Foiled Plans

I went to bed last night with the plan of getting up this morning for a run. I made it as far as downstairs, and I just couldn't get myself dressed and out the door. I hate that. I hate it when I allow my emotional state to hold me back from something that I know will actually help my emotional state. Guess it's my self-destructive tendencies showing.

I'm trying to see this as just a little bump in the road, but I've gotta be honest - it's tough.

I'm going to make the effort, though. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Glorious Morning

This morning's run was nothing short of awesome. The sun was shining, there was a hint of crispness in the air, birds were singing. I felt strong and capable and full of life.

I got out the door a little later than I would have liked, and so the run had be shorter than was ideal, but hell, it can't all be perfect, now can it? ;)

It's a busy week for me this week, what with the birthday party on Sunday and all, but it's a good kind of busy. Throwing myself into a fun project is a good distraction from some of the less pleasurable parts of my life. Yeah, I'll get back to dealing with those unpleasant things, but for now, it's good to take a break from them and focus on something else. The issues will wait. Emma's only ever going to have one 5th Birthday Party.

This morning we have a playdate with a friend. The best part of it for me (besides the company, of course!) is getting a HUGE mug of strong organic coffee. Like the addict that I am, I can't keep coffee in my house, so I need to take advantage of the opportunity to have it whenever it arises. Today is one of those days. I can already feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Good morning !!

I'm just on my way out the door for a run. I'm really looking forward to it - the warmest morning we've seen so far in 2008. But just as I'm on my way, I thought of this song. And well, if it's gotta be stuck in *my* head, I might as well share the love.

I suddenly find myself inspired to go out and locate a pair of legwarmers.....

ENJOY! :)

Falling Short

Today was supposed to be long run day. Note I said "supposed to be". I had a bit of digestive upset yesterday - not sure if it was physical or emotional - but it left me feeling drained this morning.

On top of that, I am feeling very weighed down by my mental and emotional state.

I tried. I did oversleep, resigning myself to the fact that I would still be able to get out there and go for at short one. I got up, dressed, and got out there. Less than 5 minutes into the run, I knew that I wasn't going to be a good one. Another five minutes, when I stopped to stretch, I was ready to throw in the towel. I turned back toward home.

I'm trying hard not to feel discouraged by this. Last week it was so great to be getting out there again, doing something that I love so much. This morning, I'm having difficulty believing that I deserve to feel good like that. And that's always the issue - feeling like I deserve it.

I still don't.

I'm thinking of taking a break from this blog for a while. I feel like I have few good things to write about right now. I'm tired of the moaning and complaining. I can do that elsewhere, but not here. This blog was always meant to be about so much more than that. Sure, there was always an element about my struggles in life, we've all got those. I always thought that in some small way, I could offer hope to other people reading this that they're not alone, that we all struggle, and it's okay. Not alone, check. Struggling, check. Okay? Some days I'm not so sure anymore.

This blog has morphed into something that I didn't want it to be. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I have morphed into someone that I don't want to be.

I'm sorry to those that I have let down. You never deserved to be disappointed.

This morning's thoughts

I went to bed last night with the intentions of getting up this morning to run. I woke up in the night, a couple of hours early, and realized that it probably made more sense for me to spend an extra hour sleeping, instead of running. I've been planning all week to get to bed early, and it just hasn't happened. So this morning I chose sleep over running. It's all good, though - I am happy with that decision. There is a little sadness over the lack of running...I'm surprised by how good it feels again, so quickly. But Monday is my long run again, and already I'm looking forward to it.

Tonight my girlfriend and I are staying at another girlfriend's empty apartment for a "mommy's sleepover night". We're going to drink beer, giggle, eat nasty takeout food, and maybe even go out dancing, if we feel up to it.

