It's SO hard....

One of the biggest challenges of parenting is putting aside my own issues in order to give better to my children.

Today was Emma's birthday, her special day, and I managed to get overwhelmed with something that I wasn't expecting. I worked really hard to roll up my issue, my anxiety, my hurt, my anger, and everything else I was feeling into a tight little ball and push it down as far as I could - so I could be the mommy that she deserved today.

I really wish that I'd had the luxury of curling up into a ball, shutting out the world, and just allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Instead I had to plaster on a fake grin, grit my teeth, and feign enthusiasm. Hopefully she was none the wiser.

My biggest fear is that someday she's going to think back on her 5th birthday and remember that mommy was upset and unhappy. I can only hope that she was so focused on herself, on what was going on around her, that she wasn't tuned into what *I* was feeling. And maybe some day I'll be able to make it up to her, for, once again, not being the mommy that I wanted to be.

I love my kids so much...and I'm working on being the mommy they need and deserve. It's not easy to do that when my problems get in the way.

I just hate that I have one more thing to add to my list of "reasons to feel guilty"....

Status Update -- for Chantel, and only because she asked.....

Too little sleep + too many emotions + 2 extra large cups of extra strong coffee + a miserable cold, rainy, windy day + walking to the grocery store without the proper raingear + two disobedient and rowdy children = ONE REALLY ROTTEN DAY.

Some positives from today:

1) I bumped into my neighbour at the grocery store who kindly offered to bring my groceries home. This meant I didn't have the extra 50 lbs in the stroller to push all the way home.

2) I had the foresight to wear my running shoes, which meant that I made it home even faster + I got a little extra exercise in there, too.

3) Chantel managed to get us tickets to see LEONARD COHEN!!!!! on May 13th. Happy Birthday to me!!!!!! :)


Overall, though, I'd have to give today two thumbs down. Some days are better off spent at home.

Roller Coaster

Today has been one of those roller coaster kind of days. I woke up feeling great...better than I have in months, in fact. It lasted a good part of today. But now, tonight, as I write this, I can feel the happiness slipping away. The downward slide is happening.

It was in my grasp for such a short while.

Maybe it's all just inevitable.

People

Today is one of those days when I'm having a difficult time having faith in humanity. On days like these, I feel a lot of anger toward humans -- we are all so selfish and we hurt each other so much sometimes.

It's days like these when I feel terrified for Emma and Molly - who have yet to see the worst of what people are capable of. I hope that they never will. The thought that some day someone will undoubtedly break their hearts, disappoint them, use them, damage them in some way, makes me want to lock them away and keep them safe forever. I am sure that these hurts are closer in their future than I can imagine.

Days like today mean that I have to work extra hard to remind myself why I like people so much....because most of the time, I do. I believe that human beings are capable of so much love and kindness and compassion. I believe that it's contagious - that if I go out into the world and spread my positive energy and light, then it will touch those around me and they, in turn, will go out and do the same.

Today, however, I am a black hole. I suck in all the light and don't let any of it escape. I am suspicious, mistrustful, and pessimistic. My anger at the human race is there because I am feeling so vulnerable - I am expecting the world to crush me at any moment. Maybe if I stay angry, no one will mess with me.

At least that way, the only one hurting me is myself.

Today's Thoughts

I have managed to get out and hit the streets two days in a row for two pathetically short runs. I suppose something is better than nothing, but I've got to confess that I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now. Not just with my running, but with life itself.

Running used to be such a mental and emotional release for me. These days it seems like every time I get out there I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and emotions. My body hurts from running because it feels like I'm out there carrying the entire weight of the world on my back as I do it. The 5k I ran this morning felt harder than last year's marathon.

I desperately want to shake off the negativity, the emotions, the memories, and everything else that is weighing me down...but I'm not sure how to do it. I want to find the joy in the small moments of life again but that seems to be lost in me, too. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something good to happen in my life so I can forget about the bad, if even just for a little while.

Most days there's not enough good to push out the bad. I know it probably won't always be this way, but damn, this sucks.

More Darkness

The darkness settles in sometimes when I least expect it, like yesterday while I was getting ready for Molly's birthday party. I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain so I didn't have to feel sometimes.

Then again, looking for that switch was what got me to this place to begin with.

I managed to squeeze out the darkness for the sake of my 3 year old. What really makes me sad is that I'll always look back on this day and remember how shitty I felt while I had a big smile plastered on my face. I will always wonder if she felt my sadness and self-loathing seeping into the day.

I'm feeling impatient with myself. I want all of this behind me. I want it to be over. I want to wake up in the morning and feel light and content and full of joy. I felt that way once...shouldn't it still be in there, somewhere?

I just don't know where to find it anymore. Some days, like yesterday, I lack even the strength to look for it.

Black Hole

Today I'm feeling a little "black-holish". It's just been one of those negative kind of days where I woke up feeling like something in me was sucking all the joy out of life. Days like this happen from time to time for me. The bad news is that it affects others around me, pulling them into the funk (Chris just mentioned feeling more than a little "off" himself). The good news is that this mood never lasts all that long - probably tomorrow I'll wake up feeling like myself again.

Sometimes it's okay to wallow in a black mood. I used to do whatever I could to avoid feeling this way...but I'm starting to see that sometimes, moods just happen. There's no need to over-analyze or self-examine over every shitty day I have. Maybe I'm hormonal or over-tired or just plain cranky....and that's okay. I'm not going to worry about it too much.

Tomorrow will be better.

Sorry for sucking you in, too, honey. Maybe tonight we can eat some chocolate, snuggle on the couch, and wait for today to be over.