Wants vs. Needs

I always wanted to be one of those women who was completely fulfilled by her role as wife and mother. I worked very hard for many years, trying to stuff myself into that role and be happy with it. Since becoming a mommy I've gone through several 'dark periods', where I struggle with depression and feelings of unworthiness.

I've been experiencing the same thing for the past several months now.

What it really boils down to is the fact that I'm not satisfied with just being a wife and mommy. I wanted that, and I tried so hard to be it. I thought that the problem was that I just wasn't trying hard enough. I can see now that there isn't really a "problem", just reality. And the reality is that I need more in my life, that I need more things that are just for me, that are outside of being a wife and mommy.

Despite what I may want, I'm stopping to take a look at what I actually need. The two aren't necessarily the same.

The fact that Emma is getting older is really making me think about the fact that I'm not always going to have these girls of mine. They're not even really "mine", since we can't "have" another person. I've simply been entrusted with the responsibility of nurturing and protecting them, and helping them to become the people that they are meant to be.

And while I'm doing that, I can't forget to nurture myself, and be the person that *I* am meant to be.

Now I'm just left with the task of figuring out who and what that is....

It's SO hard....

One of the biggest challenges of parenting is putting aside my own issues in order to give better to my children.

Today was Emma's birthday, her special day, and I managed to get overwhelmed with something that I wasn't expecting. I worked really hard to roll up my issue, my anxiety, my hurt, my anger, and everything else I was feeling into a tight little ball and push it down as far as I could - so I could be the mommy that she deserved today.

I really wish that I'd had the luxury of curling up into a ball, shutting out the world, and just allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Instead I had to plaster on a fake grin, grit my teeth, and feign enthusiasm. Hopefully she was none the wiser.

My biggest fear is that someday she's going to think back on her 5th birthday and remember that mommy was upset and unhappy. I can only hope that she was so focused on herself, on what was going on around her, that she wasn't tuned into what *I* was feeling. And maybe some day I'll be able to make it up to her, for, once again, not being the mommy that I wanted to be.

I love my kids so much...and I'm working on being the mommy they need and deserve. It's not easy to do that when my problems get in the way.

I just hate that I have one more thing to add to my list of "reasons to feel guilty"....

Adventures in Sleeping

Anyone who is, or has been, the parent of two young kids knows what an adventure bedtime can be. I can probably count on one hand the number of peaceful night's sleep I've gotten in the past five years. Coincidentally, I think all of those peaceful nights have been while I was all by myself.

Last night was a great example.

Chris had a co-op meeting and so I was left with the joy of getting both girls to bed. Molly still needs someone to lay in bed beside her until she's asleep. Emma was - well, let's just say Emma was a bundle of excitement on the night before her birthday. Molly didn't seem very tired. I was surprised by this, considering the fact that they had a nice long playground visit in the afternoon.

It took about an hour to get Molly settled. My frustration level was high, as every time I tried sneaking out, her eyes popped open immediately, and she grabbed onto me for dear life. All I could think about were the birthday gifts to wrap, and party decorations to work on.

I finally made it out of there. The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful. I worked on Sunday's party prep. Chris came home, filled me in on the co-op news, and then we went to bed.

I was just dozing off when I heard the girls' bedroom door open. The heavy-footed gait told me that it was Molly. I pulled another pillow into our bed and let her crawl in with us. For the next 45 minutes, Molly proceeded to toss her leg up over my neck, repeatedly, play with my hair, and shove her knees into my back. She would seem to wait just until I was almost asleep to do it. It was nothing less than TORTURE!

Finally, I grabbed my pillows and left in disgust. Chris could deal with it. I needed sleep.

I crawled quietly into Molly's little bed and drifted off to sleep. At around 1:30 I was ripped from my dreams by a light being flashed in my eyes. Emma's flashlight.

"Mommy, is it morning yet?" She wanted to know.

"Not even close, Kiddo. Go back to sleep."

