Today was supposed to be long run day. Note I said "supposed to be". I had a bit of digestive upset yesterday - not sure if it was physical or emotional - but it left me feeling drained this morning.
On top of that, I am feeling very weighed down by my mental and emotional state.
I tried. I did oversleep, resigning myself to the fact that I would still be able to get out there and go for at short one. I got up, dressed, and got out there. Less than 5 minutes into the run, I knew that I wasn't going to be a good one. Another five minutes, when I stopped to stretch, I was ready to throw in the towel. I turned back toward home.
I'm trying hard not to feel discouraged by this. Last week it was so great to be getting out there again, doing something that I love so much. This morning, I'm having difficulty believing that I deserve to feel good like that. And that's always the issue - feeling like I deserve it.
I still don't.
I'm thinking of taking a break from this blog for a while. I feel like I have few good things to write about right now. I'm tired of the moaning and complaining. I can do that elsewhere, but not here. This blog was always meant to be about so much more than that. Sure, there was always an element about my struggles in life, we've all got those. I always thought that in some small way, I could offer hope to other people reading this that they're not alone, that we all struggle, and it's okay. Not alone, check. Struggling, check. Okay? Some days I'm not so sure anymore.
This blog has morphed into something that I didn't want it to be. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I have morphed into someone that I don't want to be.
I'm sorry to those that I have let down. You never deserved to be disappointed.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
This morning's "therapy session"
More therapy this morning - another run.
I am happy to report that the running part of my life is steadily improving. I am both impressed and shocked at how readily my body is responding to it again. Not to mention the positive effect this is having on mental and emotional state.
Huh. Maybe I really AM a runner after all. Well, if this doesn't teach me that, then frankly, nothing will.
This morning I found myself thinking about our dog, Max. I see lots of people out walking their dogs in the early morning, and for some reason, today, Max popped into my mind. Hell, maybe I'm just desperately searching for something ELSE to feel guilty about...
In any case, I thought about Max. Max, our 150-lb, Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix who was dumb as a post but the sweetest dog on the planet. We got him right after we were first married from the SPCA when he was just a wee puppy. He soon grew up into a massive dog with the heart of a lap dog. He was a handful! He ate leather sandals (yes, that's right, I said ATE sandals...everything but the soles!!), chewed other shoes, dug giant holes in the backyard, ripped open our garbage and dragged it through the house when he was left home alone. He did a million other things too, that have been forgotten about over the years. He loved people and he loved playing hide and seek and laying in a big bean bag chair that we had just for him. He was good natured and protective and possibly the dumbest dog that ever lived.
After Emma was born, we had even less time for dear old Max. With a little baby to care for (and a high-maintenance one at that) we had even less time for our high-maintenance dog. Max got even less attention than he had before. We weren't being fair to poor old Max.
After a long decision-making period, we decided that we needed to find another home for Max. Add to the complication the fact that we were selling our house and moving into an apartment so that I could be a stay-at-home mom, and there's not too many places big enough to accommodate a dog of that size. Eventually, we took him to a wonderful animal shelter that keeps the animals until a suitable home is found for them.
I was surprised to find out how hard it was to do that, how much I missed him. How much I still miss him! Sometimes I see dogs around the city that look very much like him. I've even stopped and struck up conversations with the owners. None of them have been Max.
This morning I thought of dear old Max and was filled with sadness. We did right by him, in the end, and I'm sure that he's in a loving house and getting all the attention and love that he deserves. I'm sorry that we weren't the ones to be able to give him that.
Hopefully, for the sake of his new family, he's broken his sandal-eating habit.
I am happy to report that the running part of my life is steadily improving. I am both impressed and shocked at how readily my body is responding to it again. Not to mention the positive effect this is having on mental and emotional state.
Huh. Maybe I really AM a runner after all. Well, if this doesn't teach me that, then frankly, nothing will.
