Looking for the Light

Gotta love my ability to set an "internal alarm clock". I went to bed telling myself 6:00 am. And indeed, by 6:05 this morning I was awake. Waking up this way is a helluva lot better than with an old-fashioned alarm clock ripping me from my dreams.

Today I have promised myself to go out into the world and look for the light. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months, with life in general. It's been rough. Not just for me, but for the people around me, too. I'm afraid I've been a bit of a black hole.

Although I've done as well as I could to be the best mother that I can throughout all of this, I'm afraid that the girls have suffered some. They have gotten less of me than they deserve and need. And it shows. They are a little more tentative, a little less sure of themselves. They end up coming in our bed/room before morning every single night. I think they've just been needing a little extra reassurance.

They are so wonderful. And they truly do deserve better than they've been getting. Today I start working on making that better. My hope is that I haven't done any irreparable damage.

Today I also start working on gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that I have. The little things. Instead of feeling frustration because I spend every night sandwiched between my hairy husband and a squirming toddler, I will feel grateful that I am loved this much. Instead of sighing when I'm asked to stop my housework to read a book or give some cuddles, I will enjoy a quiet moment with my daughters, knowing that they will only be little and will only need me like this for so long.

Not every day will be good, this I know. And I am okay with that. I can only live day to day. I cannot worry about tomorrow. I will take that as it comes.

Gratitude

I have so many blessings in my life. I have difficulty sometimes remembering that, I have a terrible tendency to take such things for granted.

Here are just a few of the many things I have to be grateful for in my life (in no particular order):

- my understanding, compassionate and loving husband
- my two wonderfully amazing daughters
- a community of friends unrivaled by any other group of people on the planet
- my family, certain family members in particular
- a comfortable home to live in
- enough food, enough money
- good health
- a cool new hoodie from Value Village with faux fur around the hood and HUGE pompoms!