By this point my back was starting to hurt. Mo's bed isn't exactly the most comfortable one in the house, particularly for an adult body. I managed to get to sleep anyhow.

At 4:30, same thing. Rustling around in the room, flashlight in my face. "Is it morning NOW, Mommy?"

Deep breath. Clenched teeth. "No, honey, go back to sleep." I mustered up a sweet reply.

I woke up at 5:45, and contemplated a run. The bed was so warm, I was so tired...I drifted back to sleep.

6:00 am. More flashing lights. "Is it morning now, Mommy?"

"Yeah, Kiddo, it is. Happy Birthday."

"Do I get my presents now???????"

"Go wake up Daddy...."

And today I'm dreaming of a huge coffee....

Mama's Thoughts

It's so hard being a parent sometimes. As prepared as I believed myself to be for motherhood,the harsh truth is that I didn't know crap. The older I get, the older my girls get, the more I'm able to see that.

The most difficult part of parenting, for me, is the emotional stuff. Teaching my girls how to be emotionally responsible, healthy people. It's sad to say, but when it comes to this kind of thing, I'm feeling around blindly in the dark - because it's not something that was ever taught to me. I have to make this stuff up as I go along. Thanks again, mom.

I think I'd feel a lot better about the process if I felt, even a little bit, like I had my own crap together. Maybe if I were a little wiser, a little more emotionally stable, this might come to me a lot easier, I don't know. It's hard to teach my girls good boundaries when that's something I still struggle with myself. It's had to teach my girls healthy coping mechanisms when I spent the majority of my life either binging or starving or overexercising my emotions away. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning this stuff right along with them.

I guess the one thing that I can teach my girls is that mistakes happen. Mistakes happen to us all, and we have the power to choose to learn from those mistakes, or use them as just another excuse to wallow in misery. 'Cuz that's pretty much all I know from personal experience right now. Hopefully, I'll know more in years to come.

Sometimes I look at those wonderful little girls of mine and I feel almost overwhelmed by fear. Already I'm afraid of the first time their hearts get broken. Of all the suffering that they will inevitably be met with in their lives. The fear is so gripping that I just want to grab them up and hug them close and never let them go.

Another hard part of being a mom is accepting that you can't protect those wonderful little creatures forever. Some day, sooner than I'd like to think about, they will be turned out into the world and left to fend for themselves. My success (or failure) as a mother will determine how well they are able to handle themselves in this scary world.

I worry that I'm failing them, not doing a good enough job.

The worst part is that I won't know until it's too late.

Glorious Sun

I am so happy to see the sun shine today. Yeah, I wish it were a little warmer, but whatever. Spring is on it's way - that's what counts.

I had the morning off - my girlfriend and I trade off kid-watching every other week for our sanity's sake. So Chris and I met up at my favourite coffee shop to relax, chat, and flirt a little. It's so nice to get out and spend some time remembering that we're more than the people who make peanut butter and honey toast and wipe butts and noses and clean toilets together. We all need that from time to time.

We need another "real date" soon.

On the parenting front, it's been a busy and stressful few weeks. I've got my own "stuff" that I'm dealing with (and when I say "stuff" that's an understatement - more like a festering pile of doo-doo), and then to complicate things, the kids have been sick with this horrible cold that's been going around. They've been snotty, whiny, impatient, cranky...it's been very difficult remaining patient with them. And I will admit that I've lost my patience more than once with them in the last couple of weeks. It's hard for that not to happen sometimes, unfortunately.

Today I'm making a special effort to enjoy life. It's not easy many days, and I don't know if it's the sun shining or what, but at least for this day, it doesn't seem quite so bad.

I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

Long Week

It's been a long week. The girls have been sick, sick, sick with this rotten cold that's going around. I know that my days are probably numbered. Maybe I won't get it as well, but at this point, with the amount of snot that's been flowing at my house, it seems highly unlikely.

We've been incredibly fortunate this winter in the illness department, so I guess I shouldn't complain *too* loudly at this point.

