing. No, I'm not just figuring that out now, but it's one of those things that's easy to forget sometimes, in the getting caught up with the messy part of life. I have these moments every now and again when I'm reminded why having kids is such an amazing thing...even despite the snotty noses, whining, and late night "musical beds" antics.

Yesterday I went out with the girls and a girlfriend of mine to enjoy the gorgeous spring day. On the way home, we walked past one spot on the sidewalk that has poor drainage (it's right by a hill) and in the wintertime it's always covered with ice - I hate running past there - and in the springtime there is slush and water and mud to contend with. As we were walking past there, trudging through a thin layer of water and mud, I commented to my friend, "I always hate this spot."

From the bike trailer, Emma piped up, "No, Mommy, it's the best spot because you can see your tracks after you walk through it."

Hm. I guess that's at least part of my problem - I've been looking at life too much like a grown-up. It's so great how kids can always seem to find the beauty and wonder in things. I need to put on my kid-coloured glasses a little more often. Only a five year old could see something cool about a muddy spot on the sidewalk.

Thanks, Kiddo.

A Reward

2008-03-06T08:52:00.003-04:00

I pushed myself out the door this morning. After a long talk with Chris yesterday, and a huge pep talk to myself last night, I decided that I can't let how I'm currently feeling hold me back from something that is ultimately very, very good for me. Running is a part of who I am...and I can not deny it. I can't take it away from myself as some sort of a punishment for my mistakes in life...I am punishing myself enough. I need to let some joy in once and a while, too.

So I made it out the door this morning. It was a great day for running - the sidewalks were clear, it was not too cold...ah...

I got less than two blocks when I heard it -- a bird. Now, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I'm terrified of birds most days, but there's something about the sound of birds singing while I'm out running that really puts joy into my heart. I can't remember hearing that sound in a long while, not since early last fall. I smiled a little smile and kept on going.

I looped around and got to the top of the hill, and there it was -- the sunrise. A glorious, golden-cloud, pink-sky sunrise. I haven't seen one of those in months, either. And yet, there it was. I felt my heart fill up with even more joy, and pressed onward.

I won't lie and say that today's run was an easy one. It wasn't. I still found myself bombarded with memories. I did my best to sort through them as best I could. I even found my mind eventually wandering off to happier thoughts.

Today I am feeling better. I will get there. It's just going to take some time.

Fear

2008-03-05T06:37:00.005-04:00

I got up at 6:00 am this morning with the intention of running. It's just after 6:30 and still I sit here, in full running gear, not able to make it out the door. I tell myself that it's the freezing rain that's holding me back. In reality, it is my fear.

I am afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I am afraid of facing the reality of who I am. I am afraid of re-living memories that I don't want to re-live.

I am afraid.

I used to think that fear was a good thing, that it meant that I was moving in the right direction. These days I think that when I used to say that, I was just fooling myself. And, as with many things, perhaps I was. I just don't know any more. The rules of my life have changed so much in the last couple of months that I'm completely unsure of pretty much everything.

I will attempt another run perhaps this afternoon. Maybe by then I will have steeled myself against my own thoughts and emotions. Until then, I have another day to face, with a sick and whiny 3 year old, and a library trip to endure. I never realized before how hard it is to work through major life issues when you've got kids to look after. Life can't stop while I sort through my pile of crap....hell, it can't even slow down. I'm left to carry on the day-to-day, spending short bursts of time sorting through the mountain of crap that is weighing me down.

At this rate, I'll still be wading through this when I'm 98.

Today's Thoughts

2008-03-04T09:13:00.003-04:00

I have managed to get out and hit the streets two days in a row for two pathetically short runs. I suppose something is better than nothing, but I've got to confess that I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now. Not just with my running, but with life itself.

Running used to be such a mental and emotional release for me. These days it seems like every time I get out there I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and emotions. My body hurts from running because it feels like I'm out there carrying the entire weight of the world on my back as I do it. The 5k I ran this morning felt harder than last year's marathon.

I desperately want to shake off the negativity, the emotions, the memories, and everything else that is weighing me down...but I'm not sure how to do it. I want to find the joy in the small moments of life again but that seems to be lost in me, too. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something good to happen in my life so I can forget about the bad, if even just for a little while.

Most days there's not enough good to push out the bad. I know it probably won't always be this way, but damn, this sucks.

I need....

2008-03-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

I need to run. I need to run until my body becomes numb and my brain zones out. I need to run into the morning and forget about everything that is weighing me down.

Intellectually, I know that the healing process takes time. Emotionally, I am already tired of all the work...and I know that there is so much more to come. This is only the beginning.

I haven't been running lately. Too many negative associations, too many times when running was about running away from something...trying to run away from the person that I was. I don't want to be that person any more. She made a lot of mistakes, she screwed up things in so many ways.

I need to remember why running is good for me, why I love it so much. It's hard to do that. It's hard to do things that are good for me these days.