I really, really need some fun. I'm really looking forward to it. Mommy-free time is good. :)

This morning

Today I awoke early and got out the door by 6:30 this morning. I had to work to get my bum out of bed, but ultimately, it was worth it. It was a glorious morning to be out. It was a crisp, cool morning, a thin layer of ice covering everything from the foul weather that we'd had yesterday. But as I turned my nose to the air, I could smell it, sense it - that promise of warmth to come later on today. As the sun inched up in the sky I could feel it there, too.

Today is going to be a good day.

This morning's "therapy session"

More therapy this morning - another run.

I am happy to report that the running part of my life is steadily improving. I am both impressed and shocked at how readily my body is responding to it again. Not to mention the positive effect this is having on mental and emotional state.

Huh. Maybe I really AM a runner after all. Well, if this doesn't teach me that, then frankly, nothing will.

This morning I found myself thinking about our dog, Max. I see lots of people out walking their dogs in the early morning, and for some reason, today, Max popped into my mind. Hell, maybe I'm just desperately searching for something ELSE to feel guilty about...

In any case, I thought about Max. Max, our 150-lb, Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix who was dumb as a post but the sweetest dog on the planet. We got him right after we were first married from the SPCA when he was just a wee puppy. He soon grew up into a massive dog with the heart of a lap dog. He was a handful! He ate leather sandals (yes, that's right, I said ATE sandals...everything but the soles!!), chewed other shoes, dug giant holes in the backyard, ripped open our garbage and dragged it through the house when he was left home alone. He did a million other things too, that have been forgotten about over the years. He loved people and he loved playing hide and seek and laying in a big bean bag chair that we had just for him. He was good natured and protective and possibly the dumbest dog that ever lived.

After Emma was born, we had even less time for dear old Max. With a little baby to care for (and a high-maintenance one at that) we had even less time for our high-maintenance dog. Max got even less attention than he had before. We weren't being fair to poor old Max.

After a long decision-making period, we decided that we needed to find another home for Max. Add to the complication the fact that we were selling our house and moving into an apartment so that I could be a stay-at-home mom, and there's not too many places big enough to accommodate a dog of that size. Eventually, we took him to a wonderful animal shelter that keeps the animals until a suitable home is found for them.

I was surprised to find out how hard it was to do that, how much I missed him. How much I still miss him! Sometimes I see dogs around the city that look very much like him. I've even stopped and struck up conversations with the owners. None of them have been Max.

This morning I thought of dear old Max and was filled with sadness. We did right by him, in the end, and I'm sure that he's in a loving house and getting all the attention and love that he deserves. I'm sorry that we weren't the ones to be able to give him that.

Hopefully, for the sake of his new family, he's broken his sandal-eating habit.

The Run

I did it. The long run. Sadly, not nearly as long as I wanted. It ended up only being 13 k - I was hoping for at least 15. But considering how little I've run these past 4 months or so, I think I'll just be satisfied with what I managed with relative ease.

I was surprised by how well it went this morning. I wasn't overwhelmed. I felt calm and centered. Thoughts came in, emotions crept up, memories knocked at the door. I didn't fight them. I acknowledged everything. I didn't crumble. I didn't stumble. I didn't fall apart. If the emotions welled up a little too much, I simply pushed myself a bit harder, focusing on the physical sensation. I even reached the 'sweet spot' that I desire so much - when my body just takes over and it's like I can run forever. I'd kinda forgotten about that feeling. (!!) By the time I reached that place this morning, I'd already sifted through a lot of the mental garbage. I let my thoughts flow as my body did what it does best. It's so reassuring to know that even after all this time, my body still instinctually knows what to do.

And now I'm enjoying the post-run glow. I'd forgotten about that, too - the flow of energy, the mental calm, the feeling that all is right with the world.

I'm so glad that I was able to push past all my fears and get out there and do this for myself. It's making all the difference. Not every day is going to be as good as today, but I can live with that. They're not all meant to be gems.

I'm going to be okay. I finally, finally, finally feel this.