It's just that after the week we've had, if I have to clean up one more soggy tissue or lie awake at night listening to one or both of my children hacking, I think I might have to move into the basement.

Yeah, Kelly the Basement Dweller. Sounds pretty good right about now...

Through the Eyes of a Child

Geez, kids are amazing. No, I'm not just figuring that out now, but it's one of those things that's easy to forget sometimes, in the getting caught up with the messy part of life. I have these moments every now and again when I'm reminded why having kids is such an amazing thing...even despite the snotty noses, whining, and late night "musical beds" antics.

Yesterday I went out with the girls and a girlfriend of mine to enjoy the gorgeous spring day. On the way home, we walked past one spot on the sidewalk that has poor drainage (it's right by a hill) and in the wintertime it's always covered with ice - I hate running past there - and in the springtime there is slush and water and mud to contend with. As we were walking past there, trudging through a thin layer of water and mud, I commented to my friend, "I always hate this spot."

From the bike trailer, Emma piped up, "No, Mommy, it's the best spot because you can see your tracks after you walk through it."

Hm. I guess that's at least part of my problem - I've been looking at life too much like a grown-up. It's so great how kids can always seem to find the beauty and wonder in things. I need to put on my kid-coloured glasses a little more often. Only a five year old could see something cool about a muddy spot on the sidewalk.

Thanks, Kiddo.

Fear

I got up at 6:00 am this morning with the intention of running. It's just after 6:30 and still I sit here, in full running gear, not able to make it out the door. I tell myself that it's the freezing rain that's holding me back. In reality, it is my fear.

I am afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I am afraid of facing the reality of who I am. I am afraid of re-living memories that I don't want to re-live.

I am afraid.

I used to think that fear was a good thing, that it meant that I was moving in the right direction. These days I think that when I used to say that, I was just fooling myself. And, as with many things, perhaps I was. I just don't know any more. The rules of my life have changed so much in the last couple of months that I'm completely unsure of pretty much everything.

I will attempt another run perhaps this afternoon. Maybe by then I will have steeled myself against my own thoughts and emotions. Until then, I have another day to face, with a sick and whiny 3 year old, and a library trip to endure. I never realized before how hard it is to work through major life issues when you've got kids to look after. Life can't stop while I sort through my pile of crap....hell, it can't even slow down. I'm left to carry on the day-to-day, spending short bursts of time sorting through the mountain of crap that is weighing me down.

At this rate, I'll still be wading through this when I'm 98.

Pass me a Brown Thing, would ya?

I'm not one to read tabloid magazines. I'm just not interested in which celebrities have cellulite, how many babies Angelina Jolie wants to adopt, who has an eating disorder, or the latest sightings of aliens, bigfoot, bat boy or Elvis. I will admit, though, that when I'm stuck in the lineup at the grocery store, I do find that my eyes gravitate toward those things like Oprah to a new diet. All my celebrity knowledge comes from whatever I'm able to read on the front covers during my five minute wait to unload my groceries.

Last night I saw an interesting headline. Apparently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes kid, Suri, is living quite the 'bizarre' life. There was a list of things that made her life so, things like Scientology playdates and the like, but, topping this shocking list is the fact that this poor child is deprived both television AND Happy Meals. The Horror!

I went searching on the internet just now to find out just how old this kid is. She won't be two until the middle of April! Honestly, as soon as they've got teeth, kids needs to be hooked up to all-you-can-stomach Happy Meals and a steady supply of television. We need more people to contribute to the childhood obesity problem! What the hell are her parents thinking, exactly??? QUICK! FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE PLEASE PHONE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yeah, I'm more than a little bit sarcastic. But really, first of all, who the cares if this kid isn't getting McDonald's and television, and second of all, since when is that considered a bad thing?

The ironic part is, of course, if photos turned up of the kid gumming on a cheeseburger and watching Law and Order they'd catch hell for that, too. Gotta love the society we live in, man.