It's hard to love myself...particularly since I'm not sure if I ever have....

More Darkness

2008-03-02T08:08:00.005-04:00

The darkness settles in sometimes when I least expect it, like yesterday while I was getting ready for Molly's birthday party. I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain so I didn't have to feel sometimes.

Then again, looking for that switch was what got me to this place to begin with.

I managed to squeeze out the darkness for the sake of my 3 year old. What really makes me sad is that I'll always look back on this day and remember how shitty I felt while I had a big smile plastered on my face. I will always wonder if she felt my sadness and self-loathing seeping into the day.

I'm feeling impatient with myself. I want all of this behind me. I want it to be over. I want to wake up in the morning and feel light and content and full of joy. I felt that way once...shouldn't it still be in there, somewhere?

I just don't know where to find it anymore. Some days, like yesterday, I lack even the strength to look for it.

Pass me a Brown Thing, would ya?

2008-02-29T13:47:00.006-04:00

I'm not one to read tabloid magazines. I'm just not interested in which celebrities have cellulite, how many babies Angelina Jolie wants to adopt, who has an eating disorder, or the latest sightings of aliens, bigfoot, bat boy or Elvis. I will admit, though, that when I'm stuck in the lineup at the grocery store, I do find that my eyes gravitate toward those things like Oprah to a new diet. All my celebrity knowledge comes from whatever I'm able to read on the front covers during my five minute wait to unload my groceries.

Last night I saw an interesting headline. Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kid, Suri, is living quite the 'bizarre' life. There was a list of things that made her life so, things like Scientology playdates and the like, but, topping this shocking list is the fact that this poor child is deprived both television AND Happy Meals. The Horror!

I went searching on the internet just now to find out just how old this kid is. She won't be two until the middle of April! Honestly, as soon as they've got teeth, kids needs to be hooked up to all-you-can-stomach Happy Meals and a steady supply of television. We need more people to contribute to the childhood obesity problem! What the hell are her parents thinking, exactly??? QUICK! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE PLEASE PHONE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I'm more than a little bit sarcastic. But really, first of all, who the cares if this kid isn't getting McDonald's and television, and second of all, since when is that considered a bad thing?

The ironic part is, of course, if photos turned up of the kid gumming on a cheeseburger and watching Law and Order they'd catch hell for that, too. Gotta love the society we live in, man.

Chris and I walk a fine line with what we allow our kids. We don't have television but we do borrow kid videos from the library. We allow them their time each day to watch, and even occasionally give them a little extra for a special treat. We take them trick-or-treating and let them have 'treats' now and again, but certainly not on a daily basis. Our personal view is that to make it 'forbidden' only makes it that much more interesting. So they can have a little, and hopefully they will learn moderation from that.

That being said, there are certain things that are forbidden. McDonald's is definitely one of those things. I don't feel one OUNCE of guilt for that one. I can happily say that while I'm still able to make that decision on their behalf, my kids will never know what a Big Mac tastes like. Same with television. Not under my roof.

While we were away on vacation I had an amusing experience with my kids. On the way to our vacation spot, we stopped at a Tim Horton's for a bathroom break and to grab a bagel for lunch. Timmy's is a spot that we go to about once a year - when we make our annual vacation trip. I prefer fair-trade organic coffee from small, local coffee shops. I prefer not to help out big business. Besides, Timmy's coffee tastes like crap.

We stopped there and the girls looked at the display of doughnuts and asked if they could have one. In a moment of weakness, I bought them one chocolate glazed doughnut to share in the car during the second half of our trip. After we ate, we got loaded in the car, and Molly said loudly, "I want my brown thing!"

"Brown thing? What brown thing?"

"Mommy, she means the thing you bought us to eat." Emma explained.

Oh! Her brown thing. Poor child didn't even know it was called a doughnut. I had a memory of Emma at the same age when she saw a package of plain sugared doughnuts at the grocery store. She called them 'sugar bagels'. Hm. Maybe I'm depriving my children more than I thought.

Please, no one phone social services on me, 'kay?

The Quiet

2008-02-29T10:06:00.003-04:00

Vacation quiet was good. I was able to get alone a couple of times, and go running in the nearby park. Both times were intense...I found myself overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions....to the point where I thought I was going to fly apart into a million pieces.

I'm not sure if that's a good feeling or a bad one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need more running. I've been having a hard time getting myself out there these past couple of months...all because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. There's simply too much to think about. I do know, however, that the only way to sort through the garbage is to go running and sort through it...but it's such a scary thought to me right now.

I don't know that I necessarily got a lot sorted out this week. I had a difficult time opening up to people, talking about my 'stuff'. I guess I always end up feeling like I don't have a right to feel what I feel, that everyone is tired of hearing me whine. I have an inner drill sergeant that tells me to "just suck it up and deal with it!!!" which comes in mighty handy when running a marathon but isn't so great when it comes to being honest with my feelings and working through what I need to work through in order to be a whole person again.

