The darkness settles in sometimes when I least expect it, like yesterday while I was getting ready for Molly's birthday party. I wish I had a switch to turn off my brain so I didn't have to feel sometimes.
Then again, looking for that switch was what got me to this place to begin with.
I managed to squeeze out the darkness for the sake of my 3 year old. What really makes me sad is that I'll always look back on this day and remember how shitty I felt while I had a big smile plastered on my face. I will always wonder if she felt my sadness and self-loathing seeping into the day.
I'm feeling impatient with myself. I want all of this behind me. I want it to be over. I want to wake up in the morning and feel light and content and full of joy. I felt that way once...shouldn't it still be in there, somewhere?
I just don't know where to find it anymore. Some days, like yesterday, I lack even the strength to look for it.
About Me
1 comment:
Just happened to come across your blog, and thought I'd share a few thoughts.
My wife and I share much of the same ideas about what's driving society's ills today. We've come to the important realization in our search for individual happiness that if you dwell on those same said ills, you too will end up feeling like crap, and not sure of your place in this world.
We are non-Christian by the way - atheists, if it matters, but I simply told you this to give you some context in which to view my individual perspective.
I'm not sure in which way you refer to your darkness coming from. You must've talked about it earlier, or I missed it.
You mention homeschooling in your interests. What I have to say on this subject below might be of interest to you.
We homeschool, or "unschool" our last child, (for 4 yrs) now 14 yrs old. Wish we did the other three.
The educational system is enough to make most sane people ill as well. Its basically structured on the principle that everyone should learn to conform to the same set of rules through conditioning from an early age.( I know - it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but bear with me for a moment).
I justify this statement by what the public, and even most private educations obviously leave out from teaching our children; hands on applicable skills, self-sufficient skills.We have a well used expression in our household we use jokingly; "...and they call this education?"
Whereas 98-99 percent of the population have attended school, most adult's level of understanding on many important issues have been shaped and designed during their school days.
Here's a good example: children are indoctrinated into a system to hurry from one class to the next, while studying unrelated material. Much of this material can actually be simplified down to the basics in a small percentage of the time it takes now.
Most creative children see no point in the much of the lesson load, since they are born with an 'I get it already awareness' of what it is they would rather be doing, and/or being guided in their individual talents. Instead, they see the rest of the same lesson load as being burdensome, and totally of no applicable use in their current lives.
A child's intelligence is then graded on how well they were able to conform to the pressures to memorize, and then regurgitate same information on an examination (basically without anything of any real applicable use or value being taught or learned along the way).
Think real life skills for a moment. Children should be learning how to make garden sheds (think retired carpenters - learn to respect elders) as a primer to house construction, art, music, culture, architectural rendering, and model making, planting and growing vegetables, an outdoor garden, getting your hands dirty, landscape design and execution, build small wind turbines to understand how they work, perform real physical effort, and running games, etc. that require it, learning how to do things that have real world practical use - skills and a mindset for a lifetime.
As you can see, we sadly do none of this, and instead we bore children to death, and by doing so, we make them cynical, and create uncaring dimwits (adults) as a result, and is it any wonder we live in a society of half crazy adults who don't care how many pesticides they wash down with that supermarket bought salad? Is it any wonder, our politicians who are notoriously not hands-on, make such ongoing disastrous decisions?
On the brighter side,and I'm very aware one needs to balance out their thinking, I look for humor where I can find it. We are full time artists,and make our living from it - very therapeutic. We live in the middle of our land (11 acres) so we have a wonderful measure of privacy, and at least, my wife and I have each other to share in these discussions and values.
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