Chris and I walk a fine line with what we allow our kids. We don't have television but we do borrow kid videos from the library. We allow them their time each day to watch, and even occasionally give them a little extra for a special treat. We take them trick-or-treating and let them have 'treats' now and again, but certainly not on a daily basis. Our personal view is that to make it 'forbidden' only makes it that much more interesting. So they can have a little, and hopefully they will learn moderation from that.

That being said, there are certain things that are forbidden. McDonald's is definitely one of those things. I don't feel one OUNCE of guilt for that one. I can happily say that while I'm still able to make that decision on their behalf, my kids will never know what a Big Mac tastes like. Same with television. Not under my roof.

While we were away on vacation I had an amusing experience with my kids. On the way to our vacation spot, we stopped at a Tim Horton's for a bathroom break and to grab a bagel for lunch. Timmy's is a spot that we go to about once a year - when we make our annual vacation trip. I prefer fair-trade organic coffee from small, local coffee shops. I prefer not to help out big business. Besides, Timmy's coffee tastes like crap.

We stopped there and the girls looked at the display of doughnuts and asked if they could have one. In a moment of weakness, I bought them one chocolate glazed doughnut to share in the car during the second half of our trip. After we ate, we got loaded in the car, and Molly said loudly, "I want my brown thing!"

"Brown thing? What brown thing?"

"Mommy, she means the thing you bought us to eat." Emma explained.

Oh! Her brown thing. Poor child didn't even know it was called a doughnut. I had a memory of Emma at the same age when she saw a package of plain sugared doughnuts at the grocery store. She called them 'sugar bagels'. Hm. Maybe I'm depriving my children more than I thought.

Please, no one phone social services on me, 'kay?

Pre-vacation Ramble

I've been sitting here for a full ten minutes trying to think of something funny/amusing/clever/profound to write about.

Still nothing.

Guess it's one of those days when I'm going to have a difficult time focusing and getting anything done. Perfect spot to be in when I have to pack and clean like a madwoman for our vacation that starts tomorrow.

I just know that we'll arrive there tomorrow and I'll discover that I've forgotten something critical, like underpants. Scratch that. More likely I'll discover I've forgotten to pack the organic chocolate or the booze. Now THAT would truly be a crisis. Drawers I can manage without. But chocolate and beer? NO WAY!

I've noticed that whenever I've got a million things to get done, like I do today, my kids always seem to sense it, and become EXTRA demanding and whiny. They bicker more, they make bigger messes. In short, they turn into little trolls, hell bent on making my life even more miserable than it currently is. The girls already decided to wait until I had JUST prepared my breakfast to start loudly and impatiently demanding a snack. Never mind the fact that they'd just eaten breakfast less than an hour before, I was starving, and desperately needed a tea, and a few moments of peace to collect myself. They don't care about that. It's not just my kids, they're all narcissists. My only hope is that someday they grow out of it, unlike the vast majority of the world's population.

Geez, I'm a real beacon of goodness and light today, huh?

Uh-oh. There were go. Further demands for snacks. Guess I'd better get to it. If I find something interesting enough for them to chow down on, I just might be able to get 10 minutes of peace so I can have a shower.

Here's hoping.

"I Wanna Be Just Like You When I Grow Up"

So my almost five year old hit me with a doozie yesterday. She looked at me and declared, "I wanna be just like you when I grow up, Mommy".

Uh...what?

I laughed to myself. She's entered into that, "My mommy is the coolest person in the world and I'm not afraid to shout it from the rooftops" phase. Better than "Mom, you don't know shit", which generally comes close on the heels of the hero-worship thing after the kid discovers that you're really just human after all.

But I am human. I can't hide that. I am human, I make mistakes. All the time. Just like everyone else. Some big ones, some small ones. It's just a simple fact of living - the more we get out there and live, the more opportunities we have to screw it up. And oftentimes, we do just that.

