5:30 am

I went to bed last night, late, after having laid out my running clothes and setting my internal alarm for 5:30 am. It's been a long time - months - since I've greeting the early morning with a smile, had some quiet time, and went out for a run.

I had a bad night's sleep. Too many things on my mind.

I woke up and looked at the clock. Sure enough - 5:32 am. I laid there for a moment, wanting desperately to just drift back off to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. But then I remembered my promise to myself. I have been letting myself down too much in the last couple of months. I haven't been allowing myself joy. I haven't been doing the things that I need to be doing in order to feel good, human.

I peeled myself out of bed. Dressed. Came downstairs, shivering. Fired up the computer to do my usual checks - email, facebook, the weather. -16 with the windchill. I haven't been out running in those kinds of temperatures all winter long. I've used that as my convenient excuse for not running, when the truth of the matter is that I've been too afraid. Too afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I bundled up and went out there this morning. It was a dark and glorious morning. The wind in my face was crisp, biting at my cheeks. I took a long, slow deep breath.

And I smiled.

I could allow myself to regret these past few months of denying myself such a wonderful part of my life. Instead, I'm going to try and look at it like I simply needed a break. It's good to allow ourselves that when we really need it. And boy, I needed it.

Today I once again felt the calmness of the early morning. I listened to the quiet sounds of the city not yet waking up. I didn't worry about turning off my brain, or being overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. I simply allowed them to just...be. It's okay. They're not going to destroy me.

It was a brief run this morning, around 5-k or so, but that's alright. I need to work back to this slowly. The important part for me is that I enjoyed the morning. I felt, even just for a brief while, like me again.

As I turned the corner this morning, heading back toward home, I looked down the hill and saw the sky just starting to light up. A beautiful pale orange all along the horizon. And that's when I knew it...believed it...for the first time in a long, long time.

I am going to be okay.

I'm not there...yet. But I will get there.

Orange Sky

My new favourite song....passed on to me by my niece. Since I don't have television I am completely out of the loop, and am just finding out that this song has been used in more than a dozen television shows and movies over the last couple of years. Take a listen, and you'll understand why.

It makes me happy.

I need....

I need to run. I need to run until my body becomes numb and my brain zones out. I need to run into the morning and forget about everything that is weighing me down.

Intellectually, I know that the healing process takes time. Emotionally, I am already tired of all the work...and I know that there is so much more to come. This is only the beginning.

I haven't been running lately. Too many negative associations, too many times when running was about running away from something...trying to run away from the person that I was. I don't want to be that person any more. She made a lot of mistakes, she screwed up things in so many ways.

I need to remember why running is good for me, why I love it so much. It's hard to do that. It's hard to do things that are good for me these days.

It's hard to love myself...particularly since I'm not sure if I ever have....

More Darkness

The darkness settles in sometimes when I least expect it, like yesterday while I was getting ready for Molly's birthday party. I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain so I didn't have to feel sometimes.

Then again, looking for that switch was what got me to this place to begin with.

I managed to squeeze out the darkness for the sake of my 3 year old. What really makes me sad is that I'll always look back on this day and remember how shitty I felt while I had a big smile plastered on my face. I will always wonder if she felt my sadness and self-loathing seeping into the day.

I'm feeling impatient with myself. I want all of this behind me. I want it to be over. I want to wake up in the morning and feel light and content and full of joy. I felt that way once...shouldn't it still be in there, somewhere?

I just don't know where to find it anymore. Some days, like yesterday, I lack even the strength to look for it.

The Quiet

Vacation quiet was good. I was able to get alone a couple of times, and go running in the nearby park. Both times were intense...I found myself overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions....to the point where I thought I was going to fly apart into a million pieces.

I'm not sure if that's a good feeling or a bad one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need more running. I've been having a hard time getting myself out there these past couple of months...all because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. There's simply too much to think about. I do know, however, that the only way to sort through the garbage is to go running and sort through it...but it's such a scary thought to me right now.