This morning is quiet again. Chris took the girls out to playgroup this morning and I'm left with the daunting task of preparing for Miss Molly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow. I've got so much left to do that I'm not even sure where to start. Classic Kelly. Leave it all go until the last minute and then work like a madwoman and completely stress out getting it done.

I guess that's a pretty good distraction from thinking about how shitty I still feel.

Vacation!

2008-02-24T07:22:00.003-04:00

Less than 5 hours until we are on the road.

I am so happy right now.

Yeah, it's a little intimidating, to have all of the practical considerations of life removed for a few days, leaving me with nothing but time. I've got a lot of things swirling around in my head. I'm sincerely hoping that a few days immersed in quiet will allow me to sort some of this out. I'm not expecting any miracles, but I'm certainly hoping that I'll return home feeling a little more 'sorted out' than I currently am.

And if I'm not, oh well. At least I'll be a little better rested.

Pre-vacation Ramble

2008-02-23T09:23:00.007-04:00

I've been sitting here for a full ten minutes trying to think of something funny/amusing/clever/profound to write about.

Still nothing.

Guess it's one of those days when I'm going to have a difficult time focusing and getting anything done. Perfect spot to be in when I have to pack and clean like a madwoman for our vacation that starts tomorrow.

I just know that we'll arrive there tomorrow and I'll discover that I've forgotten something critical, like underpants. Scratch that. More likely I'll discover I've forgotten to pack the organic chocolate or the booze. Now THAT would truly be a crisis. Drawers I can manage without. But chocolate and beer? NO WAY!

I've noticed that whenever I've got a million things to get done, like I do today, my kids always seem to sense it, and become EXTRA demanding and whiny. They bicker more, they make bigger messes. In short, they turn into little trolls, hell bent on making my life even more miserable than it currently is. The girls already decided to wait until I had JUST prepared my breakfast to start loudly and impatiently demanding a snack. Never mind the fact that they'd just eaten breakfast less than an hour before, I was starving, and desperately needed a tea, and a few moments of peace to collect myself. They don't care about that. It's not just my kids, they're all narcissists. My only hope is that someday they grow out of it, unlike the vast majority of the world's population.

Geez, I'm a real beacon of goodness and light today, huh?

Uh-oh. There were go. Further demands for snacks. Guess I'd better get to it. If I find something interesting enough for them to chow down on, I just might be able to get 10 minutes of peace so I can have a shower.

Here's hoping.

Being Present

2008-02-22T17:03:00.003-04:00

I can feel it building - the apprehension that I always feel right before we go away on our annual Retreat. While I welcome the break from "real life" - no television, no phone, no computer - part of me always feels nervous about not having those distractions around. The conditions force me to be present. Ultimately, it's a good thing, but part of me always almost dreads it before we go.

There is nowhere to hide.

I have a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual 'crap' that I am processing lately. It's a lot of work. I still have a long, long way to go before I'm "all better" -- completely healed. It's possible that I'll never be, I don't know. It's good to sometimes be forced to face those issues; it's all too easy to run away from them sometimes, to sink into a website or call someone or veg out in front of a movie. I won't have those options available to me for 5 days.

It's a scary prospect.

Scary, but exciting at the same time.

Procrastination

2008-02-22T12:18:00.005-04:00

Yes, I know I've told y'all this before - I am a HUGE procrastinator. I'm not proud of this fact, it's simply one of those things about me. I'm not sure where it comes from, exactly. Maybe it's my self-destructive tendencies. Maybe it's a method of distraction. Could it be that I'm just lazy?
More likely it's a mix of all of those things.

On Sunday we leave to go away to a nice little country inn with a big group of friends. We do this every year, and it's wonderful. We get away from the city, bond, have fun, relax, communicate...it's great. I've been craving this vacation since Christmas. With recent events in my life being what they are, this is something that I desperately need. I need a break from "everyday life" so that I can focus a little more on what's really important in my life right now -- which is feeling like a whole and complete person.

I've been procrastinating all week long. I have a million and one things to do before Sunday morning. Yesterday afternoon, instead of making lists, cleaning, packing, or doing any number of other preparations, I spent the afternoon playing dress-up with the girls. When Chris arrived home from class, he found me in a huge afro, with a crown on my head, dressed in a yellow gown.

No, I didn't get any packing done, but the girls and I had a lot more fun. Isn't that what life is all about anyhow?

The packing and preparing will get done, one way or another. The great thing about us procrastinators is that we're GREAT at pulling last-minute miracles out of our asses.

Anger

2008-02-21T20:46:00.004-04:00

As I am working on this journey toward healing, the last few days I have had a lot of anger surface. Not anger because of recent events in my life...but anger from my childhood, mostly, when the seeds were planted that led me to be the person that I am today, fraught with so many problems and issues.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning in them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, we've all got problems and issues. It just seems that mine were allowed to really get in the way of me exploring (and reaching) my potential as a human being. To the point where I damaged myself and others around me. Possibly forever.