Tomorrow's Plan

My plan for tomorrow morning is to get up bright and early and go for a nice long run. I haven't gone on a long run in months. I've been so afraid lately...afraid to be alone with myself, my thoughts, my memories.

I finally feel ready to face them.

I'm posting my plan here so that hopefully it will prevent me from backing out. I need this. I need to run. I need to allow the thoughts and the emotions to wash over me, and know that I'm not going to crumble. I will listen to my breathing and hear the birds singing and remind myself what it feels like to be alive, and all of the wonderful reasons that I have for living. I will turn my face up to the sun and drink in the glorious morning.

If I feel afraid, I will remind myself that fear won't hurt me. If I feel sad, I will tell myself that sadness won't destroy me. If I feel anger, I will let it in only long enough to let it see that I'm ready for it to move on.

I am ready for it.

Running as Metaphor

I'm always amazed at what a metaphor for life running is. Maybe it's because I'm a runner that I see them...?

(I got out again this morning. That's the second time this week. That's how I know, for sure, that I am on the mend in my life. Progress is slow, yes, but any forward movement is progress, and for that I can be grateful.)

Some runs are effortless, just like some days. There is a certain joy in the ease of them. My body is on autopilot, taking me through the streets. I don't have to think about it, I just move forward. The conditions are perfect, there is nothing difficult about it. These kind of runs are what keep me doing this on a regular basis. We all have those effortless, autopilot days. They are good, but there's not a lot of challenge in them.

Sometimes (particularly lately) getting out there to run is just too much to face. Either the outside conditions, or my own mental state just won't allow it to happen. It's like those days when you've got nothing to give to the world. Just not gonna happen. Fact of life.

And then, there are runs like the one I had today. Days when the conditions are far from perfect. My spirit was willing, my body was tentative, unsure. The wind whipped around me, biting my cheeks, blowing through my clothes, tossing little stinging chards of snow into my eyes. This morning, though, I was ready for it. I turned my face into the wind and met it with a huge grin. The wind blew hard, trying to blow me backwards. It almost succeeded.

And that's when I asked myself, "How bad do I want it?"

I chanted it in my head, "How bad do I want it? How bad do I want it? How bad do I want it?"

The answer came back to me loud and clear:

I want it.

This morning's run reminded me of why I love running so much. It was difficult. I had to push myself to get out the door, to keep my body moving, to keep pressing forward. But it reminded me of what I am capable of.

I can do this.

5:30 am

I went to bed last night, late, after having laid out my running clothes and setting my internal alarm for 5:30 am. It's been a long time - months - since I've greeting the early morning with a smile, had some quiet time, and went out for a run.

I had a bad night's sleep. Too many things on my mind.

I woke up and looked at the clock. Sure enough - 5:32 am. I laid there for a moment, wanting desperately to just drift back off to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. But then I remembered my promise to myself. I have been letting myself down too much in the last couple of months. I haven't been allowing myself joy. I haven't been doing the things that I need to be doing in order to feel good, human.

I peeled myself out of bed. Dressed. Came downstairs, shivering. Fired up the computer to do my usual checks - email, facebook, the weather. -16 with the windchill. I haven't been out running in those kinds of temperatures all winter long. I've used that as my convenient excuse for not running, when the truth of the matter is that I've been too afraid. Too afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I bundled up and went out there this morning. It was a dark and glorious morning. The wind in my face was crisp, biting at my cheeks. I took a long, slow deep breath.

And I smiled.

I could allow myself to regret these past few months of denying myself such a wonderful part of my life. Instead, I'm going to try and look at it like I simply needed a break. It's good to allow ourselves that when we really need it. And boy, I needed it.

Today I once again felt the calmness of the early morning. I listened to the quiet sounds of the city not yet waking up. I didn't worry about turning off my brain, or being overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. I simply allowed them to just...be. It's okay. They're not going to destroy me.

It was a brief run this morning, around 5-k or so, but that's alright. I need to work back to this slowly. The important part for me is that I enjoyed the morning. I felt, even just for a brief while, like me again.

