Finding the Love

So it's been an intense few days. Those who know the details, know why. Those who don't, let me assure you that everything is fine...just a lot of emotions have come to the surface, issues faced.

Most of all, I know that I will be okay.

I have faced a lot of darkness lately. I know that it's shown here, in what I've been writing. I know that it's okay to face that darkness, to talk about it, and to write about it. But I'm not going to do that here.

My focus now is on living. I have a lot of ground to make it up, it seems. I have begun by righting some wrongs, with others. I need to right wrongs with myself now, too.

I will run. I will write. I will cherish my daughters. I will love my husband as best I can. I will be the friend that I know that I can be. I will appreciate the gifts that I have been given in life, as they are many. And slowly, gently, I will learn to love myself.

Because that's what this all comes down to -- me loving myself. I'm sad to report that I haven't done a very good job at that lately. Or ever. It's time for that to change.

I won't do it perfectly. I will stumble along the way, I'm sure. But in this moment, I know that it's worth fighting for.

The Run

I did it. The long run. Sadly, not nearly as long as I wanted. It ended up only being 13 k - I was hoping for at least 15. But considering how little I've run these past 4 months or so, I think I'll just be satisfied with what I managed with relative ease.

I was surprised by how well it went this morning. I wasn't overwhelmed. I felt calm and centered. Thoughts came in, emotions crept up, memories knocked at the door. I didn't fight them. I acknowledged everything. I didn't crumble. I didn't stumble. I didn't fall apart. If the emotions welled up a little too much, I simply pushed myself a bit harder, focusing on the physical sensation. I even reached the 'sweet spot' that I desire so much - when my body just takes over and it's like I can run forever. I'd kinda forgotten about that feeling. (!!) By the time I reached that place this morning, I'd already sifted through a lot of the mental garbage. I let my thoughts flow as my body did what it does best. It's so reassuring to know that even after all this time, my body still instinctually knows what to do.

And now I'm enjoying the post-run glow. I'd forgotten about that, too - the flow of energy, the mental calm, the feeling that all is right with the world.

I'm so glad that I was able to push past all my fears and get out there and do this for myself. It's making all the difference. Not every day is going to be as good as today, but I can live with that. They're not all meant to be gems.

I'm going to be okay. I finally, finally, finally feel this.

Tomorrow's Plan

My plan for tomorrow morning is to get up bright and early and go for a nice long run. I haven't gone on a long run in months. I've been so afraid lately...afraid to be alone with myself, my thoughts, my memories.

I finally feel ready to face them.

I'm posting my plan here so that hopefully it will prevent me from backing out. I need this. I need to run. I need to allow the thoughts and the emotions to wash over me, and know that I'm not going to crumble. I will listen to my breathing and hear the birds singing and remind myself what it feels like to be alive, and all of the wonderful reasons that I have for living. I will turn my face up to the sun and drink in the glorious morning.

If I feel afraid, I will remind myself that fear won't hurt me. If I feel sad, I will tell myself that sadness won't destroy me. If I feel anger, I will let it in only long enough to let it see that I'm ready for it to move on.

I am ready for it.

The Moment of Truth

I ate him. He was delicious.

Making the Choice

So I've been thinking a lot more about this whole 'choosing self-love' option that's out there. I realize that I've been expecting that I was going to suddenly wake up one morning and just love myself.

It just doesn't work that way.

I'm thinking that for someone like me, learning to love myself is a lot like recovering from an eating disorder. You don't just wake up one morning and the urge to abuse one's body with food (or a lack of it) is suddenly gone. It takes work...effort. Two steps forward, one step back. Some days are golden, others are like walking through a mud pit that is slowly filling up around you. However, the beauty of it is, every day, no matter if it is a "good" day, or a "bad" one, teaches you more about yourself and the process.

I'm thinking that the journey toward self-love is much the same way. It's not going to be like flipping on a switch. This is something that I am going to have to fight for, if it's something that I really and truly want.

Do I want it? Yes! Even though this scares the ever-livin' CRAP outta me, this is something that I very much want to achieve.

Wow. It's hard even admitting that.

The fear is good. It lets me know that this is something that I really do need to do....

If Love is a Choice....

...and it applies to our relationships with others, then I have no choice but to admit that it applies to self-love as well.

Maybe even more to self-love than any other kind, in fact.

That's a scary concept to someone who was taught, and lived her whole life believing that self-love and narcissism were pretty much the same thing.

Self-love isn't something that just happens out of nowhere. It's not a state that's achieved once one finally crosses all the necessary items off his or her "to do" list. It's a decision...or rather, a series of many little decisions over the course of a lifetime. I can either decide to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing, or I can decide to love and forgive myself, flaws and all, and conduct myself accordingly.

So what happens if I do? What happens if I finally, once and for all, make the conscious decision to love myself?

I have no idea. Right now that thought is a little too scary for me to fully process.