HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA!!!

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, Miss Emma Wigglepants.....

Happy Birthday tooooooooo youuuuuuu!!!!

So she's five. FIVE YEARS OLD. How did I suddenly become the mother of a five year old? It doesn't seem possible, somehow. The last five years have flown by in the blink of an eye, and I know that the next five will go even faster.

In five years, Emma has grown from a helpless newborn into a sweet, charming, funny, creative and spunky five year old. I know that the future holds great things for her. I feel so privileged to be able to share in that with her.

Happy Birthday, Kiddo.

Glorious Morning

This morning's run was nothing short of awesome. The sun was shining, there was a hint of crispness in the air, birds were singing. I felt strong and capable and full of life.

I got out the door a little later than I would have liked, and so the run had be shorter than was ideal, but hell, it can't all be perfect, now can it? ;)

It's a busy week for me this week, what with the birthday party on Sunday and all, but it's a good kind of busy. Throwing myself into a fun project is a good distraction from some of the less pleasurable parts of my life. Yeah, I'll get back to dealing with those unpleasant things, but for now, it's good to take a break from them and focus on something else. The issues will wait. Emma's only ever going to have one 5th Birthday Party.

This morning we have a playdate with a friend. The best part of it for me (besides the company, of course!) is getting a HUGE mug of strong organic coffee. Like the addict that I am, I can't keep coffee in my house, so I need to take advantage of the opportunity to have it whenever it arises. Today is one of those days. I can already feel the caffeine coursing through my veins.

WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Kermit!!!

This is for everyone who knows what this is about. And even for those of you who don't, who doesn't enjoy a little Kermit the Frog now and again?

Enjoying the Spring Weather

The girls and I got out yesterday afternoon to enjoy the beautiful spring weather. We drew with sidewalk chalk, blew bubbles, rode bikes, even had a short playdate with the neighbour kid who came out to ride with us.

Spring is here! It makes me so happy!

I'm smiling

I went out for a run this morning. It's "long run" day, but I only ended up with a mediocre one - 11-k - I sacrificed sleep for some quality time with my hubby last night ;) and so I'm a little sluggish this morning as a result. Hey, it's all about priorities, though, right? Time with hubby comes before an extra 5-k on my morning run.

This morning I am smiling, drinking in the sunshine and relishing being alive. I am keenly aware today that there are no guarantees in this life, and so I need to make sure that I enjoy the happy moments while I'm in the middle of them (as I write this, Chris is wrestling with and tickling the girls behind me. Their squeals of delight are almost deafening).

You know what? I think I'm going to hit 'post' and go join them. :)

Party Countdown!

So Miss Emma turns 5 on Wednesday. Five years old! How is that possible?

(Okay...deep breath...I'll save the moaning and wailing post about my baby growing up for Wednesday).

To honour the occasion, we're having a "Pink Castle Party" next Sunday. I've kind of gotten myself into trouble with the birthday party 'theme' thing. Two years ago Emma had a "butterfly garden" party. Last year was a Pirate party extravaganza. Molly has had parties with a Ladybug theme, teddy bear theme, and this year was (by her decision) a "Purple Spider Party".

Sadly, I've been procrastinating with the preparations this year. In my own defense, I've had a lot on my plate, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm definitely on the upswing, but I still have a way to go. And hell, let's face it, even at the best of times, I struggle with procrastination.

So I have a busy week ahead of me....decorations to make...a cake to plan...treat bags to assemble....ugh. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. But a good kind of exhausted, the kind that comes from throwing myself into something, body and soul, that I absolutely love doing. Throwing big parties like these for my kids are my way of working out my artistic urges. I get to geek out making invitations, decorations, and a fabulous cake, coming up with party games and activities and making food.

Yeah, I'll be exhausted, but a big part of me is looking forward to it. And don't worry - I'll be sure to post pictures. :)

Big News!!

I have quite possible that I have the world's most excited almost five year old.

This morning, while at the library, Miss Emma commented that her front teeth hurt while eating her snack. Upon close inspection, it was discovered that Emma has her first loose tooth. It's only a tiny, tiny, tiny bit loose, but as far as she's concerned, that's good enough. The kid's been asking since she was 2 1/2 when she was going to get her first loose tooth, so as far as she's concerned, she's been waiting for this moment forever.

She was so excited, in fact, that she then proceeded to go to all the librarians she knew to spread the good news. We even had to go up into the adult section to seek out a couple that she knew up there. Naturally, everyone was quite excited to hear the news, which only added to Emma's delight.

