Facing Emotions

Facing my emotions has always been difficult for me. I don't particularly think that I'm alone in this - I see lots of people, know lots of people, who aren't able to face up to what's going on inside of them, for whatever reason. I think that our society full of workaholics, shopaholics, compulsive eaters, drug addicts, alcoholics, porn addicts, anorexics and bulimics, and internet addicts is proof enough of this.

When I was in the darkest part of my eating disorder days I was completely out of touch with my emotions. After all, that's what eating disorders are ultimately about. They may start out as a desire to look better, to fit into society's ideals, but they quickly morph into a twisted coping mechanism when life becomes difficult. Eating disorders are as much of an addiction as workaholism and drugs - they are about numbing yourself from the pain and the reality of your life.

These days, I am a lot more in touch with what I'm feeling than I've probably ever been. And let me just say, it sucks. Big time. Life was a helluva lot simpler when I could just bury my head in counting calories and weighing myself and restricting my food intake. Sure, those things hurt me, too, but the physical and mental torture were nothing compared to the emotional pain involved with actually feeling the feelings.

I've been hurting a lot lately, processing a lot of things. I am learning to accept that hurting is a part of life, unavoidable. If we never hurt, then that means that we're not out there living, we're merely getting by. Is life about just getting by? Hell no! Life is about getting out there, loving people, loving ourselves, experiencing fun and beauty, having fun, gaining experiences, learning more. Without feeling our emotions, and dealing with them as they come, then there is no point to life.

I'm suddenly reminded of that REM song, "Everybody Hurts". Everybody does hurt. Just face up to it. Feel the emotions. You're not going to fly into a million pieces or completely implode. Feel it. Hurt. Pick up the pieces. Put yourself back together. Learn. Move on. Hopefully do better next time. It's what life is about. Sure, some days really suck. But the alternative is a whole lot worse.