I've been thinking a lot about Emma since we had that conversation. I've realized that she's watching everything I do. Every good thing, and everything not-so-good thing is being observed and filed away in that little brain of hers.

It's a lot of pressure to be under.

My first instinct is to try and do everything perfectly. Be the model mom that any kid could be proud of. Impossible! I could give it a try, and maybe she'd even buy it, but there would come a point when she'd find herself realizing that mommy doesn't do everything so perfectly after all, and then her belief in me, and most likely herself, would be shattered. That's the last thing I would want.

Instead, I am left with the only other option -- being human. It's the only 'real' option, isn't it? Instead of trying to fool my daughter (and myself) with fake sentiment, I am going for honesty.

No, honey, I'm not perfect. Yes, I do make mistakes, just like everyone else. The only thing we can do when that happens is to learn from it, and try to do better next time. Yeah, it sucks but it's the only real opportunity that we have for true happiness.

These days, I'm trying to be grateful for my screw-ups. They remind me that I'm alive. They have so much to teach me. Yep, it truly sucks when they happen, but I'm a firm believer that a life without mistakes is no life at all.

Someone remind me of this the next time I really feel like crap, okay?

One of those days

It's going to be one of those days, I can feel it.

It is 8:45 a.m. Chris is at work, then class, then running errands. I expect him home at around 1:30 or so.

It is currently -25 with the windchill outside. There are no promises for it to get much warmer.

Molly is wearing her 4th outfit of the day so far. I haven't looked in her room yet, but I am certain it is strewn with clothing and her dresser drawers look as though they have vomited out their contents.

Emma is whiny, cranky, and demanding.

The girls are squabbling over toys already. They could fight over anything. Anything! They are both in one of those moods where they feel like picking at and aggravating one another.

They are currently playing under a giant golf umbrella, which they are using as their "club house". I am wondering how long it will be before someone gets their eye poked out, or busts the umbrella.

It's one of those days where I'm going to have to summon every bit of mental and emotional energy that I have, in order to prevent it from becoming a complete train wreck. I seriously wonder if I have it in me today.

Is it spring yet?

Grown Up Time

Last night Chris and I went out on a date for the first time in...oh...a long time. Anyone with young kids can attest to how difficult getting out alone with your spouse can be. It's easy to simply allow that kind of thing to slide, and not make it a priority in your relationship. This is something that Chris and I are committed to working on...so...last night, we went out on a date. :)

We went to dinner at a great restaurant that serves free-range meat, and as much local, organic fare as possible. We'd never eaten there before, and the food was delicious. The best part, better even than the food, was being able to sit and have an entire conversation, from beginning to end, without interruption. I'd made the "no kid talk" rule at the beginning of the evening, so we spent the meal discussing the food, my writing, Chris' school...anything and everything that popped up. It was so refreshing to just feel like a regular grown up, and not someone who'd spent the whole day cleaning up Playmobil, dishing out time outs, and wiping bums.

After dinner we went to see a movie. It was so nice to just sit there and get lost in the story, and laugh and hold hands and whisper little things to each other now and again. It was nice to just be a regular couple, not mommy and daddy. I'd really honestly forgotten what it was like to feel that way...to feel..."normal"...for lack of a better word. It was so refreshing.

The evening ended with us crawling into bed, exhausted, because we were up past our bedtimes. Molly was already in our bed, sleeping. I have to admit, after spending the evening as just "Chris and Kelly", it was actually kind of nice to be "Mommy and Daddy" again.

Glamourous Moment # 4,327 in the Life of a Stay-At-Home Mom...

There I was, pants rolled up to my ankles, standing in the tub, barefoot, scrubbing the shower walls, and trying desperately to think of what I would do with the girls when I was done to keep them amused, and keep myself from going nuts, when the phone rang.

It was my friend. Her husband is home from work and would be taking their daughter to the local playgroup for the morning. Did I want to join them?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!


Thank God.