As I'm sifting through all of the mental and emotional garbage that I've accumulated over the last 33 years, I'm realizing that I have a lot of things to be angry about. I'm not looking to shift blame here - after all, I'm an adult now, and I realize that only I am responsible for the choices that I make. I get that.

But I'm still allowed to be angry at the people and the situations that shaped me into this person with poor coping skills and inaccurate views of life and self.

I know that I have to allow myself to feel the anger so that I can move past it. And right now, I'm there, baby....I'm not holding anything back.

Making the Choice

2008-02-20T08:27:00.002-04:00

So I've been thinking a lot more about this whole 'choosing self-love' option that's out there. I realize that I've been expecting that I was going to suddenly wake up one morning and just love myself.

It just doesn't work that way.

I'm thinking that for someone like me, learning to love myself is a lot like recovering from an eating disorder. You don't just wake up one morning and the urge to abuse one's body with food (or a lack of it) is suddenly gone. It takes work...effort. Two steps forward, one step back. Some days are golden, others are like walking through a mud pit that is slowly filling up around you. However, the beauty of it is, every day, no matter if it is a "good" day, or a "bad" one, teaches you more about yourself and the process.

I'm thinking that the journey toward self-love is much the same way. It's not going to be like flipping on a switch. This is something that I am going to have to fight for, if it's something that I really and truly want.

Do I want it? Yes! Even though this scares the ever-livin' CRAP outta me, this is something that I very much want to achieve.

Wow. It's hard even admitting that.

The fear is good. It lets me know that this is something that I really do need to do....

If Love is a Choice....

2008-02-19T10:12:00.003-04:00

...and it applies to our relationships with others, then I have no choice but to admit that it applies to self-love as well.

Maybe even more to self-love than any other kind, in fact.

That's a scary concept to someone who was taught, and lived her whole life believing that self-love and narcissism were pretty much the same thing.

Self-love isn't something that just happens out of nowhere. It's not a state that's achieved once one finally crosses all the necessary items off his or her "to do" list. It's a decision...or rather, a series of many little decisions over the course of a lifetime. I can either decide to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, or I can decide to love and forgive myself, flaws and all, and conduct myself accordingly.

So what happens if I do? What happens if I finally, once and for all, make the conscious decision to love myself?

I have no idea. Right now that thought is a little too scary for me to fully process.

Love is a Choice

2008-02-18T11:12:00.006-04:00

I've been turning this concept over in my mind a lot this morning - Love is a Choice.

I read someone's opinion this morning that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. I disagree with that completely. Lust is a chemical reaction, definitely. And I think that far too many people confuse lust with love.

Lust - those initial feelings in the beginning of the relationship - the feelings that make you want to be around that person all the time. It's like a drug. Of course it's a great feeling. I think that most relationships start off that way, and really, they need to. It's what attracts two people, brings them together in the first place. It ensures continuation of the species.

Then, there is love. Love develops and deepens over time. It doesn't happen overnight, despite what the books and movies would have you believe. Love isn't a feeling or a word, as most people believe. It is a verb - an action word. It requires work. I firmly believe that the couples who stay together their whole lives make the decision to do so. It's not that their relationships are so much greater than anyone else's. Hell, we've ALL got problems and issues to work through -- otherwise, we wouldn't be human. The difference between a relationship that lasts, and one that doesn't, is the willingness of the partners involved to work through the crap that gets dredged to the surface. And make no mistake - it WILL happen eventually.

I'm not saying this in judgment of anyone. Obviously, this is something that BOTH people have to commit to. And that's not always the case. This particular road is a hell of lot of work. It's not for the easily exhausted. Sometimes, other factors get in the way, other things take priority. That's just the way that it is sometimes.

But I do believe that the divorce rate would go down dramatically if couples simply made the daily decision to love their partner unconditionally, and no matter what. I strongly believe that couples who do that, can make it through anything.

Am I little bit optimistic? Maybe. So far it's gotten me through 10 years and a whole helluva lot of issues and screw ups...big ones, even. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that I am making the commitment to love my husband through whatever life throws my way.

Frozen

2008-02-16T17:11:00.003-04:00

Right now, the only word for how I'm feeling is "frozen". I've been working so hard on healing, trying so hard to work toward being a whole and complete person...the person that I want to be. But suddenly I am feeling stuck, like there is no where for me to go. I know that I can't force any of this, but I just feel so utterly lost.

Lost and lonely.

What I really need is a break, but I can't escape myself, the inner workings of my mind, the ache in my heart, or the gaping hole in the pit of my stomach.

I don't know where to go, but all I know is that I can't stay here...

Ironically....

