It's amazing to me how things can look so bleak sometimes.

I am at a point these days where I'm no longer sure which direction I need to go in. I'm trying hard not to force anything, to just let myself be. It will come to me, if I am gentle and patient with myself, if I try not to rush. Some things, particularly healing, can not be rushed. I've gotta do this right this time. I'm not going to get a second chance to screw things up this royally.

My emotions continue to run high. I have moments, little glimpses, where I feel "normal" - happy and content. I have other moments that feel as though my whole life is closing in on me and I'm completely panicked. And there is every conceivable emotion in between. I can switch from one to another with little to no warning, often without any control over it. I was out with friends last night, and at one point giggling hysterically. Had I allowed myself, I could have easily gone from hysterical laughing to hysterical sobbing. Fortunately for me and everyone around me, I managed to hold myself together. I have cried at least once every single day for the past 3 weeks. I have been told that tears are cleansing, and that I should be grateful for the fact that I'm actually feeling my emotions. I feel shitty because shitty things have happened. It's okay to feel shitty sometimes.

Hm. Makes sense.

Makes sense, still sucks. Like so many things these days.

I'm trying hard not to judge the feelings as good or bad - they simply are. Understanding them and feeling them are all a part of the process. Again - makes sense, but still sucks.

The good news is that it's not going to suck forever. As shitty as I feel right now, at least I have that to hold on to.