I don't know that I necessarily got a lot sorted out this week. I had a difficult time opening up to people, talking about my 'stuff'. I guess I always end up feeling like I don't have a right to feel what I feel, that everyone is tired of hearing me whine. I have an inner drill sergeant that tells me to "just suck it up and deal with it!!!" which comes in mighty handy when running a marathon but isn't so great when it comes to being honest with my feelings and working through what I need to work through in order to be a whole person again.

This morning is quiet again. Chris took the girls out to playgroup this morning and I'm left with the daunting task of preparing for Miss Molly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow. I've got so much left to do that I'm not even sure where to start. Classic Kelly. Leave it all go until the last minute and then work like a madwoman and completely stress out getting it done.

I guess that's a pretty good distraction from thinking about how shitty I still feel.

Vacation!

Less than 5 hours until we are on the road.

I am so happy right now.

Yeah, it's a little intimidating, to have all of the practical considerations of life removed for a few days, leaving me with nothing but time. I've got a lot of things swirling around in my head. I'm sincerely hoping that a few days immersed in quiet will allow me to sort some of this out. I'm not expecting any miracles, but I'm certainly hoping that I'll return home feeling a little more 'sorted out' than I currently am.

And if I'm not, oh well. At least I'll be a little better rested.

Being Present

I can feel it building - the apprehension that I always feel right before we go away on our annual Retreat. While I welcome the break from "real life" - no television, no phone, no computer - part of me always feels nervous about not having those distractions around. The conditions force me to be present. Ultimately, it's a good thing, but part of me always almost dreads it before we go.

There is nowhere to hide.

I have a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual 'crap' that I am processing lately. It's a lot of work. I still have a long, long way to go before I'm "all better" -- completely healed. It's possible that I'll never be, I don't know. It's good to sometimes be forced to face those issues; it's all too easy to run away from them sometimes, to sink into a website or call someone or veg out in front of a movie. I won't have those options available to me for 5 days.

It's a scary prospect.

Scary, but exciting at the same time.

Procrastination

Yes, I know I've told y'all this before - I am a HUGE procrastinator. I'm not proud of this fact, it's simply one of those things about me. I'm not sure where it comes from, exactly. Maybe it's my self-destructive tendencies. Maybe it's a method of distraction. Could it be that I'm just lazy?
More likely it's a mix of all of those things.

On Sunday we leave to go away to a nice little country inn with a big group of friends. We do this every year, and it's wonderful. We get away from the city, bond, have fun, relax, communicate...it's great. I've been craving this vacation since Christmas. With recent events in my life being what they are, this is something that I desperately need. I need a break from "everyday life" so that I can focus a little more on what's really important in my life right now -- which is feeling like a whole and complete person.

I've been procrastinating all week long. I have a million and one things to do before Sunday morning. Yesterday afternoon, instead of making lists, cleaning, packing, or doing any number of other preparations, I spent the afternoon playing dress-up with the girls. When Chris arrived home from class, he found me in a huge afro, with a crown on my head, dressed in a yellow gown.

No, I didn't get any packing done, but the girls and I had a lot more fun. Isn't that what life is all about anyhow?

The packing and preparing will get done, one way or another. The great thing about us procrastinators is that we're GREAT at pulling last-minute miracles out of our asses.

Anger

As I am working on this journey toward healing, the last few days I have had a lot of anger surface. Not anger because of recent events in my life...but anger from my childhood, mostly, when the seeds were planted that led me to be the person that I am today, fraught with so many problems and issues.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning in them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, we've all got problems and issues. It just seems that mine were allowed to really get in the way of me exploring (and reaching) my potential as a human being. To the point where I damaged myself and others around me. Possibly forever.

As I'm sifting through all of the mental and emotional garbage that I've accumulated over the last 33 years, I'm realizing that I have a lot of things to be angry about. I'm not looking to shift blame here - after all, I'm an adult now, and I realize that only I am responsible for the choices that I make. I get that.