This morning I found myself thinking about our dog, Max. I see lots of people out walking their dogs in the early morning, and for some reason, today, Max popped into my mind. Hell, maybe I'm just desperately searching for something ELSE to feel guilty about...
In any case, I thought about Max. Max, our 150-lb, Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix who was dumb as a post but the sweetest dog on the planet. We got him right after we were first married from the SPCA when he was just a wee puppy. He soon grew up into a massive dog with the heart of a lap dog. He was a handful! He ate leather sandals (yes, that's right, I said ATE sandals...everything but the soles!!), chewed other shoes, dug giant holes in the backyard, ripped open our garbage and dragged it through the house when he was left home alone. He did a million other things too, that have been forgotten about over the years. He loved people and he loved playing hide and seek and laying in a big bean bag chair that we had just for him. He was good natured and protective and possibly the dumbest dog that ever lived.
After Emma was born, we had even less time for dear old Max. With a little baby to care for (and a high-maintenance one at that) we had even less time for our high-maintenance dog. Max got even less attention than he had before. We weren't being fair to poor old Max.
After a long decision-making period, we decided that we needed to find another home for Max. Add to the complication the fact that we were selling our house and moving into an apartment so that I could be a stay-at-home mom, and there's not too many places big enough to accommodate a dog of that size. Eventually, we took him to a wonderful animal shelter that keeps the animals until a suitable home is found for them.
I was surprised to find out how hard it was to do that, how much I missed him. How much I still miss him! Sometimes I see dogs around the city that look very much like him. I've even stopped and struck up conversations with the owners. None of them have been Max.
This morning I thought of dear old Max and was filled with sadness. We did right by him, in the end, and I'm sure that he's in a loving house and getting all the attention and love that he deserves. I'm sorry that we weren't the ones to be able to give him that.
Hopefully, for the sake of his new family, he's broken his sandal-eating habit.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Your Words
Your words can hurt me or comfort me.
Calm me or disturb me.
Nurture me or crush me.
Help me to heal or damage me forever.
It is in your hands.
Calm me or disturb me.
Nurture me or crush me.
Help me to heal or damage me forever.
It is in your hands.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Words
Words have the power to heal a wound...or shatter a heart.
Words can cause tears, or cease the flow.
Words can comfort, or strike fear into a heart.
Words can be a comforting blanket to wrap around oneself on a cold winter's night...or it can be the bitter wind blowing through the cracks in the windowpane.
Some days, words are all that I have. I hug them close to me. I nurture and poison them at the same time. Words filling up my brain and my soul, buzzing inside my skull, squeezing out all coherent thoughts.
Tonight, I am filled with words...and there is no one to hear them.
Words can cause tears, or cease the flow.
Words can comfort, or strike fear into a heart.
Words can be a comforting blanket to wrap around oneself on a cold winter's night...or it can be the bitter wind blowing through the cracks in the windowpane.
Some days, words are all that I have. I hug them close to me. I nurture and poison them at the same time. Words filling up my brain and my soul, buzzing inside my skull, squeezing out all coherent thoughts.
Tonight, I am filled with words...and there is no one to hear them.
City Girl
I got to spend some much-needed time this weekend, alone, out and about in the city. I was reminded again of how much I love it. I'm a country girl originally, a way-out-in-the-sticks kind of country girl, and I never imagined myself as a city dweller.
Yet here I am.
Here I am, and I love it. I am thriving here. I am a people person and I love being surrounded by people. I love the fact that I can be both surrounded by people, and all alone at the same time. I love watching people, seeing the differences and similarities that we all share.
We are not alone. We humans are attached by emotion - deep down, we share emotional experiences. I love the feeling of being connected with everyone else - both in the city and the world around me. It makes it easier, on days like today, to feel compassion for myself, as I allow myself to feel compassion for others.
Feeling compassion for myself isn't easy some days. It's far too easy to focus on my (many) shortcomings. But I am trying. I am making small efforts toward moving forward.
But I digress.
