Looking for the Light

Gotta love my ability to set an "internal alarm clock". I went to bed telling myself 6:00 am. And indeed, by 6:05 this morning I was awake. Waking up this way is a helluva lot better than with an old-fashioned alarm clock ripping me from my dreams.

Today I have promised myself to go out into the world and look for the light. I've been struggling a lot in the last few months, with life in general. It's been rough. Not just for me, but for the people around me, too. I'm afraid I've been a bit of a black hole.

Although I've done as well as I could to be the best mother that I can throughout all of this, I'm afraid that the girls have suffered some. They have gotten less of me than they deserve and need. And it shows. They are a little more tentative, a little less sure of themselves. They end up coming in our bed/room before morning every single night. I think they've just been needing a little extra reassurance.

They are so wonderful. And they truly do deserve better than they've been getting. Today I start working on making that better. My hope is that I haven't done any irreparable damage.

Today I also start working on gratitude. Gratitude for the blessings that I have. The little things. Instead of feeling frustration because I spend every night sandwiched between my hairy husband and a squirming toddler, I will feel grateful that I am loved this much. Instead of sighing when I'm asked to stop my housework to read a book or give some cuddles, I will enjoy a quiet moment with my daughters, knowing that they will only be little and will only need me like this for so long.

Not every day will be good, this I know. And I am okay with that. I can only live day to day. I cannot worry about tomorrow. I will take that as it comes.

Glorious Sun

I am so happy to see the sun shine today. Yeah, I wish it were a little warmer, but whatever. Spring is on it's way - that's what counts.

I had the morning off - my girlfriend and I trade off kid-watching every other week for our sanity's sake. So Chris and I met up at my favourite coffee shop to relax, chat, and flirt a little. It's so nice to get out and spend some time remembering that we're more than the people who make peanut butter and honey toast and wipe butts and noses and clean toilets together. We all need that from time to time.

We need another "real date" soon.

On the parenting front, it's been a busy and stressful few weeks. I've got my own "stuff" that I'm dealing with (and when I say "stuff" that's an understatement - more like a festering pile of doo-doo), and then to complicate things, the kids have been sick with this horrible cold that's been going around. They've been snotty, whiny, impatient, cranky...it's been very difficult remaining patient with them. And I will admit that I've lost my patience more than once with them in the last couple of weeks. It's hard for that not to happen sometimes, unfortunately.

Today I'm making a special effort to enjoy life. It's not easy many days, and I don't know if it's the sun shining or what, but at least for this day, it doesn't seem quite so bad.

I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

Contentment

It was a good Christmas. Despite the materialism, it's always so much fun to see the kids so happy and excited when they come downstairs and see the tree with the presents piled up around it (we always wait to put out our gifts on Christmas Eve after they are in bed asleep). Yes, they were a little bit spoiled but I guess that's just one of those things that happens.

Tomorrow I leave for my little "mini-vacation" - I will be staying at my girlfriend's fabulous downtown apartment all by myself. I plan to read, shop, relax, veg, do a little running, a little yoga, relax, see some friends. I get two whole days where I'm not a wife or a mommy and I only have to look after myself. I so need this.