But I'm still allowed to be angry at the people and the situations that shaped me into this person with poor coping skills and inaccurate views of life and self.

I know that I have to allow myself to feel the anger so that I can move past it. And right now, I'm there, baby....I'm not holding anything back.

Making the Choice

So I've been thinking a lot more about this whole 'choosing self-love' option that's out there. I realize that I've been expecting that I was going to suddenly wake up one morning and just love myself.

It just doesn't work that way.

I'm thinking that for someone like me, learning to love myself is a lot like recovering from an eating disorder. You don't just wake up one morning and the urge to abuse one's body with food (or a lack of it) is suddenly gone. It takes work...effort. Two steps forward, one step back. Some days are golden, others are like walking through a mud pit that is slowly filling up around you. However, the beauty of it is, every day, no matter if it is a "good" day, or a "bad" one, teaches you more about yourself and the process.

I'm thinking that the journey toward self-love is much the same way. It's not going to be like flipping on a switch. This is something that I am going to have to fight for, if it's something that I really and truly want.

Do I want it? Yes! Even though this scares the ever-livin' CRAP outta me, this is something that I very much want to achieve.

Wow. It's hard even admitting that.

The fear is good. It lets me know that this is something that I really do need to do....

If Love is a Choice....

...and it applies to our relationships with others, then I have no choice but to admit that it applies to self-love as well.

Maybe even more to self-love than any other kind, in fact.

That's a scary concept to someone who was taught, and lived her whole life believing that self-love and narcissism were pretty much the same thing.

Self-love isn't something that just happens out of nowhere. It's not a state that's achieved once one finally crosses all the necessary items off his or her "to do" list. It's a decision...or rather, a series of many little decisions over the course of a lifetime. I can either decide to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, or I can decide to love and forgive myself, flaws and all, and conduct myself accordingly.

So what happens if I do? What happens if I finally, once and for all, make the conscious decision to love myself?

I have no idea. Right now that thought is a little too scary for me to fully process.

Love is a Choice

I've been turning this concept over in my mind a lot this morning - Love is a Choice.

I read someone's opinion this morning that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. I disagree with that completely. Lust is a chemical reaction, definitely. And I think that far too many people confuse lust with love.

Lust - those initial feelings in the beginning of the relationship - the feelings that make you want to be around that person all the time. It's like a drug. Of course it's a great feeling. I think that most relationships start off that way, and really, they need to. It's what attracts two people, brings them together in the first place. It ensures continuation of the species.

Then, there is love. Love develops and deepens over time. It doesn't happen overnight, despite what the books and movies would have you believe. Love isn't a feeling or a word, as most people believe. It is a verb - an action word. It requires work. I firmly believe that the couples who stay together their whole lives make the decision to do so. It's not that their relationships are so much greater than anyone else's. Hell, we've ALL got problems and issues to work through -- otherwise, we wouldn't be human. The difference between a relationship that lasts, and one that doesn't, is the willingness of the partners involved to work through the crap that gets dredged to the surface. And make no mistake - it WILL happen eventually.

I'm not saying this in judgment of anyone. Obviously, this is something that BOTH people have to commit to. And that's not always the case. This particular road is a hell of lot of work. It's not for the easily exhausted. Sometimes, other factors get in the way, other things take priority. That's just the way that it is sometimes.

But I do believe that the divorce rate would go down dramatically if couples simply made the daily decision to love their partner unconditionally, and no matter what. I strongly believe that couples who do that, can make it through anything.

Am I little bit optimistic? Maybe. So far it's gotten me through 10 years and a whole helluva lot of issues and screw ups...big ones, even. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that I am making the commitment to love my husband through whatever life throws my way.

Frozen

Right now, the only word for how I'm feeling is "frozen". I've been working so hard on healing, trying so hard to work toward being a whole and complete person...the person that I want to be. But suddenly I am feeling stuck, like there is no where for me to go. I know that I can't force any of this, but I just feel so utterly lost.

