The Run

I did it. The long run. Sadly, not nearly as long as I wanted. It ended up only being 13 k - I was hoping for at least 15. But considering how little I've run these past 4 months or so, I think I'll just be satisfied with what I managed with relative ease.

I was surprised by how well it went this morning. I wasn't overwhelmed. I felt calm and centered. Thoughts came in, emotions crept up, memories knocked at the door. I didn't fight them. I acknowledged everything. I didn't crumble. I didn't stumble. I didn't fall apart. If the emotions welled up a little too much, I simply pushed myself a bit harder, focusing on the physical sensation. I even reached the 'sweet spot' that I desire so much - when my body just takes over and it's like I can run forever. I'd kinda forgotten about that feeling. (!!) By the time I reached that place this morning, I'd already sifted through a lot of the mental garbage. I let my thoughts flow as my body did what it does best. It's so reassuring to know that even after all this time, my body still instinctually knows what to do.

And now I'm enjoying the post-run glow. I'd forgotten about that, too - the flow of energy, the mental calm, the feeling that all is right with the world.

I'm so glad that I was able to push past all my fears and get out there and do this for myself. It's making all the difference. Not every day is going to be as good as today, but I can live with that. They're not all meant to be gems.

I'm going to be okay. I finally, finally, finally feel this.

Tomorrow's Plan

My plan for tomorrow morning is to get up bright and early and go for a nice long run. I haven't gone on a long run in months. I've been so afraid lately...afraid to be alone with myself, my thoughts, my memories.

I finally feel ready to face them.

I'm posting my plan here so that hopefully it will prevent me from backing out. I need this. I need to run. I need to allow the thoughts and the emotions to wash over me, and know that I'm not going to crumble. I will listen to my breathing and hear the birds singing and remind myself what it feels like to be alive, and all of the wonderful reasons that I have for living. I will turn my face up to the sun and drink in the glorious morning.

If I feel afraid, I will remind myself that fear won't hurt me. If I feel sad, I will tell myself that sadness won't destroy me. If I feel anger, I will let it in only long enough to let it see that I'm ready for it to move on.

I am ready for it.

De-Cluttering

Chris and I are still on our de-cluttering kick. Granted, we haven't made a lot of progress in this area, what with everything that I've been dealing with these last few months. But we've made a vow to get back to it and start making progress again. The areas where we have de-cluttered and organized (our bedroom, the girl's room, playroom), are so much more pleasant and easy to manage. I need more of that general feel in the whole rest of my life.

Ironically, I need to do some emotional de-cluttering, too. That, however, is going to take considerably more time. If only it were as easy as making three piles - one to keep, one to throw away, one to donate.

"Okay, let's see. The pain from my childhood? Nobody needs that - we'll put that in the 'throw away' pile. The guilt I have from recent life events? Donate. Somebody might be able to put that guilt to good use in their life. The joy I have from being with my family? Definitely a keeper."

Yeah...emotional de-cluttering. I like that.

Roller Coaster

Today has been one of those roller coaster kind of days. I woke up feeling great...better than I have in months, in fact. It lasted a good part of today. But now, tonight, as I write this, I can feel the happiness slipping away. The downward slide is happening.

It was in my grasp for such a short while.

Maybe it's all just inevitable.

Mama's Thoughts

It's so hard being a parent sometimes. As prepared as I believed myself to be for motherhood,the harsh truth is that I didn't know crap. The older I get, the older my girls get, the more I'm able to see that.

The most difficult part of parenting, for me, is the emotional stuff. Teaching my girls how to be emotionally responsible, healthy people. It's sad to say, but when it comes to this kind of thing, I'm feeling around blindly in the dark - because it's not something that was ever taught to me. I have to make this stuff up as I go along. Thanks again, mom.

I think I'd feel a lot better about the process if I felt, even a little bit, like I had my own crap together. Maybe if I were a little wiser, a little more emotionally stable, this might come to me a lot easier, I don't know. It's hard to teach my girls good boundaries when that's something I still struggle with myself. It's had to teach my girls healthy coping mechanisms when I spent the majority of my life either binging or starving or overexercising my emotions away. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning this stuff right along with them.

I guess the one thing that I can teach my girls is that mistakes happen. Mistakes happen to us all, and we have the power to choose to learn from those mistakes, or use them as just another excuse to wallow in misery. 'Cuz that's pretty much all I know from personal experience right now. Hopefully, I'll know more in years to come.

Sometimes I look at those wonderful little girls of mine and I feel almost overwhelmed by fear. Already I'm afraid of the first time their hearts get broken. Of all the suffering that they will inevitably be met with in their lives. The fear is so gripping that I just want to grab them up and hug them close and never let them go.

Another hard part of being a mom is accepting that you can't protect those wonderful little creatures forever. Some day, sooner than I'd like to think about, they will be turned out into the world and left to fend for themselves. My success (or failure) as a mother will determine how well they are able to handle themselves in this scary world.

I worry that I'm failing them, not doing a good enough job.

The worst part is that I won't know until it's too late.

Me...in Cupcake Form

So here is a wonderful cupcake from a certain 4 year old's "Sock Puppet Birthday Party". This was one of the "rejects", but as soon as I saw him, I knew I had to bring him home with me. The look on his face so accurately sums up how I've been feeling this last while. Frightened, worried, depressed, uncertain about life...without knowing how to make it all stop.

