One of the biggest challenges of parenting is putting aside my own issues in order to give better to my children.
Today was Emma's birthday, her special day, and I managed to get overwhelmed with something that I wasn't expecting. I worked really hard to roll up my issue, my anxiety, my hurt, my anger, and everything else I was feeling into a tight little ball and push it down as far as I could - so I could be the mommy that she deserved today.
I really wish that I'd had the luxury of curling up into a ball, shutting out the world, and just allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Instead I had to plaster on a fake grin, grit my teeth, and feign enthusiasm. Hopefully she was none the wiser.
My biggest fear is that someday she's going to think back on her 5th birthday and remember that mommy was upset and unhappy. I can only hope that she was so focused on herself, on what was going on around her, that she wasn't tuned into what *I* was feeling. And maybe some day I'll be able to make it up to her, for, once again, not being the mommy that I wanted to be.
I love my kids so much...and I'm working on being the mommy they need and deserve. It's not easy to do that when my problems get in the way.
I just hate that I have one more thing to add to my list of "reasons to feel guilty"....
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1 comment:
Ditch the guilt. It's not helping anyone, LEAST of all Emma. It was her 5th birthday, but it was also only one day in her life. The memory will only be hurtful if it's part of a lifelong pattern of her mother balling up her pain and tearing herself apart. Love, live, forgive. When you've come through the other side of this, you'll have something much better to give your girls than a brave face and a mechanical smile.
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