Lost and lonely.

What I really need is a break, but I can't escape myself, the inner workings of my mind, the ache in my heart, or the gaping hole in the pit of my stomach.

I don't know where to go, but all I know is that I can't stay here...

My Wish For Everyone...

May we all come to the place where we accept that we make mistakes...and that makes us not only human, but beautiful.

Because we can not truly know joy unless we have sorrow to compare it to.

And sorrow is a damn good motivation toward true healing.

***

I have written a lot lately about recent mistakes I have made in my life. I am working hard toward forgiveness of myself, toward learning from all that there is to learn from these mistakes, and doing better next time. I'm a firm believer that we've all got to screw up now and again - it reminds us that we're human, it gives us something to improve upon, it has the potential to teach us much about the world and ourselves.

I could spend my life being sorry for the mistakes I've made. But just being sorry isn't enough, is it? Sorry is just a word, an abstract concept. The only way to show that I'm sorry, is through my actions. Through learning and coming out of this a better person for it.

Do I regret my mistakes? Only sometimes. I regret hurting, and others being hurt, definitely. But I know that without my mistakes, I have little opportunity to grow and learn. And I have done more of both in the last month or so than I have in a very, very long time.

"What Others Think of Me is None of My Business"

For the last at least five years I've been thinking (and talking) about getting my nose pierced. Chris has been totally supportive of this (though if he'd had his way, it would have been my bellybutton... ;)

Every once in a while the subject of my nose piercing has come up. My main reason for chickening out, each and every time, had nothing to do with the pain of actually having it done. It had to do with my concern over how others would perceive me with a nose ring. I'm not just talking about my friends or family - I'm also talking about 'them' - acquaintances, potential friends, the cashier at the grocery store. I worried that something as simple as a nose ring might colour others' opinion of me.

I heard a great quote this week by Wayne Dyer (this is for you, Laura!!): "What others think of me is none of my business."

This really hit home for me. I've spent so much of my life worrying about being judged by other people, and working so damn hard to ensure that their judgment was a good one. It's an exhausting way to live. The truth is that no matter what I do, I can't control how others choose to look at me. Nose piercing or not, some people are going to judge me negatively, others positively, and still others, not at all.

None of my business.

The most important person whose perception I need to worry about is me. I need to be happy an content with the choices that I make in life - big and small. Everything from being loyal to my husband to getting a nose ring and everything in between. Granted, I'm not always going to make the "right" choice - that's just something that happens in life. But again, that's mine to worry about - what other people think of my choices, good or bad, have nothing to do with me.

On Sunday night I got my nose pierced. It was great. I'll spare you all the gory details, other than to say that I got pierced by a nice guy named Eddie who was quiet and friendly and really put me at ease. I found out that, (in Eddie's words) I am "a bleeder"...but once the blood stopped gushing out of my right nostril, it was really just fine. WAY less painful than childbirth. And no itchy stitches afterwards. ;)

The best part is how much I grin at my reflection in the mirror. Now THERE is a woman who living life...and who made a decision that brings her happiness, without worrying about what other people think of her for it.

I'm so glad she talked me into finally going for it.

94 days to go

Sadly, running has fallen by the wayside a lot lately, and the marathon is a mere 94 days away.

Mostly it's been the weather that's prevented me.

Actually, that's complete bullshit. Mostly it's been my own dark mood that's been keeping me house-bound and away from running. My dark mood, and my fear.

Fear.

Yep. I'm scared shitless right now of spending that much time alone with my own thoughts. There's a lot of crap in there that I need to deal with, and running is one of those times when I can't push the thoughts away...I am simply left to face them, good or bad.

Ultimately, I know that my intense fear means, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is something that I should be doing. Doesn't actually make me want to do it, though....

It's amazing to me how things can look so bleak sometimes.

