5:30 am

I went to bed last night, late, after having laid out my running clothes and setting my internal alarm for 5:30 am. It's been a long time - months - since I've greeting the early morning with a smile, had some quiet time, and went out for a run.

I had a bad night's sleep. Too many things on my mind.

I woke up and looked at the clock. Sure enough - 5:32 am. I laid there for a moment, wanting desperately to just drift back off to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. But then I remembered my promise to myself. I have been letting myself down too much in the last couple of months. I haven't been allowing myself joy. I haven't been doing the things that I need to be doing in order to feel good, human.

I peeled myself out of bed. Dressed. Came downstairs, shivering. Fired up the computer to do my usual checks - email, facebook, the weather. -16 with the windchill. I haven't been out running in those kinds of temperatures all winter long. I've used that as my convenient excuse for not running, when the truth of the matter is that I've been too afraid. Too afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I bundled up and went out there this morning. It was a dark and glorious morning. The wind in my face was crisp, biting at my cheeks. I took a long, slow deep breath.

And I smiled.

I could allow myself to regret these past few months of denying myself such a wonderful part of my life. Instead, I'm going to try and look at it like I simply needed a break. It's good to allow ourselves that when we really need it. And boy, I needed it.

Today I once again felt the calmness of the early morning. I listened to the quiet sounds of the city not yet waking up. I didn't worry about turning off my brain, or being overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. I simply allowed them to just...be. It's okay. They're not going to destroy me.

It was a brief run this morning, around 5-k or so, but that's alright. I need to work back to this slowly. The important part for me is that I enjoyed the morning. I felt, even just for a brief while, like me again.

As I turned the corner this morning, heading back toward home, I looked down the hill and saw the sky just starting to light up. A beautiful pale orange all along the horizon. And that's when I knew it...believed it...for the first time in a long, long time.

I am going to be okay.

I'm not there...yet. But I will get there.