Spending time out alone in the city reminded me of the fact that, deep down, I will always be a city girl. I love the sights and sounds of the city. I love the pigeons and the roar of the buses and the honking of impatient drivers. I love the energy of the city - I feed off it.
It reminds me of what there is to live for.
Yet here I am.
Here I am, and I love it. I am thriving here. I am a people person and I love being surrounded by people. I love the fact that I can be both surrounded by people, and all alone at the same time. I love watching people, seeing the differences and similarities that we all share.
We are not alone. We humans are attached by emotion - deep down, we share emotional experiences. I love the feeling of being connected with everyone else - both in the city and the world around me. It makes it easier, on days like today, to feel compassion for myself, as I allow myself to feel compassion for others.
Feeling compassion for myself isn't easy some days. It's far too easy to focus on my (many) shortcomings. But I am trying. I am making small efforts toward moving forward.
But I digress.
Spending time out alone in the city reminded me of the fact that, deep down, I will always be a city girl. I love the sights and sounds of the city. I love the pigeons and the roar of the buses and the honking of impatient drivers. I love the energy of the city - I feed off it.
It reminds me of what there is to live for.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Forgiveness
Forgiveness is one of those things that's difficult for a lot of people to understand. I'll admit that it's something that I personally had/have trouble with as well.
I used to think that by forgiving someone, it meant saying, "It's okay what you did to me." I mean, how many of us have been trained, when someone says, "I'm sorry" to respond with "that's okay"? I have retrained myself to say "that's okay" only when it truly is okay. Other times, when someone hurts me and apologize, I simply say "thank you".
I believe that forgiveness, particularly when it comes to the big issues in life, should be about the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness of this type means, "I'm not going to harbour any bad feelings toward you. I am letting go...and I am doing this for me." To truly forgive someone means that you are no longer allowing those negative feelings to control you. Forgiveness is about letting go of all the hurt and moving forward, into the light.
I have suffered significant hurts in my life. Some more recent than others. I am no longer holding on to the anger and hurt from these events -- it serves no useful purpose to do so. I forgive those who have hurt me. I am moving forward with my life.
The only thing I do find interesting in all of this is that if I'm able to forgive others...why do I have such a difficult time forgiving myself? I am my own harshest critic. I observe myself - my thoughts, words, and actions, and pass judgment on myself more harshly than I would any of my loved ones.
I guess that's the problem, really. I don't appear on my list of "loved ones". I know that I have to rectify that, in order to move on with my life and be a happier person.
Some days I can see happiness...just over the horizon, just out of reach. I truly hope that I will make it there one day.
I used to think that by forgiving someone, it meant saying, "It's okay what you did to me." I mean, how many of us have been trained, when someone says, "I'm sorry" to respond with "that's okay"? I have retrained myself to say "that's okay" only when it truly is okay. Other times, when someone hurts me and apologize, I simply say "thank you".
I believe that forgiveness, particularly when it comes to the big issues in life, should be about the person doing the forgiving. Forgiveness of this type means, "I'm not going to harbour any bad feelings toward you. I am letting go...and I am doing this for me." To truly forgive someone means that you are no longer allowing those negative feelings to control you. Forgiveness is about letting go of all the hurt and moving forward, into the light.
I have suffered significant hurts in my life. Some more recent than others. I am no longer holding on to the anger and hurt from these events -- it serves no useful purpose to do so. I forgive those who have hurt me. I am moving forward with my life.
The only thing I do find interesting in all of this is that if I'm able to forgive others...why do I have such a difficult time forgiving myself? I am my own harshest critic. I observe myself - my thoughts, words, and actions, and pass judgment on myself more harshly than I would any of my loved ones.
I guess that's the problem, really. I don't appear on my list of "loved ones". I know that I have to rectify that, in order to move on with my life and be a happier person.
Some days I can see happiness...just over the horizon, just out of reach. I truly hope that I will make it there one day.
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