Adult Contact

As a stay at home mom, one of the things I sorely miss in my day is adult contact. Sure, I get little bits here and there - a quick chat with another mom at the library; a two minute phone conversation with a friend, play dates with other moms and kids. Still, however, even with that bit of contact, the focus always remains on the children. How can it not be? After all, my "job" is to care for the girls, keep them amused, stimulate them, educate them. It only makes sense that my personal need for adult conversation and contact must take a back seat to that.

Some days I feel incredibly cut off from the outside world. It's as though nothing else exists except mixing paint colours, reading stories, wiping bums, doling out time-outs, loading the dishwasher and feigning interest in how high my four year old can jump on the bed. Those are the tough days, when I have to grit my teeth and just make it through.

Other days are golden. I relish in hearing the girls giggle as I tell them stories with silly voices. I can lay on the couch and play "little sweetie" with them and want nothing more out of life. I can spend the morning at the playground without even making eye contact with any of the other parents there.

I guess that it's like everything - there's a heaven/hell, good/evil, yin/yang about being a stay at home mom. But I digress.

As I work harder to be happier in my role as a homeschooling mommy, I am spending more time figuring out my needs, and working to ensure they get met appropriately. For a long time there, what I needed most was time alone. Quiet. Time to think and just "be". My early morning routine and my morning runs seem to meet that need quite nicely. I also get more than enough evening time to myself after the girls are in bed asleep. Now that that particular need is being met, other needs, particularly my need for adult contact and friendships is being revealed to me. It's good to sit with a friend and giggle and talk and not once be interrupted to wipe a nose or a bum. It's good to discuss adult subjects without having to worry about little ears listening in.

There are many sides to me. Yes, I am a mommy. I am also a wife. But there is so much more underneath all of that, parts of me that don't get to see the light all that often. I am learning to get in touch with those parts more and more...and the more they are allowed out to play, the happier and more content I feel with my mommy role.

It's all good.

It just goes to show....

...life with kids is completely unpredictable.

Today was fine, despite the fact that I had several factors working against me, not the least of which the fact that I am sick with a cold. The girls were relatively well-behaved and we made it through the errands (organic store with the teeny-tiny kid sized carts and all) quite unscathed.

Yes, I am sick. I have trying to fight this thing off for days now, and finally, today, at around 11:30, my body just gave up. Lucky for me, Chris was home this afternoon, which allowed me to nap while the girls were watching videos. The hacking kept me from sleeping soundly, unfortunately. Tonight I am going to indulge in some cough medicine and try to get to bed at a decent hour. I simply don't have the luxury of letting this slow me down.

One of the worst things about being a stay at home mom is the lack of sick days. How I'd love to be able to "call in sick", like the rest of the world! I think I've had one genuine "sick day" in almost 5 years. I think it was last year - Chris was able to take the day off so I could lay in bed, miserable. Other than that, I've had to suck it up and deal with it.

Which, I guess, is what most of this parenting thing is about.

One for the record books

This morning was a hellish adventure. It's one of those days that you can never conceive of when you finally decide "let's have kids". How could anyone? It's impossible to imagine all the things can possibly occur when you're lugging around two small children.

I woke up this morning just before 5:00 am. I considered getting up, enjoying my morning routine of quiet and then going for a nice 20 km run. But the bed was so warm, and I'd stayed up a little too late last night....and so I snuggled back down among the blankets and went back to sleep. I got to sleep in until 7:00 am...when Miss Molly (who had been in our bed since some point in the middle of the night, as always) woke up and demanded that we go downstairs.

So far, so good.

The first part of the morning was fine. I hung out with Molly a bit, then at about 7:30 we woke up Chris and Emma, to get the day started. I showered and got dressed, etc, then joined the rest of the family downstairs to finish my grocery list and have breakfast.

Still, no problems there. The girls were fairly cooperative about getting ready (they sometimes aren't) and we got out the door about an hour earlier than we're usually able to manage. I was feeling pretty proud of myself! I wasn't terribly happy about having to walk there in the cold, but ya do what ya gotta do, right?

