Fear

I got up at 6:00 am this morning with the intention of running. It's just after 6:30 and still I sit here, in full running gear, not able to make it out the door. I tell myself that it's the freezing rain that's holding me back. In reality, it is my fear.

I am afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I am afraid of facing the reality of who I am. I am afraid of re-living memories that I don't want to re-live.

I am afraid.

I used to think that fear was a good thing, that it meant that I was moving in the right direction. These days I think that when I used to say that, I was just fooling myself. And, as with many things, perhaps I was. I just don't know any more. The rules of my life have changed so much in the last couple of months that I'm completely unsure of pretty much everything.

I will attempt another run perhaps this afternoon. Maybe by then I will have steeled myself against my own thoughts and emotions. Until then, I have another day to face, with a sick and whiny 3 year old, and a library trip to endure. I never realized before how hard it is to work through major life issues when you've got kids to look after. Life can't stop while I sort through my pile of crap....hell, it can't even slow down. I'm left to carry on the day-to-day, spending short bursts of time sorting through the mountain of crap that is weighing me down.

At this rate, I'll still be wading through this when I'm 98.