The Quiet

Vacation quiet was good. I was able to get alone a couple of times, and go running in the nearby park. Both times were intense...I found myself overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions....to the point where I thought I was going to fly apart into a million pieces.

I'm not sure if that's a good feeling or a bad one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need more running. I've been having a hard time getting myself out there these past couple of months...all because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. There's simply too much to think about. I do know, however, that the only way to sort through the garbage is to go running and sort through it...but it's such a scary thought to me right now.

I don't know that I necessarily got a lot sorted out this week. I had a difficult time opening up to people, talking about my 'stuff'. I guess I always end up feeling like I don't have a right to feel what I feel, that everyone is tired of hearing me whine. I have an inner drill sergeant that tells me to "just suck it up and deal with it!!!" which comes in mighty handy when running a marathon but isn't so great when it comes to being honest with my feelings and working through what I need to work through in order to be a whole person again.

This morning is quiet again. Chris took the girls out to playgroup this morning and I'm left with the daunting task of preparing for Miss Molly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow. I've got so much left to do that I'm not even sure where to start. Classic Kelly. Leave it all go until the last minute and then work like a madwoman and completely stress out getting it done.

I guess that's a pretty good distraction from thinking about how shitty I still feel.

Vacation!

Less than 5 hours until we are on the road.

I am so happy right now.

Yeah, it's a little intimidating, to have all of the practical considerations of life removed for a few days, leaving me with nothing but time. I've got a lot of things swirling around in my head. I'm sincerely hoping that a few days immersed in quiet will allow me to sort some of this out. I'm not expecting any miracles, but I'm certainly hoping that I'll return home feeling a little more 'sorted out' than I currently am.

And if I'm not, oh well. At least I'll be a little better rested.

Being Present

I can feel it building - the apprehension that I always feel right before we go away on our annual Retreat. While I welcome the break from "real life" - no television, no phone, no computer - part of me always feels nervous about not having those distractions around. The conditions force me to be present. Ultimately, it's a good thing, but part of me always almost dreads it before we go.

There is nowhere to hide.

I have a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual 'crap' that I am processing lately. It's a lot of work. I still have a long, long way to go before I'm "all better" -- completely healed. It's possible that I'll never be, I don't know. It's good to sometimes be forced to face those issues; it's all too easy to run away from them sometimes, to sink into a website or call someone or veg out in front of a movie. I won't have those options available to me for 5 days.

It's a scary prospect.

Scary, but exciting at the same time.

Procrastination

Yes, I know I've told y'all this before - I am a HUGE procrastinator. I'm not proud of this fact, it's simply one of those things about me. I'm not sure where it comes from, exactly. Maybe it's my self-destructive tendencies. Maybe it's a method of distraction. Could it be that I'm just lazy?
More likely it's a mix of all of those things.

On Sunday we leave to go away to a nice little country inn with a big group of friends. We do this every year, and it's wonderful. We get away from the city, bond, have fun, relax, communicate...it's great. I've been craving this vacation since Christmas. With recent events in my life being what they are, this is something that I desperately need. I need a break from "everyday life" so that I can focus a little more on what's really important in my life right now -- which is feeling like a whole and complete person.

I've been procrastinating all week long. I have a million and one things to do before Sunday morning. Yesterday afternoon, instead of making lists, cleaning, packing, or doing any number of other preparations, I spent the afternoon playing dress-up with the girls. When Chris arrived home from class, he found me in a huge afro, with a crown on my head, dressed in a yellow gown.

No, I didn't get any packing done, but the girls and I had a lot more fun. Isn't that what life is all about anyhow?

The packing and preparing will get done, one way or another. The great thing about us procrastinators is that we're GREAT at pulling last-minute miracles out of our asses.

Getaway

Next week, for two days and two nights, I will be staying at a girlfriend's apartment, alone, while she is out of town. I am SO looking forward to this.

I loved having my Rancho Relaxo back at the end of the summer. My little lakeside cottage all to myself to just rest, relax, write...it was just what I needed. This time, although I will still be getting lots of time to myself, will be more about getting out and having fun with other people. I am an extrovert at heart and while I do need to time to myself, I much prefer being surrounded by action, in the company of others.

I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful husband who is so willing to let me have this time to myself. I'm glad that he's able to see that getting this time means that, ultimately, I am a better wife and mother because of it. Everyone needs a vacation, even us stay at home moms. Actually, we probably need it more than anyone, because we get it so very rarely.

It will be a good mix of quiet, self-reflection, and hanging out with friends and having fun. For two days and nights I'm not going to be a mommy, I am simply going to be Kelly.

I can hardly wait.