People

Today is one of those days when I'm having a difficult time having faith in humanity. On days like these, I feel a lot of anger toward humans -- we are all so selfish and we hurt each other so much sometimes.

It's days like these when I feel terrified for Emma and Molly - who have yet to see the worst of what people are capable of. I hope that they never will. The thought that some day someone will undoubtedly break their hearts, disappoint them, use them, damage them in some way, makes me want to lock them away and keep them safe forever. I am sure that these hurts are closer in their future than I can imagine.

Days like today mean that I have to work extra hard to remind myself why I like people so much....because most of the time, I do. I believe that human beings are capable of so much love and kindness and compassion. I believe that it's contagious - that if I go out into the world and spread my positive energy and light, then it will touch those around me and they, in turn, will go out and do the same.

Today, however, I am a black hole. I suck in all the light and don't let any of it escape. I am suspicious, mistrustful, and pessimistic. My anger at the human race is there because I am feeling so vulnerable - I am expecting the world to crush me at any moment. Maybe if I stay angry, no one will mess with me.

At least that way, the only one hurting me is myself.

Anger

As I am working on this journey toward healing, the last few days I have had a lot of anger surface. Not anger because of recent events in my life...but anger from my childhood, mostly, when the seeds were planted that led me to be the person that I am today, fraught with so many problems and issues.

Some days I feel like I'm drowning in them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, we've all got problems and issues. It just seems that mine were allowed to really get in the way of me exploring (and reaching) my potential as a human being. To the point where I damaged myself and others around me. Possibly forever.

As I'm sifting through all of the mental and emotional garbage that I've accumulated over the last 33 years, I'm realizing that I have a lot of things to be angry about. I'm not looking to shift blame here - after all, I'm an adult now, and I realize that only I am responsible for the choices that I make. I get that.

But I'm still allowed to be angry at the people and the situations that shaped me into this person with poor coping skills and inaccurate views of life and self.

I know that I have to allow myself to feel the anger so that I can move past it. And right now, I'm there, baby....I'm not holding anything back.