2008-02-15T15:07:00.003-04:00

After all my worry over the years about the nose ring and how people might perceive me differently because it, I've noticed something pretty interesting since I've gotten it done. No one has really noticed. I've bumped into a few acquaintances of mine this week, and no one has mentioned anything. Two friends of mine, I've had to point it out to; both of them were surprised, commenting that the "thought something was different" but couldn't quite put their finger on it.

So either it's not that noticeable, or it just completely suits me... ;) Either way, it doesn't matter does it? I got this done for me, I love it, and so far I haven't noticed anyone treating me any differently because of it. Of course, even if they did, at this point, I really wouldn't care all that much.

I'm still smiling every time I look in the mirror.

It's still relevant this year...

2008-02-14T19:40:00.001-04:00

Valentine's Day STINKS!

My Wish For Everyone...

2008-02-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

May we all come to the place where we accept that we make mistakes...and that makes us not only human, but beautiful.

Because we can not truly know joy unless we have sorrow to compare it to.

And sorrow is a damn good motivation toward true healing.

***

I have written a lot lately about recent mistakes I have made in my life. I am working hard toward forgiveness of myself, toward learning from all that there is to learn from these mistakes, and doing better next time. I'm a firm believer that we've all got to screw up now and again - it reminds us that we're human, it gives us something to improve upon, it has the potential to teach us much about the world and ourselves.

I could spend my life being sorry for the mistakes I've made. But just being sorry isn't enough, is it? Sorry is just a word, an abstract concept. The only way to show that I'm sorry, is through my actions. Through learning and coming out of this a better person for it.

Do I regret my mistakes? Only sometimes. I regret hurting, and others being hurt, definitely. But I know that without my mistakes, I have little opportunity to grow and learn. And I have done more of both in the last month or so than I have in a very, very long time.

"I Wanna Be Just Like You When I Grow Up"

2008-02-13T09:00:00.004-04:00

So my almost five year old hit me with a doozie yesterday. She looked at me and declared, "I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Mommy".

Uh...what?

I laughed to myself. She's entered into that, "My mommy is the coolest person in the world and I'm not afraid to shout it from the rooftops" phase. Better than "Mom, you don't know shit", which generally comes close on the heels of the hero-worship thing after the kid discovers that you're really just human after all.

But I am human. I can't hide that. I am human, I make mistakes. All the time. Just like everyone else. Some big ones, some small ones. It's just a simple fact of living - the more we get out there and live, the more opportunities we have to screw it up. And oftentimes, we do just that.

I've been thinking a lot about Emma since we had that conversation. I've realized that she's watching everything I do. Every good thing, and everything not-so-good thing is being observed and filed away in that little brain of hers.

It's a lot of pressure to be under.

My first instinct is to try and do everything perfectly. Be the model mom that any kid could be proud of. Impossible! I could give it a try, and maybe she'd even buy it, but there would come a point when she'd find herself realizing that mommy doesn't do everything so perfectly after all, and then her belief in me, and most likely herself, would be shattered. That's the last thing I would want.

Instead, I am left with the only other option -- being human. It's the only 'real' option, isn't it? Instead of trying to fool my daughter (and myself) with fake sentiment, I am going for honesty.

No, honey, I'm not perfect. Yes, I do make mistakes, just like everyone else. The only thing we can do when that happens is to learn from it, and try to do better next time. Yeah, it sucks but it's the only real opportunity that we have for true happiness.

These days, I'm trying to be grateful for my screw-ups. They remind me that I'm alive. They have so much to teach me. Yep, it truly sucks when they happen, but I'm a firm believer that a life without mistakes is no life at all.

Someone remind me of this the next time I really feel like crap, okay?

"What Others Think of Me is None of My Business"

2008-02-11T20:54:00.000-04:00

For the last at least five years I've been thinking (and talking) about getting my nose pierced. Chris has been totally supportive of this (though if he'd had his way, it would have been my bellybutton... ;)

Every once in a while the subject of my nose piercing has come up. My main reason for chickening out, each and every time, had nothing to do with the pain of actually having it done. It had to do with my concern over how others would perceive me with a nose ring. I'm not just talking about my friends or family - I'm also talking about 'them' - acquaintances, potential friends, the cashier at the grocery store. I worried that something as simple as a nose ring might colour others' opinion of me.

I heard a great quote this week by Wayne Dyer (this is for you, Laura!!): "What others think of me is none of my business."

This really hit home for me. I've spent so much of my life worrying about being judged by other people, and working so damn hard to ensure that their judgment was a good one. It's an exhausting way to live. The truth is that no matter what I do, I can't control how others choose to look at me. Nose piercing or not, some people are going to judge me negatively, others positively, and still others, not at all.

None of my business.

The most important person whose perception I need to worry about is me. I need to be happy an content with the choices that I make in life - big and small. Everything from being loyal to my husband to getting a nose ring and everything in between. Granted, I'm not always going to make the "right" choice - that's just something that happens in life. But again, that's mine to worry about - what other people think of my choices, good or bad, have nothing to do with me.