As I turned the corner this morning, heading back toward home, I looked down the hill and saw the sky just starting to light up. A beautiful pale orange all along the horizon. And that's when I knew it...believed it...for the first time in a long, long time.

I am going to be okay.

I'm not there...yet. But I will get there.

A Reward

I pushed myself out the door this morning. After a long talk with Chris yesterday, and a huge pep talk to myself last night, I decided that I can't let how I'm currently feeling hold me back from something that is ultimately very, very good for me. Running is a part of who I am...and I can not deny it. I can't take it away from myself as some sort of a punishment for my mistakes in life...I am punishing myself enough. I need to let some joy in once and a while, too.

So I made it out the door this morning. It was a great day for running - the sidewalks were clear, it was not too cold...ah...

I got less than two blocks when I heard it -- a bird. Now, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I'm terrified of birds most days, but there's something about the sound of birds singing while I'm out running that really puts joy into my heart. I can't remember hearing that sound in a long while, not since early last fall. I smiled a little smile and kept on going.

I looped around and got to the top of the hill, and there it was -- the sunrise. A glorious, golden-cloud, pink-sky sunrise. I haven't seen one of those in months, either. And yet, there it was. I felt my heart fill up with even more joy, and pressed onward.

I won't lie and say that today's run was an easy one. It wasn't. I still found myself bombarded with memories. I did my best to sort through them as best I could. I even found my mind eventually wandering off to happier thoughts.

Today I am feeling better. I will get there. It's just going to take some time.

Fear

I got up at 6:00 am this morning with the intention of running. It's just after 6:30 and still I sit here, in full running gear, not able to make it out the door. I tell myself that it's the freezing rain that's holding me back. In reality, it is my fear.

I am afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I am afraid of facing the reality of who I am. I am afraid of re-living memories that I don't want to re-live.

I am afraid.

I used to think that fear was a good thing, that it meant that I was moving in the right direction. These days I think that when I used to say that, I was just fooling myself. And, as with many things, perhaps I was. I just don't know any more. The rules of my life have changed so much in the last couple of months that I'm completely unsure of pretty much everything.

I will attempt another run perhaps this afternoon. Maybe by then I will have steeled myself against my own thoughts and emotions. Until then, I have another day to face, with a sick and whiny 3 year old, and a library trip to endure. I never realized before how hard it is to work through major life issues when you've got kids to look after. Life can't stop while I sort through my pile of crap....hell, it can't even slow down. I'm left to carry on the day-to-day, spending short bursts of time sorting through the mountain of crap that is weighing me down.

At this rate, I'll still be wading through this when I'm 98.

Today's Thoughts

I have managed to get out and hit the streets two days in a row for two pathetically short runs. I suppose something is better than nothing, but I've got to confess that I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now. Not just with my running, but with life itself.

Running used to be such a mental and emotional release for me. These days it seems like every time I get out there I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and memories and emotions. My body hurts from running because it feels like I'm out there carrying the entire weight of the world on my back as I do it. The 5k I ran this morning felt harder than last year's marathon.

I desperately want to shake off the negativity, the emotions, the memories, and everything else that is weighing me down...but I'm not sure how to do it. I want to find the joy in the small moments of life again but that seems to be lost in me, too. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for something good to happen in my life so I can forget about the bad, if even just for a little while.

Most days there's not enough good to push out the bad. I know it probably won't always be this way, but damn, this sucks.

I need....

I need to run. I need to run until my body becomes numb and my brain zones out. I need to run into the morning and forget about everything that is weighing me down.

Intellectually, I know that the healing process takes time. Emotionally, I am already tired of all the work...and I know that there is so much more to come. This is only the beginning.

I haven't been running lately. Too many negative associations, too many times when running was about running away from something...trying to run away from the person that I was. I don't want to be that person any more. She made a lot of mistakes, she screwed up things in so many ways.