I don't know whether to eat him or preserve him forever.

A Reward

I pushed myself out the door this morning. After a long talk with Chris yesterday, and a huge pep talk to myself last night, I decided that I can't let how I'm currently feeling hold me back from something that is ultimately very, very good for me. Running is a part of who I am...and I can not deny it. I can't take it away from myself as some sort of a punishment for my mistakes in life...I am punishing myself enough. I need to let some joy in once and a while, too.

So I made it out the door this morning. It was a great day for running - the sidewalks were clear, it was not too cold...ah...

I got less than two blocks when I heard it -- a bird. Now, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I'm terrified of birds most days, but there's something about the sound of birds singing while I'm out running that really puts joy into my heart. I can't remember hearing that sound in a long while, not since early last fall. I smiled a little smile and kept on going.

I looped around and got to the top of the hill, and there it was -- the sunrise. A glorious, golden-cloud, pink-sky sunrise. I haven't seen one of those in months, either. And yet, there it was. I felt my heart fill up with even more joy, and pressed onward.

I won't lie and say that today's run was an easy one. It wasn't. I still found myself bombarded with memories. I did my best to sort through them as best I could. I even found my mind eventually wandering off to happier thoughts.

Today I am feeling better. I will get there. It's just going to take some time.

Today's Thoughts

I have managed to get out and hit the streets two days in a row for two pathetically short runs. I suppose something is better than nothing, but I've got to confess that I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now. Not just with my running, but with life itself.

Running used to be such a mental and emotional release for me. These days it seems like every time I get out there I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and emotions. My body hurts from running because it feels like I'm out there carrying the entire weight of the world on my back as I do it. The 5k I ran this morning felt harder than last year's marathon.

I desperately want to shake off the negativity, the emotions, the memories, and everything else that is weighing me down...but I'm not sure how to do it. I want to find the joy in the small moments of life again but that seems to be lost in me, too. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something good to happen in my life so I can forget about the bad, if even just for a little while.

Most days there's not enough good to push out the bad. I know it probably won't always be this way, but damn, this sucks.

Being "in the moment"

Being in the moment is something that I am working hard on, but to be honest, I haven't been doing a particularly good job at it the last few months or so. I have been finding myself escaping from the present moment more and more...to the point where I sometimes don't hear people when they talk directly to me. My mind goes off in one direction while my body goes another. It's not a good situation.

I am trying to remedy this. This, however, is pretty damned difficult. Today I took the girls shopping at the mall for a while, and then to Walmart. They really weren't in the mood for shopping - I must have said Emma's name 200 times, easily, looking for her because she'd run off, calling for her to catch up, or speaking to her for not listening. Molly was feeling particularly whiny and wanting very much to keep up with her big sister. Add to this the fact that I personally hate mall shopping and really didn't want to be there all that much myself.

I was exhausted after we'd been in the mall for 10 minutes. Emma wasn't listening, Molly was whining, and I found myself wishing I were someplace else. Then I reminded myself of my goal to live more in the moment. I took a deep breath. I made an effort to keep my voice level and my patience intact. I lived in the moments as they came to me.

Let me just say, it was NOT easy. It would have been a whole lot easier to let my kids run amok and mentally transport myself to another space-time continuum. But I stayed with it. And I survived.

I can't exactly say that I felt joyful, but I was there, in that moment, feeling and experiencing all of it as it came, and that's the important part.

Facing Emotions

Facing my emotions has always been difficult for me. I don't particularly think that I'm alone in this - I see lots of people, know lots of people, who aren't able to face up to what's going on inside of them, for whatever reason. I think that our society full of workaholics, shopaholics, compulsive eaters, drug addicts, alcoholics, porn addicts, anorexics and bulimics, and internet addicts is proof enough of this.

When I was in the darkest part of my eating disorder days I was completely out of touch with my emotions. After all, that's what eating disorders are ultimately about. They may start out as a desire to look better, to fit into society's ideals, but they quickly morph into a twisted coping mechanism when life becomes difficult. Eating disorders are as much of an addiction as workaholism and drugs - they are about numbing yourself from the pain and the reality of your life.

These days, I am a lot more in touch with what I'm feeling than I've probably ever been. And let me just say, it sucks. Big time. Life was a helluva lot simpler when I could just bury my head in counting calories and weighing myself and restricting my food intake. Sure, those things hurt me, too, but the physical and mental torture were nothing compared to the emotional pain involved with actually feeling the feelings.

I've been hurting a lot lately, processing a lot of things. I am learning to accept that hurting is a part of life, unavoidable. If we never hurt, then that means that we're not out there living, we're merely getting by. Is life about just getting by? Hell no! Life is about getting out there, loving people, loving ourselves, experiencing fun and beauty, having fun, gaining experiences, learning more. Without feeling our emotions, and dealing with them as they come, then there is no point to life.

I'm suddenly reminded of that REM song, "Everybody Hurts". Everybody does hurt. Just face up to it. Feel the emotions. You're not going to fly into a million pieces or completely implode. Feel it. Hurt. Pick up the pieces. Put yourself back together. Learn. Move on. Hopefully do better next time. It's what life is about. Sure, some days really suck. But the alternative is a whole lot worse.