On Sunday night I got my nose pierced. It was great. I'll spare you all the gory details, other than to say that I got pierced by a nice guy named Eddie who was quiet and friendly and really put me at ease. I found out that, (in Eddie's words) I am "a bleeder"...but once the blood stopped gushing out of my right nostril, it was really just fine. WAY less painful than childbirth. And no itchy stitches afterwards. ;)

The best part is how much I grin at my reflection in the mirror. Now THERE is a woman who living life...and who made a decision that brings her happiness, without worrying about what other people think of her for it.

I'm so glad she talked me into finally going for it.

94 days to go

2008-02-11T10:20:00.000-04:00

Sadly, running has fallen by the wayside a lot lately, and the marathon is a mere 94 days away.

Mostly it's been the weather that's prevented me.

Actually, that's complete bullshit. Mostly it's been my own dark mood that's been keeping me house-bound and away from running. My dark mood, and my fear.

Fear.

Yep. I'm scared shitless right now of spending that much time alone with my own thoughts. There's a lot of crap in there that I need to deal with, and running is one of those times when I can't push the thoughts away...I am simply left to face them, good or bad.

Ultimately, I know that my intense fear means, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is something that I should be doing. Doesn't actually make me want to do it, though....

2008-02-10T10:49:00.001-04:00

It's amazing to me how things can look so bleak sometimes.

I am at a point these days where I'm no longer sure which direction I need to go in. I'm trying hard not to force anything, to just let myself be. It will come to me, if I am gentle and patient with myself, if I try not to rush. Some things, particularly healing, can not be rushed. I've gotta do this right this time. I'm not going to get a second chance to screw things up this royally.

My emotions continue to run high. I have moments, little glimpses, where I feel "normal" - happy and content. I have other moments that feel as though my whole life is closing in on me and I'm completely panicked. And there is every conceivable emotion in between. I can switch from one to another with little to no warning, often without any control over it. I was out with friends last night, and at one point giggling hysterically. Had I allowed myself, I could have easily gone from hysterical laughing to hysterical sobbing. Fortunately for me and everyone around me, I managed to hold myself together. I have cried at least once every single day for the past 3 weeks. I have been told that tears are cleansing, and that I should be grateful for the fact that I'm actually feeling my emotions. I feel shitty because shitty things have happened. It's okay to feel shitty sometimes.

Hm. Makes sense.

Makes sense, still sucks. Like so many things these days.

I'm trying hard not to judge the feelings as good or bad - they simply are. Understanding them and feeling them are all a part of the process. Again - makes sense, but still sucks.

The good news is that it's not going to suck forever. As shitty as I feel right now, at least I have that to hold on to.

Today

2008-02-06T10:19:00.000-04:00

Today, being here is too hard.

It's not even 10:30 and already I want today to be over.

I don't want to do this anymore...any of it. But I don't know how to escape.

The Darkness

2008-02-05T21:55:00.000-04:00

Tonight, I am feeling dark.

There is no good in anything.

I don't want to be alone with myself, because I don't want to face who and what I am. I want to hide in a dark corner and not come out. I want to run away where no one knows me and I can just start over, be anything or anyone that I want. I'd probably fuck that up, too.

I am lonely, yet at the same time feel like I don't deserve to have that loneliness lifted.

I am tired of feeling. I don't want to feel any more.

Finding "Me"

2008-02-05T09:25:00.000-04:00

I know that I am in there...somewhere.

I just need to make the time and effort to find me.

This morning while I was out there running (yes, Chris almost literally shoved me out the door,and for that I am grateful) I felt stronger and more confident than I have in a very long time. I felt a longing, deep down inside...it was "the real me", my true self, longing to come out.

I know that I need to listen to that longing....but for some reason, it scares the hell out of me. I have spent my whole life trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, and to finally trust what that inner voice is saying goes against everything I have ever believed about myself.

It is not going to happen overnight. I will need lots more shoves out the door. I will need to be quiet with myself and listen to that little voice...and nurture her so that she gets louder, more confident in herself. I need to push past the fear that I'm feeling, and learn how to trust the things that voice is telling me.

It won't be easy.

Guilty Little Pleasure

2008-02-04T15:19:00.002-04:00

Today I indulged in one of my guilty little pleasures. It's been a long time since I've done it. There I was, standing in the grocery store this morning, and the compulsion overtook me. I couldn't refuse it - I didn't have it in me to say no.

I know it's bad, it's something that I shouldn't indulge in. At one point I was pretty addicted to it, and finally broke the habit, and felt better for it. It wasn't something that I wanted my kids picking up on and trying themselves. But today, for some reason, I just couldn't help myself.