First stop: The health food store. I hate taking them in there because they always run amok, grabbing soaps off the shelf to smell, taking things down to show me, digging through the packaged snacks to find something to beg me to buy. I love the health food store, but I never get to enjoy it when I'm with the girls, which is pretty much always. I grabbed my items and we got checked out with a minimum of fuss. Yeah, there was a little grabbing and digging, but less than usual and nothing that I couldn't easily cope with.

On the way out of the health food store was when it all began. Molly suddenly - and completely irrationally, I might add - began demanding that she be able to take off her shoes. She started crying and whining and becoming quite insistent that they be removed. I calmly and gently explained why they needed to stay on. She continued to object. I loaded the two girls into the bike trailer and headed for the grocery store, Molly wailing the entire way, despite my best efforts to calm her.

Once finally inside the grocery store, it is always a big production this time of year, getting the girls out of their coats, and Molly into the shopping cart. The first cart I picked didn't move - the wheels were completely locked. Which meant that I had to transfer everything - coats, backpack, reusable shopping bags, and Molly into another cart.

Sigh.

Molly was still in quite a state. The only way I could finally calm her was to agree to removing her shoes. She was sitting in the cart, it was warm inside the store, so what did it matter?

We made it halfway through produce when Emma announced that she needed to pee. I mustered up as much patience as I could manage, which was worn pretty thin after listening to a two year old wail for 10 minutes, and trekked across the entire store to the bathroom. I generally hate public bathrooms anyhow, but it always seems to me that the ones at the grocery store are the worst ones of all.

Once at the bathroom, I put on Molly's shoes, removed her from the cart, gathered up our coats, my backpack, and our reusable shopping bags so I could get them into the bathroom.

One thing I really hate about this particular store is that just outside the bathroom they have kid book displays set up. The girls love running over to them, both on the way into, and out of, the bathroom to grab and have a quick look before I can usher them away.

We made it through the bathroom adventure, I successfully hauled them away from the book displays, and went back to produce. Okay. This is going better now. We moved on to the Organics section, picked up what we needed there. I was just heading over to the vitamins when Emma announced, "My tummy hurts." I knew what was coming. About a minute and a half later she proclaimed, "I need to poop."

She needed to poop. Less than 10 minutes after being in the bathroom. So once again, we trekked across the entire store to the bathroom. The girls ran to the book displays. I peeled them away and hustled them into the can. When we got inside, I saw that whoever had used the washroom since the last time we'd been there, had left a nice puddle of urine on the floor, directly in front of the toilet. Great. We managed to work around that, Emma did what she needed to do, and about five minutes later we were headed back to do our shopping, but not before they grabbed a couple of Backyardigans books to paw through. Ugh.

We made it almost the whole way through the store when I remembered something from three aisles over. By now I was noticing that the grocery store was pretty crowded, which is unusual for a Monday morning. Then I remembered hearing something about a big snow coming, which made sense to me. I ended up having to practically shove through crowds of people lined up at the checkouts just to make it across the store.

We were just about finished when Molly piped up, "I needta poop."

I could NOT believe my ears. Deep breath. I could make it through this, honest, I could.

We walked back across the grocery store to the bathroom, yet again. For the third time, I gathered up our coats, my backpack, and our bundle of reusable bags, hauled the girls away from the book display, and got them into the bathroom.

"Mommy, I need some privacy."

Privacy? What exactly does a two year old need privacy for? I explained that I couldn't leave her all alone in the bathroom and that we would have to stay there with her. She then proceeded to produce the world's tiniest turd before announcing that she was "all done!" All done...right. Then she asked if she could go out and look at the Backyardigans books. I had a feeling that I knew her motivation for asking to go to the bathroom again, and it had nothing to do with satisfying basic bodily functions.

At least someone had cleaned up the puddle in front of the toilet.

