Sushi Night

For the past almost three years, Friday night has been Sushi Night for Chris and I. I make us sushi, we wait until the girls are in bed, and then we sit down to enjoy our meal in peace together and usually watch a movie. It's a nice little tradition, something to look forward to during the week.

Last night I made cucumber rolls for the first time in a while. When I took the first bite of cucumber, the fresh, crisp taste reminded me of when we first started our little tradition. I found my heart longing for spring -- a fresh beginning. I wished in that moment for the ability to travel in time, back to before I'd made so many mistakes, before my heart was filled with so much hurt and regret. I try hard to remain positive, and look for the lessons that life is offering me, but that is difficult to do sometimes.

We don't always make the right choices in life, that is a sad truth. But every choice, "good" or "bad", has the ability to teach us something...if we remain open to that possibility. That is the knowledge that I hug close to myself when my head hits the pillow every night.

That doesn't stop the tears...but it helps me to know that those tears are not in vain.

I want....

I want to stand and look out over a snow-covered field, surrounded by trees, carefully listening as the snow falls around me. I want to experience the silence so deep that I can hear the individual snowflakes fall onto my shoulders. I want to feel the snowflakes kiss my cheeks and eyelashes, melting and running down my face like cold, cleansing tears. I want to close my eyes and feel the open sky and experience the vastness of the world. I want to feel, just for a moment, like I am the only person left on the planet.

Struggling

This is the second morning in a row that I've gotten up, gotten dressed for running, and haven't made it out the door. I am really struggling with getting out there, and doing what I need to do in order to feel better.

I guess at least part of it is my own self-destruction tendency. Doing good things to and for myself is really hard for me, particularly when I'm struggling through a "low", like I am right now. I did journal this morning, which I suppose is something good, but it doesn't compare to the sweat and heavy breathing and muscle exhaustion of getting out there and running.

I suppose instead of focusing on what I'm NOT doing, I should focus on what I AM doing. It is, however, a difficult thing for me to do. I'm so used to focusing on the negative things about myself, that seeing that positives isn't usually an easy thing.

Just one more thing on my list of "things to do"....

Acceptance

A difficult thing for me is accepting that I am not responsible for anyone but myself. I can not "make" someone see things my way. I cannot force my thoughts and opinions upon others. As adults, we are all responsible for the decisions we make, the paths we choose.

I have made some very regrettable decisions in my life. I am responsible for them. I am responsible for trying to make things better. I cannot worry about what others are doing or thinking or how they are conducting themselves...because there is nothing that I can do to change that. I may feel sad about the choices and decisions that others make, but that's the most that I have a right to.

Learning to let go of that is a hard thing for me. But I am getting there, slowly. It's all part of the process.

Bad Things Happen

The harsh reality about life is that sometimes bad things happen. Unfortunately, sometimes we are even the cause of those bad things. That's just part of being human. Sometimes we hurt ourselves.

When bad things do happen, when hurts are caused, and damage is done, we are faced with a choice. We have the choice to mend the damage, heal and move on, a more whole and healthy person, or we can wallow in grief and pain and misery, without having learned anything at all. I believe that every experience in life, good or bad, is an opportunity to learn and grow, but only if we make that conscious choice.

That choice isn't always easy. Learning from mistakes, healing, and moving on, is the hard road. The easy road is to suppress and cover up and find a way to forget. The easy road is the tempting road, for sure, but it's the road that ensures more mistakes will be made.

I can't go back and un-do past mistakes or hurt that I have caused. It's too late to do that. The only option that I have available to me is to keep moving forward, to do my best to learn, and (hopefully) do better in the future.

That is something that I wish for everyone.

A Long Road

I have spent the last five months or so of my life completely "checked out". I have not been in the present. I have been so immersed in my own selfishness, in my own avoidance of my problems and issues, that I have hurt people around me, and caused damage to my relationships. In most cases they didn't even know it, but the hurt is there nevertheless.

I am now on the road to getting better. It's going to be a long road, a hard road, full of a lot of potholes and detours and who knows what else. I am so fortunate in that I have the love and support of not only my husband, but a community of friends who will help me through this. Ultimately it is I who has to do the work to get better, to make all of this better, but I have a hell of a cheering section.

I have said and done a lot of regrettable things. Fortunately, most of it I can make better. Some of it, I am afraid I can't...and probably won't ever be able to. For those things, I am deeply sorry. I can only hope that time will take the hurt away...for everyone.

New Beginnings

Last night I dreamed of giving birth. I was not in a hospital room, but in a warm, comforting place, in a room surrounded by people. There was no physical baby; I had given birth to something completely intangible, something that I couldn't see or hear or touch. Even though it wasn't a physical "thing", I still had the sensation of something having been removed from my body.

In this room, after the birth was over, I looked around to see that I was surrounded by women, all of whom were bustling about to care for me. I laid on a cot and was wrapped lovingly in a blanket, examined, reassured and comforted. I remember feeling both confused and lost, yet comforted and loved at exactly the same time.

I woke up with a smile on my face, knowing that this was a good omen, a sign of my new beginning.

I am going to be okay.