I was in the door only about five minutes, made sure the girls weren't around, and then cracked open that box of Q-tips and swabbed my ears, hard and deep, like I haven't done in a good long while. It felt even better than I remembered. Then I stashed the box before anyone could see it and start asking questions. I know that tomorrow morning, after the shower, I will hear those little cotton-tipped swabs calling my name.

I know that it's bad...but it feels oh so good....

More Wanting

2008-02-03T14:51:00.000-04:00

I want to run.

I want to strap on my iPod, lace up my shoes and hit the streets. I want to start out in the dark, quiet morning and run, with my music turned down low so that I can hear the gentle sounds of the early morning.

I want to run into the busier parts of town, with my music blaring, people hustling and bustling, me just another detail that is easily passed over as they rush off about their business - invisible.

I want to run down to the park, the sun just beginning to rise. I want to stand beside the ocean and watch the morning begin. I want to be there for a fresh beginning; a new day without any mistakes in it yet.

I want to run past the memories that haunt me. I want to run until my brain is numb and I can think of nothing else but propelling myself forward. I want to run until I no longer remember who I am and what I have done.

I want to run until I feel as though I cannot run another step, and then I want to run some more. I want to run until I am drenched with sweat, until my legs shake from the effort of holding me upright. I want to run until my body surrenders and I can do nothing but lie down and feel the sweet agony of complete and utter fatigue.

I want to run until I am no longer me...until I am nothing but an empty vessel that I can begin to fill up again - this time, with the good.

I want to run.

Sushi Night

2008-02-02T07:04:00.000-04:00

For the past almost three years, Friday night has been Sushi Night for Chris and I. I make us sushi, we wait until the girls are in bed, and then we sit down to enjoy our meal in peace together and usually watch a movie. It's a nice little tradition, something to look forward to during the week.

Last night I made cucumber rolls for the first time in a while. When I took the first bite of cucumber, the fresh, crisp taste reminded me of when we first started our little tradition. I found my heart longing for spring -- a fresh beginning. I wished in that moment for the ability to travel in time, back to before I'd made so many mistakes, before my heart was filled with so much hurt and regret. I try hard to remain positive, and look for the lessons that life is offering me, but that is difficult to do sometimes.

We don't always make the right choices in life, that is a sad truth. But every choice, "good" or "bad", has the ability to teach us something...if we remain open to that possibility. That is the knowledge that I hug close to myself when my head hits the pillow every night.

That doesn't stop the tears...but it helps me to know that those tears are not in vain.

I want....

2008-02-01T12:28:00.000-04:00

I want to stand and look out over a snow-covered field, surrounded by trees, carefully listening as the snow falls around me. I want to experience the silence so deep that I can hear the individual snowflakes fall onto my shoulders. I want to feel the snowflakes kiss my cheeks and eyelashes, melting and running down my face like cold, cleansing tears. I want to close my eyes and feel the open sky and experience the vastness of the world. I want to feel, just for a moment, like I am the only person left on the planet.

Struggling

2008-01-31T07:06:00.000-04:00

This is the second morning in a row that I've gotten up, gotten dressed for running, and haven't made it out the door. I am really struggling with getting out there, and doing what I need to do in order to feel better.

I guess at least part of it is my own self-destruction tendency. Doing good things to and for myself is really hard for me, particularly when I'm struggling through a "low", like I am right now. I did journal this morning, which I suppose is something good, but it doesn't compare to the sweat and heavy breathing and muscle exhaustion of getting out there and running.

I suppose instead of focusing on what I'm NOT doing, I should focus on what I AM doing. It is, however, a difficult thing for me to do. I'm so used to focusing on the negative things about myself, that seeing that positives isn't usually an easy thing.

Just one more thing on my list of "things to do"....

Gratitude

2008-01-30T15:46:00.000-04:00

I have so many blessings in my life. I have difficulty sometimes remembering that, I have a terrible tendency to take such things for granted.

Here are just a few of the many things I have to be grateful for in my life (in no particular order):

- my understanding, compassionate and loving husband
- my two wonderfully amazing daughters
- a community of friends unrivaled by any other group of people on the planet
- my family, certain family members in particular
- a comfortable home to live in
- enough food, enough money
- good health
- a cool new hoodie from Value Village with faux fur around the hood and HUGE pompoms!

Acceptance

2008-01-30T08:57:00.001-04:00

A difficult thing for me is accepting that I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I can not "make" someone see things my way. I cannot force my thoughts and opinions upon others. As adults, we are all responsible for the decisions we make, the paths we choose.

I have made some very regrettable decisions in my life. I am responsible for them. I am responsible for trying to make things better. I cannot worry about what others are doing or thinking or how they are conducting themselves...because there is nothing that I can do to change that. I may feel sad about the choices and decisions that others make, but that's the most that I have a right to.

Learning to let go of that is a hard thing for me. But I am getting there, slowly. It's all part of the process.