Watching her, I drank in her happiness and excitement. She'll probably always remember this day, for this very reason. It's kind of ironic - I have my own reasons for remembering today, as a fresh start in my life, and it will be made all the sweeter by the fact that I share this memory of a special milestone in my daughter's life.

Her joy was contagious today, spreading throughout the whole building, infecting everyone she came into contact with. But most especially me. I looked into her excited little face, and knew that it was moments like these that make life truly worth living.

This morning

Today I awoke early and got out the door by 6:30 this morning. I had to work to get my bum out of bed, but ultimately, it was worth it. It was a glorious morning to be out. It was a crisp, cool morning, a thin layer of ice covering everything from the foul weather that we'd had yesterday. But as I turned my nose to the air, I could smell it, sense it - that promise of warmth to come later on today. As the sun inched up in the sky I could feel it there, too.

Today is going to be a good day.

5:30 am

I went to bed last night, late, after having laid out my running clothes and setting my internal alarm for 5:30 am. It's been a long time - months - since I've greeting the early morning with a smile, had some quiet time, and went out for a run.

I had a bad night's sleep. Too many things on my mind.

I woke up and looked at the clock. Sure enough - 5:32 am. I laid there for a moment, wanting desperately to just drift back off to sleep in my warm and cozy bed. But then I remembered my promise to myself. I have been letting myself down too much in the last couple of months. I haven't been allowing myself joy. I haven't been doing the things that I need to be doing in order to feel good, human.

I peeled myself out of bed. Dressed. Came downstairs, shivering. Fired up the computer to do my usual checks - email, facebook, the weather. -16 with the windchill. I haven't been out running in those kinds of temperatures all winter long. I've used that as my convenient excuse for not running, when the truth of the matter is that I've been too afraid. Too afraid to be alone with myself and my thoughts.

I bundled up and went out there this morning. It was a dark and glorious morning. The wind in my face was crisp, biting at my cheeks. I took a long, slow deep breath.

And I smiled.

I could allow myself to regret these past few months of denying myself such a wonderful part of my life. Instead, I'm going to try and look at it like I simply needed a break. It's good to allow ourselves that when we really need it. And boy, I needed it.

Today I once again felt the calmness of the early morning. I listened to the quiet sounds of the city not yet waking up. I didn't worry about turning off my brain, or being overwhelmed by my thoughts and emotions. I simply allowed them to just...be. It's okay. They're not going to destroy me.

It was a brief run this morning, around 5-k or so, but that's alright. I need to work back to this slowly. The important part for me is that I enjoyed the morning. I felt, even just for a brief while, like me again.

As I turned the corner this morning, heading back toward home, I looked down the hill and saw the sky just starting to light up. A beautiful pale orange all along the horizon. And that's when I knew it...believed it...for the first time in a long, long time.

I am going to be okay.

I'm not there...yet. But I will get there.

Because it makes me smile....

I'm feeling in a bit of a funk this morning, so I thought I would post this. I need to remind myself of the things that make me smile, and this is one of them. For some reason I woke up this morning with this song in my head. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

Oh - and did I mention that I have a HUGE crush on Ben Stiller? He's my man.

Yes, geeks are hot.

Through the Eyes of a Child

Geez, kids are amazing. No, I'm not just figuring that out now, but it's one of those things that's easy to forget sometimes, in the getting caught up with the messy part of life. I have these moments every now and again when I'm reminded why having kids is such an amazing thing...even despite the snotty noses, whining, and late night "musical beds" antics.

Yesterday I went out with the girls and a girlfriend of mine to enjoy the gorgeous spring day. On the way home, we walked past one spot on the sidewalk that has poor drainage (it's right by a hill) and in the wintertime it's always covered with ice - I hate running past there - and in the springtime there is slush and water and mud to contend with. As we were walking past there, trudging through a thin layer of water and mud, I commented to my friend, "I always hate this spot."

From the bike trailer, Emma piped up, "No, Mommy, it's the best spot because you can see your tracks after you walk through it."

Hm. I guess that's at least part of my problem - I've been looking at life too much like a grown-up. It's so great how kids can always seem to find the beauty and wonder in things. I need to put on my kid-coloured glasses a little more often. Only a five year old could see something cool about a muddy spot on the sidewalk.

Thanks, Kiddo.