So...back out of the bathroom, put coats, backpack and bags back into the cart, heave Molly up into the cart as well. We finished getting what we needed to get, made a quick stop in the toy aisle (I always let them have a look at the end of our shopping trip) and then went to find a checkout that wasn't crazy busy. Good luck.

TWO cashiers were on, trying to wait on customers, and the lineups were four people deep. The line I got into was the better of the two, and it wasn't until after I was in the lineup that I realized why. This cashier, who I'd made the mistake of choosing before, is s-l-o-w. On top of that, she's a bad grocery packer, too. One of my biggest pet peeves are the cashiers who overload the reusable bags, making them almost impossible to lift into and out of the cart. I accepted my choice and went through her checkout anyhow.

Going through cash with Emma is always an adventure. She loves hiding in the empty checkout stalls, straightening the chocolate bar displays, and trying to climb onto the checkout belts that aren't in use. It does almost no good to speak to her for doing any of these things - by this point it's like she's reached the end of her rope with the whole grocery shopping experience, and she simply can't listen anymore. I tried my best to explain very carefully and gently why climbing in behind the boxes of artificial trees at the end of the aisle wasn't such a good idea. She insisted that she was a "super spy" and needed to hide in there. I hauled her away, and had her stand closer to where I was.

We made it out of the checkout. At the door, Molly out of the cart, into her hat and coat. Emma's coat zipped up. Me zipped up. Okay. Time to go.

Once outside, I loaded up the bike trailer. Molly looked inside at her seat and started crying. "But mommy, there's bird poop in there!"

Bird poop?

It was snow from her shoes. I explained what it was, and yet she still whined and complained that she didn't want to get the bird poop on her feet. I loaded her in, and we started walking. These days, Emma needs to walk the kilometer and a half or so home from the grocery store, because two kids and the groceries in the trailer means too much weight. We already busted the front wheel attachment once from carrying too much, we can't let that happen again.

We weren't across the parking lot when it started.

"Mommy, I'm cold."

"Yes, Emma, I know, I'm cold too."

"I don't want to walk."

"I don't want to walk either, but we don't have any choice."

Despite my best efforts, conversation returned, time and time again, to how cold Emma was, and how she was sick of walking. I tried, really I did - but not even conversations about how much fun we were going to have over the Christmas holidays was enough to keep her focus off her discomfort. She began walking slower and slower.

Five minutes from home, I'd had enough. I stopped the trailer, loaded her into it, and practically ran the rest of the way home. Too much weight in the trailer be damned, I needed to be in the solace and comfort of my own home.

At least we made it home before it started snowing.

All things considered, I handled myself pretty well. I didn't lose my temper or snap at them, despite how thin my patience was getting with all the antics that were going on. Right now, they are watching a video, and I am enjoying the peace, wishing I had a big cup of coffee and a brownie to drown my sorrows. Unfortunately, the best I've got is a veggie dog and a glass of water.

I need to buck up. Who knows what this afternoon brings.

Ah, kids....

Yesterday I was met with a pretty funny sight. I was upstairs, tidying, and when I came around the corner, I found Emma and Molly, poised at the top of our stairs, each of them seated on a large stuffed animal. Emma on a huge yellow duck, Molly on a great big golden retriever. Apparently they were planning on riding those animals, in a race, down our carpeted stairs to the bottom.

Needless to say, I quickly put a stop to it, after some fast talking about the dangers of such an enterprise. They did as I asked, but I could tell that they weren't entirely convinced.

Nevertheless, it tickled me to see that sight.

Parenting is tough a lot of days. It's made even more challenging for me by the fact that we have two very strong-willed, confident children. A lot of days I would certainly prefer to have obedient little robots, but in the end, I know that I'll be glad that I have two daughters who know their own minds, and how to communicate it. I just need to remind myself when I'm in the middle of trying to convince my two year old that it's too cold to wear shorts in November, or when I'm stopping the pair of them from careening down the stairs aboard two extra large stuffed animals.