I need to remember why running is good for me, why I love it so much. It's hard to do that. It's hard to do things that are good for me these days.

It's hard to love myself...particularly since I'm not sure if I ever have....

The Quiet

Vacation quiet was good. I was able to get alone a couple of times, and go running in the nearby park. Both times were intense...I found myself overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions....to the point where I thought I was going to fly apart into a million pieces.

I'm not sure if that's a good feeling or a bad one.

I have come to the conclusion that I need more running. I've been having a hard time getting myself out there these past couple of months...all because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. There's simply too much to think about. I do know, however, that the only way to sort through the garbage is to go running and sort through it...but it's such a scary thought to me right now.

I don't know that I necessarily got a lot sorted out this week. I had a difficult time opening up to people, talking about my 'stuff'. I guess I always end up feeling like I don't have a right to feel what I feel, that everyone is tired of hearing me whine. I have an inner drill sergeant that tells me to "just suck it up and deal with it!!!" which comes in mighty handy when running a marathon but isn't so great when it comes to being honest with my feelings and working through what I need to work through in order to be a whole person again.

This morning is quiet again. Chris took the girls out to playgroup this morning and I'm left with the daunting task of preparing for Miss Molly's 3rd birthday party tomorrow. I've got so much left to do that I'm not even sure where to start. Classic Kelly. Leave it all go until the last minute and then work like a madwoman and completely stress out getting it done.

I guess that's a pretty good distraction from thinking about how shitty I still feel.

94 days to go

Sadly, running has fallen by the wayside a lot lately, and the marathon is a mere 94 days away.

Mostly it's been the weather that's prevented me.

Actually, that's complete bullshit. Mostly it's been my own dark mood that's been keeping me house-bound and away from running. My dark mood, and my fear.

Fear.

Yep. I'm scared shitless right now of spending that much time alone with my own thoughts. There's a lot of crap in there that I need to deal with, and running is one of those times when I can't push the thoughts away...I am simply left to face them, good or bad.

Ultimately, I know that my intense fear means, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is something that I should be doing. Doesn't actually make me want to do it, though....

Foiled Again

Yesterday I formulated a plan in my head that I would get in a glorious run today. Friday's rain ensured that the sidewalks were nicely cleared of ice and snow, making it perfect running conditions (even though it's too cold for my liking - boohoo). Last night a surprise snowfall - did anyone see this coming? Anyone? - means that the sidewalks are now snow-covered and decidedly NOT good for running. Foiled again. It's been so long since I've gotten in a good solid string of runs that I forget what it feels like.

Today I'm feeling deflated. And defeated. Hibernation sounds extremely appealing at this point.



Is it spring yet?

Slacking

I've been having a difficult time getting back into my early morning running routine. I HATE WINTER!!! Have I said that before? Can I say it again?

I HATE WINTER!!

I hate ice, snow, and cold. I hate the thought of hauling my ass out of my nice warm bed and out into the cold world outside. As much as I love running, and really rely on all the benefits it brings me, I'm staring to wonder if I don't hate winter more than I love running.

I know I can't slack off forever. The Blue Nose Marathon is only 119 days away. I am determined not only to run it again, but to beat my time last year, by at least 20 minutes. That means I've got some work to do.

I've gotta get back out there. Not just for training purposes, but for the sanity and clarity that running brings me. The time for slacking is over.

Back At It

After a loooong hiatus, I am getting back into my early bird routine. The whole month of December I slacked off with getting up early and running. Granted, it was was really out of my control, since the weather and the sidewalk conditions simply weren't cooperating with me.

Last night I fell asleep telling myself that I would wake up at 5:45. This morning I woke up at - you guessed it - 5:45. I was surprised that I could still actually do that. Unfortunately, I didn't actually get up, I laid there and dozed off and was awakened by the alarm clock at 6:00. I have to admit, I almost didn't drag myself out...it took some real will power to do it...but I did.

I spent a little time checking email, etc, and then headed out the door.

And felt the joy.