Gotta love my ability to set an "internal alarm clock". I went to bed telling myself 6:00 am. And indeed, by 6:05 this morning I was awake. Waking up this way is a helluva lot better than with an old-fashioned alarm clock ripping me from my dreams.
Today I have promised myself to go out into the world and look for the light. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months, with life in general. It's been rough. Not just for me, but for the people around me, too. I'm afraid I've been a bit of a black hole.
Although I've done as well as I could to be the best mother that I can throughout all of this, I'm afraid that the girls have suffered some. They have gotten less of me than they deserve and need. And it shows. They are a little more tentative, a little less sure of themselves. They end up coming in our bed/room before morning every single night. I think they've just been needing a little extra reassurance.
They are so wonderful. And they truly do deserve better than they've been getting. Today I start working on making that better. My hope is that I haven't done any irreparable damage.
Today I also start working on gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that I have. The little things. Instead of feeling frustration because I spend every night sandwiched between my hairy husband and a squirming toddler, I will feel grateful that I am loved this much. Instead of sighing when I'm asked to stop my housework to read a book or give some cuddles, I will enjoy a quiet moment with my daughters, knowing that they will only be little and will only need me like this for so long.
Not every day will be good, this I know. And I am okay with that. I can only live day to day. I cannot worry about tomorrow. I will take that as it comes.
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