I am at a point these days where I'm no longer sure which direction I need to go in. I'm trying hard not to force anything, to just let myself be. It will come to me, if I am gentle and patient with myself, if I try not to rush. Some things, particularly healing, can not be rushed. I've gotta do this right this time. I'm not going to get a second chance to screw things up this royally.

My emotions continue to run high. I have moments, little glimpses, where I feel "normal" - happy and content. I have other moments that feel as though my whole life is closing in on me and I'm completely panicked. And there is every conceivable emotion in between. I can switch from one to another with little to no warning, often without any control over it. I was out with friends last night, and at one point giggling hysterically. Had I allowed myself, I could have easily gone from hysterical laughing to hysterical sobbing. Fortunately for me and everyone around me, I managed to hold myself together. I have cried at least once every single day for the past 3 weeks. I have been told that tears are cleansing, and that I should be grateful for the fact that I'm actually feeling my emotions. I feel shitty because shitty things have happened. It's okay to feel shitty sometimes.

Hm. Makes sense.

Makes sense, still sucks. Like so many things these days.

I'm trying hard not to judge the feelings as good or bad - they simply are. Understanding them and feeling them are all a part of the process. Again - makes sense, but still sucks.

The good news is that it's not going to suck forever. As shitty as I feel right now, at least I have that to hold on to.

Finding "Me"

I know that I am in there...somewhere.

I just need to make the time and effort to find me.

This morning while I was out there running (yes, Chris almost literally shoved me out the door,and for that I am grateful) I felt stronger and more confident than I have in a very long time. I felt a longing, deep down inside...it was "the real me", my true self, longing to come out.

I know that I need to listen to that longing....but for some reason, it scares the hell out of me. I have spent my whole life trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, and to finally trust what that inner voice is saying goes against everything I have ever believed about myself.

It is not going to happen overnight. I will need lots more shoves out the door. I will need to be quiet with myself and listen to that little voice...and nurture her so that she gets louder, more confident in herself. I need to push past the fear that I'm feeling, and learn how to trust the things that voice is telling me.

It won't be easy.

More Wanting

I want to run.

I want to strap on my iPod, lace up my shoes and hit the streets. I want to start out in the dark, quiet morning and run, with my music turned down low so that I can hear the gentle sounds of the early morning.

I want to run into the busier parts of town, with my music blaring, people hustling and bustling, me just another detail that is easily passed over as they rush off about their business - invisible.

I want to run down to the park, the sun just beginning to rise. I want to stand beside the ocean and watch the morning begin. I want to be there for a fresh beginning; a new day without any mistakes in it yet.

I want to run past the memories that haunt me. I want to run until my brain is numb and I can think of nothing else but propelling myself forward. I want to run until I no longer remember who I am and what I have done.

I want to run until I feel as though I cannot run another step, and then I want to run some more. I want to run until I am drenched with sweat, until my legs shake from the effort of holding me upright. I want to run until my body surrenders and I can do nothing but lie down and feel the sweet agony of complete and utter fatigue.

I want to run until I am no longer me...until I am nothing but an empty vessel that I can begin to fill up again - this time, with the good.

I want to run.

Sushi Night

For the past almost three years, Friday night has been Sushi Night for Chris and I. I make us sushi, we wait until the girls are in bed, and then we sit down to enjoy our meal in peace together and usually watch a movie. It's a nice little tradition, something to look forward to during the week.

Last night I made cucumber rolls for the first time in a while. When I took the first bite of cucumber, the fresh, crisp taste reminded me of when we first started our little tradition. I found my heart longing for spring -- a fresh beginning. I wished in that moment for the ability to travel in time, back to before I'd made so many mistakes, before my heart was filled with so much hurt and regret. I try hard to remain positive, and look for the lessons that life is offering me, but that is difficult to do sometimes.

We don't always make the right choices in life, that is a sad truth. But every choice, "good" or "bad", has the ability to teach us something...if we remain open to that possibility. That is the knowledge that I hug close to myself when my head hits the pillow every night.

That doesn't stop the tears...but it helps me to know that those tears are not in vain.