A Reward

I pushed myself out the door this morning. After a long talk with Chris yesterday, and a huge pep talk to myself last night, I decided that I can't let how I'm currently feeling hold me back from something that is ultimately very, very good for me. Running is a part of who I am...and I can not deny it. I can't take it away from myself as some sort of a punishment for my mistakes in life...I am punishing myself enough. I need to let some joy in once and a while, too.

So I made it out the door this morning. It was a great day for running - the sidewalks were clear, it was not too cold...ah...

I got less than two blocks when I heard it -- a bird. Now, as anyone who knows me can attest to, I'm terrified of birds most days, but there's something about the sound of birds singing while I'm out running that really puts joy into my heart. I can't remember hearing that sound in a long while, not since early last fall. I smiled a little smile and kept on going.

I looped around and got to the top of the hill, and there it was -- the sunrise. A glorious, golden-cloud, pink-sky sunrise. I haven't seen one of those in months, either. And yet, there it was. I felt my heart fill up with even more joy, and pressed onward.

I won't lie and say that today's run was an easy one. It wasn't. I still found myself bombarded with memories. I did my best to sort through them as best I could. I even found my mind eventually wandering off to happier thoughts.

Today I am feeling better. I will get there. It's just going to take some time.

Farmer's Market Morning

I went with a girlfriend to the Farmer's Market this morning. What a glorious day! The offerings there are a bit sparse, considering that it's the dead of winter, but I did find some lovely organic potatoes, apples, and a beautiful red onion. I got myself some free range eggs and a pretty little loaf of 10 grain bread.

It was a beautiful morning, cold, but the sun was shining beautifully. My spirit felt so light, I found myself grinning and grinning until my cheeks actually hurt. It feels so good to feel so happy. I wish I could bottle this and give it away.....

Back At It

After a loooong hiatus, I am getting back into my early bird routine. The whole month of December I slacked off with getting up early and running. Granted, it was was really out of my control, since the weather and the sidewalk conditions simply weren't cooperating with me.

Last night I fell asleep telling myself that I would wake up at 5:45. This morning I woke up at - you guessed it - 5:45. I was surprised that I could still actually do that. Unfortunately, I didn't actually get up, I laid there and dozed off and was awakened by the alarm clock at 6:00. I have to admit, I almost didn't drag myself out...it took some real will power to do it...but I did.

I spent a little time checking email, etc, and then headed out the door.

And felt the joy.

Contentment

It was a good Christmas. Despite the materialism, it's always so much fun to see the kids so happy and excited when they come downstairs and see the tree with the presents piled up around it (we always wait to put out our gifts on Christmas Eve after they are in bed asleep). Yes, they were a little bit spoiled but I guess that's just one of those things that happens.

Tomorrow I leave for my little "mini-vacation" - I will be staying at my girlfriend's fabulous downtown apartment all by myself. I plan to read, shop, relax, veg, do a little running, a little yoga, relax, see some friends. I get two whole days where I'm not a wife or a mommy and I only have to look after myself. I so need this.

I Ran!!

I am grinning from ear to ear right now.

I just got back from a run! Granted, it was a short one - only 7k, but that's the first time I've been able to run in over 3 weeks, so I'm not going to complain too loudly. Hopefully I won't go that long between runs any more this winter - that means that the weather (and the sidewalk conditions) really need to cooperate with me. Today my neighbour offered me the use of her treadmill any time I wanted it; if I get desperate I may have to take her up on it, much as I hate running indoors.

I am so happy right now. I feel like everything is in its proper place in my head and my heart. My thoughts are in order, my mood is even, my stress has drained away. Ahhhhh.....

I wonder if I can squeeze in a quick one tomorrow, too?

The Speed of Life

Lately I have been struck hard with the sense of how fast life is moving. I have to admit, this has me panicked. Everything is flying by so much faster than I ever thought possible. I blink my eyes and a year has passed; looking back, the events of the past year are like a blur of memories.

I want so much to slow it down, to linger in the wonderful, beautiful, happy moments of my life. I feel like I'm trying desperately to hang on, but it's slipping through my fingers, and the more I try to grab it, the more it all slithers away.

I am the kind of person who is never able to appreciate what I have until it is gone. That makes me feel so sad...so many wonderful moments that I didn't enjoy when I was right in the middle of them, and now they are only memories. I know that this means I have to work harder from now on, to enjoy what I have, while it is happening. I only hope that I am able to do that.