Bad Things Happen

2008-01-29T16:41:00.000-04:00

The harsh reality about life is that sometimes bad things happen. Unfortunately, sometimes we are even the cause of those bad things. That's just part of being human. Sometimes we hurt ourselves.

When bad things do happen, when hurts are caused, and damage is done, we are faced with a choice. We have the choice to mend the damage, heal and move on, a more whole and healthy person, or we can wallow in grief and pain and misery, without having learned anything at all. I believe that every experience in life, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn and grow, but only if we make that conscious choice.

That choice isn't always easy. Learning from mistakes, healing, and moving on, is the hard road. The easy road is to suppress and cover up and find a way to forget. The easy road is the tempting road, for sure, but it's the road that ensures more mistakes will be made.

I can't go back and un-do past mistakes or hurt that I have caused. It's too late to do that. The only option that I have available to me is to keep moving forward, to do my best to learn, and (hopefully) do better in the future.

That is something that I wish for everyone.

A Long Road

2008-01-28T10:25:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last five months or so of my life completely "checked out". I have not been in the present. I have been so immersed in my own selfishness, in my own avoidance of my problems and issues, that I have hurt people around me, and caused damage to my relationships. In most cases they didn't even know it, but the hurt is there nevertheless.

I am now on the road to getting better. It's going to be a long road, a hard road, full of a lot of potholes and detours and who knows what else. I am so fortunate in that I have the love and support of not only my husband, but a community of friends who will help me through this. Ultimately it is I who has to do the work to get better, to make all of this better, but I have a hell of a cheering section.

I have said and done a lot of regrettable things. Fortunately, most of it I can make better. Some of it, I am afraid I can't...and probably won't ever be able to. For those things, I am deeply sorry. I can only hope that time will take the hurt away...for everyone.

New Beginnings

2008-01-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamed of giving birth. I was not in a hospital room, but in a warm, comforting place, in a room surrounded by people. There was no physical baby; I had given birth to something completely intangible, something that I couldn't see or hear or touch. Even though it wasn't a physical "thing", I still had the sensation of something having been removed from my body.

In this room, after the birth was over, I looked around to see that I was surrounded by women, all of whom were bustling about to care for me. I laid on a cot and was wrapped lovingly in a blanket, examined, reassured and comforted. I remember feeling both confused and lost, yet comforted and loved at exactly the same time.

I woke up with a smile on my face, knowing that this was a good omen, a sign of my new beginning.

I am going to be okay.

One of those days

2008-01-25T08:40:00.000-04:00

It's going to be one of those days, I can feel it.

It is 8:45 a.m. Chris is at work, then class, then running errands. I expect him home at around 1:30 or so.

It is currently -25 with the windchill outside. There are no promises for it to get much warmer.

Molly is wearing her 4th outfit of the day so far. I haven't looked in her room yet, but I am certain it is strewn with clothing and her dresser drawers look as though they have vomited out their contents.

Emma is whiny, cranky, and demanding.

The girls are squabbling over toys already. They could fight over anything. Anything! They are both in one of those moods where they feel like picking at and aggravating one another.

They are currently playing under a giant golf umbrella, which they are using as their "club house". I am wondering how long it will be before someone gets their eye poked out, or busts the umbrella.

It's one of those days where I'm going to have to summon every bit of mental and emotional energy that I have, in order to prevent it from becoming a complete train wreck. I seriously wonder if I have it in me today.

Is it spring yet?

Rough Night

2008-01-21T07:14:00.000-04:00

Last night was a bad night for sleeping.

I have a lot of things that I'm mulling over in my mind, things that I am processing...working through. Normally I am the kind of person who can sleep through that kind of thing - I welcome the break, actually - but last night was an exception to that, and I am sorry to report that I slept terribly. The problem was compounded by the fact that Molly, who came into our room at some point during the night, was restless as well. A good part of the night was spent untangling her limbs from mine and moving her over so I wasn't absolutely sandwiched between her and Chris.

The one thought that comforted me through the night as I laid there, awake, was the fact that I would be able to get out for a run this morning, early, to clear my head.

I finally got up at about 5:45 and checked the weather. Minus 27 with the wind chill. Running in that temperature just isn't an option for me. Can't do it. So here I am left with a bunch of pent up emotional and mental energy and no place to put it. Maybe I'll be able to put it to good use and get some things done around the house. No use letting it go to waste...

Foiled Again

2008-01-20T11:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I formulated a plan in my head that I would get in a glorious run today. Friday's rain ensured that the sidewalks were nicely cleared of ice and snow, making it perfect running conditions (even though it's too cold for my liking - boohoo). Last night a surprise snowfall - did anyone see this coming? Anyone? - means that the sidewalks are now snow-covered and decidedly NOT good for running. Foiled again. It's been so long since I've gotten in a good solid string of runs that I forget what it feels like.

Today I'm feeling deflated. And defeated. Hibernation sounds extremely appealing at this point.

Is it spring yet?